The True Size of The Universe

I ran Hood to Coast this weekend. I wasn’t planning on running Hood to Coast, I had important plans on Friday night and had actually turned Hood to Coast teams down because I couldn’t cancel my plans. However my teammate from TNT called me on Friday night at 10:30pm telling me one of the runners on his Hood to Coast team got injured and they needed someone to fill in. (I am not always one to fully think things through, so I jumped at the chance to run) Once I finished my Friday obligations, I rushed home, packed a bag and met Kevin and my now Hood to Coast team at 1am. I was the first one running in the van and started running at 3am.

I was hyped up on adrenaline and took off racing. My team had an incredible ability to run freakishly fast so I felt the pressure to also run freakishly fast. I cannot remember the last time I pushed my legs so hard but I did and started passing runners and pretty soon I was alone, on a back road running at 3am. That’s when it hit me.

My mind started racing, “Shit, I am alone, am I lost? What if I am lost? What happens if I am all alone?” Even though vans passed me intermittently and I passed runners, I couldn’t calm my fear of becoming lost. This is the moment I came to accept, being lost in the desert wasn’t something that I could just overcome with time; that I am potentially permanently changed from the experience.

Fast forward to Sunday (the rest of Hood to Coast was amazing and my team kicked some serious ass) and I was listening to a the Ted Radio Hour podcast and on it was John Hodgman and he said this quote “You don’t understand the true size of the world until someone you care about is out there in it and you don’t know where. That is when the universe really feels big… and when they come back it feels good.”

And I heard that and I lost it. Completely lost it. Sit on the floor, crying, lost it. That moment, in the desert, I truly understood the size of the world. No one knew I was out there, no one knows and will never know what it was like to be out there lost. I am back to work, school started, running, seemingly thriving in my life and yet there are these moments of complete utter disconnect.

I have prided myself on being very independent, on being able to go out and do anything on my own. Yet now I have this chip on me, I have this fear of being lost. I am scared to go back out on my own and adventure and yet I have aligned my personality on being able to being solely independent.

So now what?

I feel stuck. I have this fear of being alone and lost and yet I have this feeling of lack of connection with anyone I am come in contact with, like I am floating on a different planet.

When I slow down I feel hollow.

I still feel lost in the universe and I want to come back and I want it to feel good, just as John Hodgman describes it.   

And as painful as it is to work through these emotions, I know in the end, there will be something beautiful that comes from it. Thich Nhat Hanh has this quote “Without fear, we are able to see more clearly our connections to others. Without fear, we have more room for understanding and compassion. Without fear, we are truly free".

I am working to move past my fear and connect with the world the surrounds me, maybe running off into the wilderness doesn’t always need to be my escape. Maybe, just maybe, being surrounded by others can heal me and teach me to grow in ways different than the wilderness.  

It is all in the glorious journey.

Roadtrip Bonanza: Part 1, Starting With The End: Search and Rescue

I am not actually sure if I am ready to talk/write about my experience on my road trip, especially how it ended, but I feel the first step in the healing process is to scrutinize my experience through writing, so here we go.

I wrote a blog before I left about how I was nervous for my trip for a reason I couldn't put my finger on. It was almost like I had a premonition that this trip held something big for me, however, I did not know this trip would hold for me what I consider, my first encounter with the idea of dying. 

I had five days left in my trip when I left Bryce Canyon to stop in Capitol Reef and then head to Canyonlands and Arches National Park.

I didn’t stay in Capitol Reef; I just drove through and stopped a few places to hike. It isn’t a very well known national park but I am still glad I took the time to explore its nooks and crannies. It was a long day after driving 5 hours and hiking 15 miles so once I got to Canyonlands I just found a campsite and called it a night. By this point in my trip I was exhausted and losing motivation to keep exploring.

However when I woke up the next morning the sun had not yet risen and I decided the best way to start my last few days on my exploration was a sunrise hike. I do sunrise hikes at home and they feed my soul, so I thought what could be better then a sunrise hike in a national park! Many of the hikes in Canyonlands have warnings not to hike alone and only for experienced hikers. I wisely chose not to partake in any of those hikes! I chose a 10-mile hike with a quick decline start of 1600 feet into a canyon that followed riverbeds to the famous Zeus and Moses rock formations.

