Finding Joy in Giving Up

I have really strong hands.

It is something I have always taken pride in, I can open almost any jar! Like seriously, beast hands. Or if something is trying to squirm out of my grasp I can cling on pretty tightly.

I mean this physically but I also mean this psychologically. Once my brain latches on to a thought it doesn't let it go.

As I talked about in my last blog, I am working through the book "Recovering Joy' by Kevin Griffin. I am now reworking Chapter 2. It is the perfect chapter for me because it describes me perfectly, it feels like it written about me actually (which in a way is soothing because that means there is someone out there that functions or struggles to function just like I do)!

In the first section of Chapter 2 (which is the only section I am concentrating on in this blog) it uses the word:

Renunciation:

"the act or instance of relinquishing, a repudiating, or sacrificing something, as a right, title, person or ambition".

This word normally has a negative connotation in the english language. We are society that is constantly striving to obtain more, not less. 

I will admit this is something I struggle with more than most things. I constantly am wanting more. I am grasping for everything to be in my life, people, things and substances. I feel like if I completely saturate my life then somehow I will find that sweet spot everyone is looking for in life.

But as I started reading about renunciation I started realizing, that the complete saturation I was striving for wasn't lifting me up, it was doing the opposite, it was making me drowned. 

I was living with this angry pit in my stomach and constant nervous energy buzzing through my body because I was constantly afraid I would loosen my grasp and lose something I was clinging to. 

And I eventually I always did end up losing things, because everything in life is impermanent but that loss was crippling. It would bring up every emotion I covered up with my constant clinging to pointless relationships, things and substances. 

But it took me a long time to realize this and what helped lead me to this realization is this:

"Happiness doesn't come from the things we have, but from the abandoning of the things we cling to, the things that hold us down and capture our minds". 

Anya Khema, a famous Buddhist quoted this in her book "Being Nobody, Going Nowhere". "We experience great relief, the deep peace and pleasure that non-doing brings". She also talks about being a nobody. 

These are not things that are socially acceptable in society today, we are pushed to have a title, to have a thousand hobbies, to always be going. 

But for me, I can't keep going. If I keep going at the rate I was going, I would completely saturate myself until I sunk. 

Releasing my grasp on the need to have it all and being OK with being just me, and living for me is actually what is giving me the peace I need to start living harmoniously in the world and putting love out into the world without having my own self-interests driving it. 

I am coming to terms with putting myself out there and embracing everyday because I am realizing everything is impermanent and living a life that is constantly based on what is next and how long will it last does not feed the soul. 

I am finally loosening my grip and giving my hands a rest from tightly grasping at the impermanent. 

Let Go - Let It Be

Happiness.

What is it?

How do you define it?

What does happiness look like to each unique person?

I received a book called "Recovering Joy" by Kevin Griffin a few months back. It is a book about living a mindful life after addiction, I highly recommend it even if you are not a recovering addict. 

I have read this book on and off for the past few months but it always overwhelmed me. However, this past Spring Break I ventured off to Crater Lake for the week. It was a week of solitude and gave me the retreat I needed from everyday life to start actually diving deep into this book. 

(A little back story as to how life has been since my last blog. The work life is fine, so is the social life and I was in training mode for all my upcoming marathons, but low and behold my luck I tore my LCL and Meniscus on a 15 mile training run so I am out of running for an unknown period of time, this led me to realize I needed a more solid, reliable practice to work through my life dilemmas without having to run thus I really started looking more into meditation, mindfulness and Buddhism.)

Back to where I was, the first chapter in the book is called "Not Unhappy". It speaks to what happiness can be or is for people and how to cultivate a healthy, stable idea of happiness. (The entire book is chalk full of these hard concepts which I will elaborate on later in upcoming blogs) 

The book also has reflection questions in each chapter asking the reader questions to really make you think. One of the reflections is "What Is My Happiness". When I first read this all I could think was "I have no freaking clue" which really isn't the healthiest response. I knew I was happy, but I couldn't pin point why. There was no cookie cutter answer for me. My mind constantly reeled on this reflection and I am still trying to figure it out.

(A tid bit about the author, Kevin Griffin, he was an addict himself and worked the 12 steps but he also started studying Buddhism and he cofounded "The Buddhist Recovery Group") 

The more I thought about what happiness looks like for me the more I realized that I had still had inner turmoil mulling around inside me from the past few years and I had a light bulb moment and looked up to see if Portland had any Buddhist Recovery Group meetings I could attend. Sure enough Portland does and just last week I went to 2 meetings. 

The meetings are held at The Alano Club, it is essentially where all self-help meetings are held, ironically just five years ago I went there for Narcotics Anonymous classes. My first class there was on Easter, and I honestly cannot tell you much about it. I was overwhelmed, part of me was shocked and sad I was back in the same place I was five years ago. (No I am not in the same place in life and I am not ruining my life with substances anymore, but somehow I felt like I failed myself) The other part of me felt safe to be there. As people talked I could understand what they were saying, it was as though they were speaking my story, my emotions, it was like they already knew my life. There was a comfort in knowing I wasn't alone in my struggles but after the meeting I spent a good 20 minutes crying and trying to compose myself. It's not easy sitting for 90 minutes and working through some of your toughest issues. It is not something you can just walk out of and go on with life. 

However my second meeting I remember more. It was meditation based. In the class we were given a quote and we meditated on this quote for 30 minutes. The quote was "To be happy, let go of unhappiness". It was truly ironic, since the whole reason I was in these classes was because this darn book asked me to define my own happiness and it got me questioning my whole being. 

The two things that played over and over in my head as I meditated were "let go" and "let it be". I have all these memories of the past that I hold on to. As though these stories define me, and trust me they aren't the happy go lucky stories. It is my stories of hardship and struggle, and along with these stories I have fear. I am constantly terrified of failure, of feeling the pain that I have felt in the past and because of that I realize it has paralyzed me from moving forward. I am stuck in this cycle of behaviors and actions that I accustomed to. The idea of breaking this cycle seems impossible and yet I know I have to break it because happiness, however I end up defining it, is not defined by my past hardships and fear. 

Buddhism teaches the idea of impermanence, that nothing last forever. When I first started reading about impermanence I thought it was depressing. The idea of nothing lasting forever seemed sad to me, and in a way it is because there are some things in life that are so wonderful it is inconceivable to think of them not being there. But the way I had it explained to me is everything is impermanent so cherish every moment for what it is, do not become so attached to something or someone that it causes debilitating depression if you lose it. 

In my mind I think in some ways this is impossible to do, such as love-filled relationships, if I were to lose anyone in my family I would suffer deeply and I think that is only healthy, but in terms of the smaller, day to day things I am accepting to impermanence and I try to use it to help me move past my paralyzing fear. I am working on cherishing the day to day moments, even the tough moments, because those moments will not last forever. 

Nothing last forever. 

Cherish the moments the fill you with love and gratitude, learn from the moments that cause suffering, and let yourself live in the present. 

I do not believe that is the core essence of my happiness, but I believe letting go and letting be will start to allow to define how I understand what happiness is to me.