The First Trace

Incunabula: the first traces of anything.

For me this blog is the first traces of the New Year and the new me.

This past year was one of the hardest years of my life. Yesterday, the damn New Year, I felt defeated. I really didn't understand life and what the fuck I did wrong to be where I was.

Then I realized I wasn't living a life that wasn't congruent with who I am becoming.

Recap of the last year to understand where I am coming from:
Year start: Living with boyfriend of 2+ years, going to school, working as a barber.
Year end: Recently broke up with boyfriend, living with my parents, still going to school, working now as para-educator

It doesn't really seem like much has changed except that boyfriend part, but oh wait, that boyfriend part is a really big deal in the scheme of life and what it represents. The tumultuous end of our relationship ravaged me and ate me whole.

New Years Eve it all sank in. Holy shit, I am single and trying to be the girl I was before I met Jordan. That girl was a partier, didn't really think about things larger than herself, was self-centered and working to just be make it through the days.

I cried and screamed on New Year's Eve. It was an out of body experience, I watched myself that night and wondered who the fuck is this girl? I didn't know but I kept going, I kept trying to be someone I no longer am.

I woke up the next day feeling like death -- thank you booze, I was exhausted and not proud about how I had acted, a feeling that has become all to common, especially when I drink. I walked out to my car to find someone broke in and stole my purse which included my wallet, my make-up, and other various important things to me.

I sat on the curb and sobbed, I spent the rest of the day in bed crying, sleeping and keeping my head in my books to pretend life wasn't happening.

But life doesn't stop and I had to realize I had to keep going.

The funny thing is I received an email from Matt Frazier, a real cool dude that started No Meat Athlete website. He gave me a challenge to run and write for 31 days. So that is what I am now doing.

I am running and blogging my changes. I am accepting to the idea of being open and raw with life's daily bull shit and also life's beauty and splendor.

I am learning the universe will never give more then you can handle.

And I hope my honesty and ability to be raw and vulnerable will give people the hope and inspiration to do the same.

We live in a time where Facebook, Instagram, etc. makes every one's life seems so perfect, but let's face it. We all struggle and maybe, just maybe, uniting together and struggling together will make life not seem so horrific.

Here to the New Year.

I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. –Stephen Covey