The Greatness of Parents

These are my crazy, wonderful, supportive parents. 

On the left you have them cheering me on at The Portland Marathon! I had no idea they were going to be at mile 18 and as I was struggling to keep my pace and keep my mind on finishing they popped up and gave me that boost that kept me going till the finish line! 

And below is them being weird on christmas morning. They also know how to make me laugh!  

The reason I am showcasing my parents is because today is their anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They have been married 34 freaking years!

It is hard for me to put into words what my parents have done for me over my lifetime. When I sit down and think about them and all they have done it brings tears to my eyes because I do not know what I would do without them.

I have always been an awkward child. I struggled at sports, I struggled in school, I struggled being open with what was going in my life.

I am a quiet soul and I can imagine that was difficult on my parents, never really knowing what was going through my head and yet they worked to make life a blessing for me.

They didn't force me into sports, they didn't even make me stay at one school, they let me transfer schools 4 times in 6 years. When I dropped out of college the first time they didn't judge me, they pushed me to follow my dreams and supported me through beauty school. When I decided I had to go back to college they still encouraged my adventurous spirit.

When I ventured down the wrong paths of life they didn't force me back on to the right path, they let me wander and unconditionally loved me as I found my way back.

And even know as I struggle to find where my next steps of life are going to take me they support me and love me.

I mean I live in their freaking basement and I am almost 25! I never thought I would be that child but life circumstances created a different path for me and my parents welcomed me home. They are nurturing me and being my rock while I rediscover who I am.

It is easy to take advantage of parents and not want to spend much time with them, especially at my age but I learning to embrace my time at home. I don't know where life is taking me next but I cherish the days I get with my parents.

They are the people with the unconditional love that allow me to be me. I sometimes forget that and go out and looking for acceptance and connection elsewhere but I have acceptance and connection right at home that has the ability to heal and love me and build me back up until I can stand on my own two feet again.

There are no words to thank my parents for what they do for me, but I can commemorate them on their anniversary!

Football?

I was at church last Sunday and a man from France was speaking.

He had moved to Senegal to work with the Senegalese people. He wanted to start a grassroots movement for sustainable agriculture.

When he first arrived in Senegal he built a fence around his house. The Senegalese people called him "the crazy white man". They couldn't understand why he would build a fence around nothing.

You must realize that Senegal is a dessert. To the Senegalese people, all they see is the dessert, they couldn't understand why a fence would be built in the middle of the dessert, but there was a reason.

The crazy white man knew he needed a fence before he could start a garden, he knew nature was not always going to be his best friend. And the crazy white man started teaching these things to the Senegalese people.

He has a passion and he is living to fulfill it.

So you might be wondering why I am rambling about this crazy white man in Senegal.

And it is only going to get more random.

So we all know Super Bowl is this Sunday.

I don't really understand or care about football, so I may have a skewed perspective on this but here is what I am thinking:

If people spent this much time, money, emotion, and planning on something that actually mattered to the world, that could actually better the world, what would our world look like?

I mean I am kind of amazed at how much is done for the Super Bowl and other various sporting events.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why we have sports, I understand the uniting factors sports can have on a society but really in the big picture of things will the Super Bowl do us any good?

After Sunday passes, what good has come from a day of football except eating and drinking too much and getting hyped up on football plays?

How can we create that kind of excitement and commitment to things that actually matter?

I mean we are totally the crazy white men/women. We spend millions of dollars on one day, we get overly excited for commercials, we scream at a TV because some dudes threw the ball right or wrong.

I realize football is mind-numbing, it is something we can put emotion into but it doesn't actually effect our life. On this Sunday most people will forget what is bothering them and live vicariously through football.

But just think if we could put that emotion, energy and money into something that could change the world....

Just try and picture it.

Remember this idea on Super Bowl Sunday and try to reach out and do a little good in midst of the football chaos!

We have the potential to be like the crazy white man that moved to Senegal and lived for something bigger than himself.

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Faces

“Underneath my outside face

There’s a face that none can see.

