Self-Sabbatoge=Self-Care

I am began writing this blog entry at a coffee shop right by my old apartment in downtown Portland.

As I walked to the coffee shop memories flooded back to me.

Those were some of my craziest days. I cannot help but laugh and reminisce because I don't have to worry about ever being that girl again.

I worked really hard to change who I was and the two things that helped me change were my amazing ability to self-sabbatoge and my determination towards self-care.

I define these terms as:

Self-sabbatoge:
the physical or emotional acts that create an adverse affect in the individual's life. 

Self-care:
the physical and/or emotional acts that propel the individual in a positive direction in life. 

Lately I have been really hard on myself for my self-sabbtaoging acts, or what I saw as self-sabbatoging acts.

I woke up the other morning feeling really icky about decisions I have been making. I have been negating my self worth and I have complicated important friendships. I honestly feel like I have been pushing away what is good for me instead of pulling it close.

I recently began to untangled why I was acting this way. I realized I am trying to fill a void in my life. I have this ache in my spirit that I do not know how to ease.

I have decided that I need to stop berating myself and start accepting my actions. I cannot change them but I can learn from them.

 ...and learning I am.

Reflecting back now on my apartment building and how to symbolizes my past life I am realizing that I am person that must self-sabbatoge to learn how to have self-care.

My pervious mistakes in life have led me to become a better person. My self-sabbatoging acts led to me to go back to school, to start running, and to start thinking beyond myself.

I became complacent when I met Jordan because it was easy and comfortable. I thought I had life planned out but I didn't.

In that relationship I partook in self-sabbatoging actions and since then I have made some bad decisions, but I am learning these actions are my subconscious screaming at me that I need a life change.

I am working on being able to understand myself wholly without making bad decisions but right now I am accepting that the bad decisions are how I learn. I am learning self-care through shitty situations. I am learning through the pain I put myself in.

Just as I wrote about early, our flaws are something that cannot be emitted from life. We must live with them and work through them.

We must find the good in the bad, the happiness in the hardship.

If the past cannot teach the present and the father cannot teach the son, then history need not have bothered to go on, and the world has wasted a great deal of time. -Russell Hoban