Chasing Sensations

I some how ended up going to yoga for overweight individuals.

I have no idea how I did that, apparently I need to read the class description better next time. The class was not physically strenuous but the teacher taught the class in a way that made you connect your body to the ground (all we did was floor poses) in a way I had never practiced before.

She told us to yield to the ground, to learn to work with gravity and how your body responds to gravity.

As we were working through poses she would ask us where our bodies where in relation to the ground, were we working with the ground or pushing away from the ground? Were we searching for a new kind of sensation, instead of settling and being comfortable relying on the ground for stability.

She proceeded to go on a ten minute tangent about how as human kind we are constantly looking for sensations, sensations make us feel alive.

This brought me back to a previous conversation I had earlier in the week with a friend (who also likes to push boundaries) about why we must test fate and taunt death to feel alive.

I came up with that I enjoy being able to see how far my body can go, how far I can push myself. I feel alive when I know my body is not a limitation.

But I do not honestly know if that is what it is...what is it about experiencing sensations and the need to feel that makes us go to extremes?

And beyond that how is "extreme" defined?  Extremes are extremely (pun!) individualistic.

For example, my friend who I was talking with earlier this week loves the idea of high lining and then jumping off the middle of it in a flying squirrel suit.

The idea intrigues me but my idea of extreme is vastly different. I love the idea of running an ultra marathon as my extreme.

And because are ideas of extremes and how we chase sensations are so vastly different, does that make how we connect to one another different?

We will ever fully grasp the other person's perspective?

The sensations that we chase and how we achieve those sensations greatly defines humans as they are.

Are we more drawn to people who chase sensations similarly?

The past 7 months I have been on a journey to redefine and reconnect with my whole self, this has led me on many adventures and experiences and I truly believe people are drawn together who have similar extremes which create the sensation that they need.

It may sound weird, the term "sensation" is a strange way to explain anything, but for me sensations are the way we feel alive.

My yoga teacher told me to work with gravity and yield to the ground, but when we yield how does that make us feel alive?

There needs to a steady tension between healthy yielding and knowing when to keep pushing, because without that where is the point in living?

"The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain" -Lord Byron

PDE: Public Display of Emotion

Public display of emotion, what so wrong with it? 

Why is it when someone has a big emotion people look and stare and then shuffle away and whisper about what they have just witnessed.

The other day I was walking downtown and a man, who appeared to be a business man, he was nicely dressed and seemed to be put together, was excitedly jumping around and celebrating. 

I watched as people shuffled around and commentated. I heard a few chuckles and a few comments saying the man was crazy. I could see maybe calling him crazy if he looked homeless, because that would be all to stereotypical. 

But a man, a business man, celebrating in public...does that make him crazy?

What about public displays of emotion makes people so uncomfortable? 

I atteneded Dane's funeral today. 

It was heart wrenching. Dane was a Portland Police Office and the funeral had the ceremonial traditions for any fallen officer. So the funeral opened with bag pipes and closed with bag pipes playing Amazing Grace. 

It was really emotional, I found myself holding my breath and biting my lip to keep the tears from streaming down my face and as I looked around everyone else was doing something similar. We were all choking back the tears. 

When the ceremony ended, I was talking to my sister, who also attended the funeral. 

I had a slew of random questions like,

-How often do you think the bag pipe players practice?

-Is that their only job?

-How long do you think they have been playing together?

I had to explain myself because the questions were a bit random. I admitted that instead of sitting with the pain of thinking about Dane, I let my mind be distracted with useless questions that kept me from breaking down.

Even after the funeral, as Dane's wife and children walked out, they kept it together, they were stoic.

We are taught to be stoic when faced with tragedy. 

But I don't understand why. 

Why do we make all our emotions to be all one, long stagnant, linear line? Where does that get us? 

When are we allowed to outwardly celebrate or grieve?

I don't believe masking our emotions gets us anywhere. I think keeping emotions to a minimum creates adverse emotional health affects. 

When I came home I felt exhausted and angry. I wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. I curled up and hid. 

Later in the day I had to go to the Post Office to figure out a shipping conundrum. As I spoke with the employee helping me I became emotional, tears brimmed my eyes and as I left I broke down and sobbed in my car. 

But I made sure I kept it contained until I made it to my car, because no one wants to see someone sobbing. That is a no no in the social etiquette book. 

I wasn't upset at the Post Office (well, I was a little but not enough to cry over it). All my emotions that I bottled up from the morning at Dane's funeral came pouring out and after I let myself sit with the pain and my tears I began to feel better. I began to feel at peace. 

I went to yoga right after and was able to confine in a close friend my day and my emotions. I was able to display emotions publicly and it was cathartic. 

Now that I look back on my day I am remembering what my old, wise therapist use to tell me when I was overcoming the loss of Jordan. 

She told me: "Ride your emotions like a wave, you cannot out run the wave, it will eventually catch you, so sit in the wave and ride it until it comes to the shore". 

I always understood and appreciated this idea, but I think I understand it more after today. I have been  practicing riding the wave, but always in the comfort of my own home, where no one can see me and I don't have to show my vulnerable side but it is coming to my attention that I need to be able to ride the wave in public. 

I realize certain times it is not possible to publicly display my emotions, but I think most times it is OK. As a society we have engrained in ourselves that we must keep emotions bottled up and keep moving forward. 

Emotions in our society are not seen as productive and lucrative, they are hinderance but I coming to believe emotions are the foundation to be fully human. 

How can we interact and live within a community when we cannot even be emotionally open and honest?

It goes against the grain but I believe we need to start publicly displaying our emotions, the good and the bad. 

If I want to cheer because I found out good news, than damn it I will or if I need to cry I am going to, because life is beautiful and emotions are the essence of the soul. 

We cannot keep covering them because it makes people feel uncomfortable or because they seem unproductive. 

Be gentle first with yourself - if you wish to be gentle with others. -Lama Yeshe