A little less smiley,

A little less sure,

But a whole lot more like me.” 

-Shell Silverstein 

Excuse Mister Silverstein, you are a genius. 

Let me explain to you how this speaks so genuinely to me and take the time to try and do the same. 

"Underneath my outside face"...

My face that can smile when it wants to cry. My face that has become all to good at covering up raw emotions. 

My outside face is the face that is made just for the world to see. 

I will tell you I am strong, I will tell you I am confident. I will tell you I can be everything you need me to be. I will tell you that I am fine. 

I will push you away, I will refuse all help. I will pretend that I have the strength inside.

And yet..."There's a face that none can see"...

You do not see me sitting here alone in my room pondering why I ache, you do not see me here struggling to see how happiness will take shape. I do not tarnish the world with my constant heartache, my constant yearning to not be alone. My inside face is to vulnerable and dirty for anyone to see. 

This face you cannot see is not what the world expects of me. 

Because the smile that adorns my face is something of a ruse.

"A little less smiley"...

Now that is me. I do not always have the strength inside and most of the time I am not fine. 

"A little less sure"...

Always questioning left from right, up from down, right from wrong. Always wondering what is next and why it all exist. 

"But a whole lot like me"...

I am like locket, on the outside I can shine so bright but I only know what I conceal inside. 

The Fate Game

I know my luck is changing. (Can I get a woot woot!!!!)

I always run after work.

When I don't have a pocket to  carry my key in I intricately tie it onto my shoelace. This has always worked perfectly well...

But today my shoe felt loose, however I thought nothing of it so I kept running.

My body felt pretty exhausted from the past few work outs I had done so I did the required hill workout my coach assigned me and called it a day. (Normally, I would add four or five more miles onto it!)

When I arrived back at my car and reached down to untie my shoe to grab my key, my key was sitting next to my shoe!

AHH!

All I could think was thank god I didn't loose my freaking key running. The luck I have been having I would of lost it running and wouldn't of found it!

If I had ran those extra miles I would of lost that damn key! (I mentally noted to always listen to your body, it always makes the right choice)

I may have even done a happy dance that consisted of a fist pump and gyrating the hips to celebrate not losing my key!

I am really starting to appreciate the little things after the luck I have been having.  Before if my key had just fallen off my shoe at the end of my run I wouldn't of thought anything of it.

It is easy to take advantage of the amazing things in life when you don't have to struggle to achieve it.

And the struggles can defeat you, they can be brutal. I know I have spent many days asking what I did to deserve some of the bad luck I have had.

I thought I had some bad juju about me or karma was out to get me.

I have seriously sat and thought about past actions to try and pinpoint why I was being punished!

I am always looking for an answer for why things happen. I am constantly asking why.

I figured somewhere in my past I had done some seriously messed up things -- but I couldn't really think of anything that was that horrible!

I am a cause and effect kind of girl. It is easier to think systematically then just believe in fate and God's plan for me.

But I am starting to see that is exactly what life is. It is a series of linked events that can be altered through how you treat yourself, others and life decisions but ultimately we cannot control life.

There is a reason for the saying "Shit happens!"

I am learning to find great comfort in this. I don't have to be perfect and try to control everything. I can live life day by day, living the best that I can and work on being my best self but ultimately there is plan for me that is bigger than me that I have no control over.

So I can either weep over my bad luck and hate life (which I totally did for a while) or suck it up and find the positive in the hardest and darkest days.

As they say "The darkest hour is just before dawn".

"My fate cannot be mastered; it can only be collaborated with and thereby, to some extent, directed. Nor am I the captain of my soul; I am only its noisiest passenger." -Aldous Huxley

Embracing Vulnerability

When I was little I would dance on my bed like cat to the Aristocats sound track.

I vividly remember throwing my head side to side, swinging my hair and shaking my booty while singing (quiet loudly) to the lyrics.

I was such a care free child, I also very eccentric and perfectly content to be by myself with my imagination.

I would sing, dance and crack myself up. Sometimes I still do that. I love the morning when I am feeling extra energized and sing and dance in the shower, except that one time when I fell and knocked myself out...that was a whoopsie.