Wishing Stones

When I started the hike I felt trepidations because the 1600 foot decline had no trail due to rock slides but the trail that once had been there was marked by stacked stones or as my friend Ari told me were called wishing stones. I stopped about half way down to see if the trail became any easier to navigate once I arrived down into the canyon. I could make out light traces of a trail so I kept going assuming following the trail would become simpler.

Zeus and Moses 

As I proceeded down the rocks I kept thinking “should I turn around?” and then I debated if this was my common sense talking or just fear. I chalked it up to just fear and kept marching along. (For those who know me I can be very head strong once I get my mind set on an idea.) I made it down into the canyon and the trail was a little easier to follow, but the wishing stones still marked the way. For the next 4 miles I hiked in utter silence. I was just the desert and me. It was a surreal feeling. I stopped to eat a snack and just stared out and relished how alone I felt and free. It was like no other experience I have ever had.  I kept hiking and finally saw the famous rock formations I was hunting for. After being in the desert with the same landscape surrounding you it is pretty exciting to see huge rock formations! I quickly hiked through the brush to go explore these huge rock formations. I climbed and scampered around and just loved being out there exploring! After a while I made the decision to start heading back before it got too hot out. I had packed 2.5 liters of water, an apple, carrots, and a Cliff bar so I felt I could stay out a while but knew I couldn’t handle mid-afternoon desert heat.

As I started back I went on the one river route I saw that went in the similar direction I came from. I started hiking and after about a mile I realized I didn’t recognize a lot of the scenery. There were more boulders, plants and standing water. I was thinking quiet a bit while I hiked in to the rock formations so I figured I was just oblivious to my surroundings as I hiked in. After 2 miles I started worrying, but I saw tracks that kind of resembled footprints and reassured myself I was going the right way.  At 3 miles I still couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong. I am not a religious person but I asked God for a sign if I was going the right or wrong way, I started talking to the universe for guidance. By mile 4 I came into a boulder field, which I knew I would of remembered. I sat down and tried to think logically of what I should do. I first checked my food and water supplies. I had eaten my apple and carrots but I still had my Cliff bar, I had about 20 mL left of my water. I figured I could hike back to the rock formations and look for my tracks and wishing stones.  By the time I was hiking back the sun was already high in the sky and I was feeling tired but determined and hopeful. I hiked back the four miles I had came and kept reassuring myself I was fine. I kept imagining being back at my car drinking deeply from my water bottles and celebrating.

Once back at the rock formations I searched for my footprints, after about an hour I found one. I rejoiced and allowed myself to eat half my Cliff bar and drink a little water. I knew I only had 5 miles back to the trailhead. I knew I could do it. Trying to follow my path was tough but I did it for about a mile, the going was slow but I was making my way. I had followed the riverbed most of the way in to the rock formations so when I couldn’t find a footprint I trusted my gut. I made it quiet a ways, about 3 miles of following my footprints and wishing stones until I came to another large boulder that blocked my path. I searched and searched to find another footprint or wishing stone to follow but couldn’t find one. By this time the sun was high and the heat was at its peak. I had been out since 5am and it was already 3pm.  I sat down to let my legs rest and finished my Cliff bar and drank a little more water. I told myself with the little strength I had left I could make it out of the canyon. I was actually surprised at my own self-talk at how uplifting and positive it was. For the next hour I kept searching and found my way out of the riverbed and into the rocks. The sun was blazing and my water eventually ran out.  I started thinking about my family and my nieces. I started really getting worried. By 4pm I started getting dizzy and seeing purple spots. I told myself if I didn’t find my way by 5pm I would call for help. I kept searching and walking but my body was giving up, I kept having to sit down after losing my balance. Around 5 I thought I had found the area I had come from and gained a little hope I started trekking to where I thought the trail might be. I kept seeing wishing stones and hiking towards them but when I got to where I thought the wishing stones were, they weren’t actually there. I finally sat down and tried licking out my water bottles and sucking my apple core because I was so thirsty. This just started a reaction of forceful dry heaving. I curled up around a rock that was in semi-shade and cried. I felt defeated.

I finally accepted I had to call for help. My dad got me a tracker earlier this summer, which I told him I didn’t need. As I pushed the SOS button on my tracker my heart burst with love for my family who always watches out for me and knows what I need better then I do.