I was reading another book by Brene Brown and she said the three most important things in life are:
1: singing
2: dancing
3: laughing

I have already touched on the idea of laughing a few times in my blog but not singing and dancing!

She said these things, singing, dancing, and laughing are not done often enough when we grow up because it makes us look vulnerable.

And if you think about it belting it out or shaking your booty is a very vulnerable experience. At least for me it is. I don't have the best voice or the best rhythm (it is mediocre at best) and it can be embarrassing to do these things in front of people you are not 110% comfortable with.

You risk looking like the idiot and lets be honest who want to look like idiot?

But it turns out looking like the idiot is way more fun then being the stick in the mud that stands to the side. 

Unfortunately as I say this the word vulnerability pops into my head -- being vulnerable is scary, you put yourself out there to be crushed, bull dozed, obliterated. People's words can hurt.

They say stick and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me...

THAT IS SO WRONG! Whoever came up with that saying is either very tough skinned or lying. (I am going to go with lying!)

I do weird shit and say weird shit. I have had mean things said me. I have had people question what the hell I am doing and honestly it does shut me down and stop me from doing it again.

Positive reinforcement is great but negative reinforcement has the potential to actually get into someone's head.

You can tell me I am great at being a cat and dancing but that one person who tells me I look like the village idiot is going to have way more impact.

So how do we over come this? How can we be vulnerable and not allow people to drag us down?

I actually don't have an answer for this question, just posing it and hoping someone has an idea!

All I know is I am going to work on being vulnerable even if I look like a dumbass because I love dancing, I love singing and I love laughing at all the wrong times.

It's just the facts of my life.

"What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful" -Brene Brown

Running Free

So I am sitting here at my kitchen table with my legs propped up and a bag of blueberries on one knee and a bag of corn on the other.

No, just not just for the fun of it. I am weird but I am not that weird. Using frozen fruits and veggies work great for ice packs!!!

My knees are aching, my feet have also seen better days.

So much running!!! I am putting in 50+ miles a week with more intense workouts throughout the week plus weight training.

A lot of people think I am cuckoo for how much I run. But my mentality is this:

Running is the most freeing activity for me. I found myself running today and making motor boating noises as I ran up hills, I also found myself singing "Hey, Mickey".

Honestly I was cracking myself up and when I got home from my run I was pleasantly exhausted, you know that exhausted feeling where all you want to do is shower, throw on some sweats and sit on your ass? 

Yeah, that was the feeling and now that is exactly what I am doing and I couldn't imagine feeling more content. 

I almost didn't run today, when I got off work I felt wiped out! It was such a hectic day at work! I felt in a fog. I could of easily just sat down and zoned out for the rest of the day. 

But sometimes we just have to push ourselves to do the things we know that makes us healthier and happier! 

It's strange really that the healthiest things for us are the hardest things to do. It really seems like reverse logic. 

If I do A+B and it equals happiness and health then why would I do C+D which has the opposite result.

I know I am not the only person that does this. It's like some twisted human condition. I know it goes back to the idea of immediate gratification but how can we overcome the need for immediate gratification? 

I am finding a lot of self-control and determination is needed. Like A LOT! And I am still definitely learning not to choose immediate gratification over the long term gratification. 

But when I make the right decision, like I did today to go run, I never regret it and it reinforces why I am working so hard to not choose immediate gratification!

Search for those reminders and don't give up, life is too precious to waste on empty gratifications. 

"As we get past our superficial material wants and instant gratification we connect to a deeper part of ourselves, as well as to others, and the universe" -Judith Wright 

I'm Back!

I love this, like absolutely 100% love this because it is so completely true. Just a few days ago I wrote an article about laughter and how necessary it is. 

Psychology today wrote an article called You're Not Laughing and That's No Joke. The article explains that laughter enlightens us and changes us. 