It took about an hour before I heard the helicopter. I stayed curled around that rock. My whole body hurt, it felt like my stomach was stabbing itself and I couldn’t stop dry heaving. I tried to figure out what I would do if I had to be here overnight. I looked out over the desert to find a safe place to put myself. As soon as I heard the helicopter I peeled myself off the rock and stood up and started waving my arms wildly, like you see in the movies. The helicopter flew around for about 20 minutes; it kept leaving and coming back. I jumped and flapped my arms like a wild woman and screamed. It finally landed near me and I grabbed my bag and stumbled towards the helicopter. The paramedics came out to me and grabbed me. All I could do was shake and cry. They were the most wonderful people I have ever met. The stabilized me in the canyon and then flew me out around 7pm.  The rest of the evening is a blur of talking to police, rangers, and paramedics. Once I was finally released from their care I stayed in Moab but couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to be home. I ended up curling up in the back of my car and sleeping, it felt the safest.

I am now home. The first two days back were filled with tumultuous emotions that ranged from heart warming feelings of happiness that I was home with my family and yet this awful feeling of questioning life and sever sadness. I was sick to my stomach and on any given moment I would burst into tears. Slowly my physical and emotional health is getting better but I still sit here and struggle.

I will blog later on the trip and the process of recovery but for now this is where I am at. All I can say is I am thankful for all the love and support I have been shown since being home. I am truly blessed.

Road Trips and Trails

I am going on a road trip!

I love my job because it gives me the flexibility to travel! I wasn't sure how this summer was going to end up because I couldn't decide what to do or where to go. On top of that I decided to work the Extend School Year (ESY) where I am working with intensive skills students which lasts 4 weeks out of the summer.

So instead of leaving the states this summer and traveling to an exotic region I decided to take a road trip.

My last day of ESY is on Wednesday and I am leaving for my road trip immediately after work.

So where is this road trip taking me?

Let me tell you!

First stop is at Lake Selma in Josephine, Oregon, then off to drive Highway 101 down through the Redwoods. From the Redwoods I am taking Highway 1 to Big Sur (to enjoy the beauty of Big Sur, since last time I was there it was kind of difficult to enjoy the scenery while running a marathon). From Big Sur I am skirting over to Yosemite to revel in all it's splendor I have heard about. From there I am traveling through Nevada through the Great Basin and stopping and the Great Basin National Park. Up next from the Great Basin is Utah and Utah's 5 astounding national parks; Zion, Bryce Canyon, Capitol Reef, Canyon Lands and Arches. After I have explored through those national parks I am going to start my excursion back home and am planning on stopping at Hell's Canyon then home!

I will be driving over 3000 miles and will be gone 20 days!

I have a few friends who want to meet me in different places for a few days but overall this will be a solo adventure.

And yet I look back on my trip to Costa Rica and thought that would also be a solo adventure and yet I met people who I still consider family. I may have traveled alone but I was never alone.

So as I get ready for this trip I am trying to tame my anxiety and sub-conscious nervousness.

I woke up today and just felt off, like my mind and body just were not connecting correctly. I wanted to hermit and shove everything and everyone out of my life (which I have now learned that I only react this way when I am stressed/anxious/nervous/fearful)

I rationally know I have NOTHING to be stressed about. It is suppose to be a fun, carefree, adventurous trip...

So why did I wake up today wanting to hermit?

And I cannot actually answer that question.

My nervousness when I left for Costa Rica made sense to me because I had never traveled out the country by myself, let alone a country where I didn't fluently speak the language.

But nervousness for this trip? I have spent lots of time backpacking, camping and hiking by myself. This is just an extended version of what I normally do on my weekends.

But when I really drill down on why I am nervous and want to hermit I believe it is because I fear what I will learn, which I get sounds completely ridiculous.

When I went to Costa Rica it was to prove to myself I was OK by myself, that I could live the life I wanted without anyone by my side. In Costa Rica I faced demons that I never expected and found answers I didn't know I was looking for.

And knowing that I am leaving for another solo adventure scares me. I didn't plan this trip to find myself or prove anything to myself and that is the scariest thing because for once I feel like I am finally starting to figure out myself and what makes me tick.

I am terrified of what I may find out about myself...

I relate it back to hiking. It is like when one trail diverges into two and you have to decide which one to take. You don't know what either trails holds or which one is the "right" trail.

Right now, at this exact moment, I am on one trail and am pretty content and yet I know this trip has the ability to make my one trail diverge and I will be forced to look deeply into myself and make decisions.

Ultimately I know this is not a negative thing, it is the most positive thing I can do for myself, to push myself past my comfort zones and boundaries and really live life without my self prescribed limits, but that sure doesn't take the fear out of it.

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S. Eliot