The article quotes research that "has shown that laughter reduces levels of stress hormones such as cortisol, epinephrine, and dopamine; increases health-enhancing hormones (such as endorphins), neurotransmitters, and infection-fighting antibodies; and improves blood flow to the heart—all resulting in greater relaxation and resistance to disease, as well as improved mood and positive outlook".

It also explains laughter  makes us "lighten up which makes us feel more positive and optimistic, more hopeful and engaged. We're friendlier, more resourceful, more attractive, more radiantly alive".

In the end of the article it explains making a "laughing quota", a certain amount of laughs you want to reach each day. I love this idea! It is so easy to be serious all the time, especially at my job where the students make you want to scream but in reality most of the crazy shit they do is ridiculously funny. 

What really made me write about laughter again though is something that happened today. I felt like myself, my old care-free self.

I found myself being pleasantly quirky and laughing at the most random things. 

I had a study date with one of my close friends. He is one of those people you can joke about anything with, and I mean anything, were hopelessly ridiculous together. After studying we walked to get lunch. 

I found myself making car noises as I hopped curbs, I rambled about buying extra large goldfish and  after lunch we found our way to the pet store to pursue goldfish but end up hysterically laughing at mice running on their wheel. 

As I sit here writing this blog, I can't help but think "I'm back!" My quirky self is coming back, I am feeling light again. 

I know I won't always feel this way, but it feels good to know that I am seeing glimpses of my old self coming back. 

It truly amazing the power of care-free laugher and light heartedness. I am definitely going to work on reach a daily laugh quota! 

"Go home with yo bag of fish" -Dave

Crazy Making

I just didn't feel like anything I did mattered. That my arguments fell on deaf ears. That my opinons didn't matter.

I felt like I really was "weird" and "stupid"...

I felt I really was ridiculous when I was stressed about working full time and going to school full time, for being nervous for my marathons...

I was suppose to be full of love and optimism, to do everything perfectly and never question what he did.

He was the perfect one, I needed to change -- I needed to constantly better myself to appease him. I need to cater to him so I wouldn't get the silent treatment or the awful remarks that made me feel like I really was in the wrong.

As I explained this to my therapist, my never ending need to work on myself, to do everything better she listened but after I finished talking she told me it wasn't my fault.

It's called "Crazy Making" - my therapist explained it like this:

If you’re a victim of a crazy maker, you often feel lost, disconnected, unsure of your standing in the relationship, and unsure of yourself. You learn to doubt your perceptions because every time you say “The sky is blue” your abuser says, “The sky is green.” Over time, you become brainwashed enough to believe you no longer see that dazzling blue sky! Crazy making makes you feel like you are the crazy one

I wouldn't call him an abuser, I want to believe he didn't do it intentionally, but the damage was done.

But in a way I am glad I now have a way to wrap my head around why I lack self-worth, why I struggle so hard to see the beauty in me. 

I question everything I do and I worry that I will do something wrong and someone will be mad at me, some how I will be the fuck up again. 

I don't really know how long this feeling will last, but my therapist promised me I will heal over time and I will be able to be in healthy relationships where I am treated with value. 

But for now I am stuck not trusting people or myself. It is funny how you can blame yourself, I wonder "how could I not see how unhealthy the relationship was" but there is no point in asking these questions.

What is done is done and now I must heal. 

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity. -Hippocrates 

Riding the Waves

She said it is like riding a wave, you start at the bottom, hit the top and come crashing back down. This can happen once or it can be a storm.

You can either run from the waves, or ride them but only one way will ever teach you anything.

My therapist used this metaphor for emotions.

I went into her office with my eyes sunken in, no energy left to even pretend to be OK.

Life caught up with me, working so hard to be fervently busy turns out not to be my solution for healing. Apparently it is only keeping me broken for longer.

I have a lot of emotions inside of me, as I have spoken of before, but I am honestly tired of feeling them. I am done or at least I want to be.

So I threw myself into life. I threw myself into work, into my studies, into my running, into being the single girl and going out.

I thought I could be perfect at all of them. I told my therapist this, my need to be doing something all the time.

She looked at me like I was crazy (which I am pretty sure therapists are taught not to do, but whatever)

She told me to stop trying to be something I am not. She asked what made me happy, I listed:
1) Running
2) Hiking
3) Just being in nature
4) Reading
5) One on one or small group time with close friends and family
6) Serving people
7) Bath time

Not once did I list going out or doing the stereotypical things people my age do.

I was at with my team the other day and I thought "I need to be older" because I get along with people older than me a lot better than people my own age.

So my therapist's goal was to accept what I enjoy doing and not force myself to be someone I am not.

Not rocket science, but easier said then done.

She told me to treat myself like I would a toddler. She told me to give myself endless love, to be OK with mistakes, to take my time with life and be curious. She even told me to read myself a bed time story and tuck myself in.

Essentially she was teaching me to care for me. She was teaching me that it was OK to be fragile. That it is OK to be stuck in a storm where the waves don't seem to have an end. The sooner I start riding the waves, the sooner the storm will pass.

I think I just need to get a really good wet suit.

We all have life storms, and when we get the rough times and we recover from them, we should celebrate that we got through it. No matter how bad it may seem, there's always something beautiful that you can find. -Mattie Stepanek 

Chocolate Yo.

Forest Gump, easily one of my favorite movies of all time.

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what ya gunna get"

Like could a statement really be any better than that?

Life is sweet and full of goodness but until you choose which part of life you are going to enjoy it can seem ridiculously overwhelming.

You may call me a fattie but yes I have been overwhelmed by the decision of what chocolate I will eat out of a chocolate box (I must remind you though that I am a VERY picky chocolate eater, I only like certain types of chocolate, the type of chocolate that doesn't really taste like chocolate!)

I remember this one time in high school my mother gave me a box of truffles that were every flavor but chocolate. I think it had 12 truffles in the box. We were on my way to a therapy session and I proceeded to eat every truffle before we arrived at therapy.

My family will never let me live it down. I mean it is kind of impressive that I could eat 12 truffles in a twenty minute time period and not even be phased by it.

I have always been one to eat my feelings, but I regress.

What I am talking about is LIFE! Sweet, delicious life!

It is human nature not to always like life, just like not everyone likes all chocolate flavors.

So what happens when we eat a chocolate we don't like? Do we keep eating it? No! (or at least I assume most people wouldn't) We put the damn chocolate down and try another one.

So why is it when we get ourselves into situations in life we don't like we sit with it the for a while? What makes us creatures of habit to keep doing something we get no enjoyment out of?

If the situation is healthy, like vegetables I understand why we stick with it. We need it to live, but when it is sugary chocolate that makes our blood sugar go whacky, why do we stay?

Can we begin to look at life and realize that if we don't like something there are other options?

I think we get afraid there is nothing more out there. That when we find something that is OK we stick with it.

Fear is dangerous. We have to keep trying and get through the bad to find the good and make life absolutely delicious!

“20 years from now you will be disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the one’s you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain 

Laughter

This is my game face.

Sometimes I forget that I can be this determined.

This picture was taken after running up to the Vista House. It was a pain in the ass (literally) four mile run uphill. Not only was it uphill but it was on the scenic highway in the Gorge where most of the drivers didn't know runners were on the roads, even though it was a race. (No I did not to choose to run up to the Vista House by myself, I am not that ridiculous!)

So the run entailed disgusting heat, hills and jumping into bushes so cars would not hit me.

But through all off this I had six road kills (meaning I passed  six other runners) and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I ended the run tired and sweaty but so completely energized and loving life, everything about it!

This happens when I run, especially when I run hard! Running reminds me of my strength. I reminds me when I am determined I can accomplish anything I put my mind on!

This picture, with my scary, sweaty face reminds of that.

I have needed that reminder a lot lately because it is easy to be weighted down. Life can be too much for me sometimes.

Lately, I have been feeling overwhelmed with juggling work and school and training. I have been an anxious mess which leads me to not want to do anything. I have been sitting in front on my computer for a good hour before I could write this blog because I didn't know what to say.

I actually sat here with myself and just thought. I ended up crying, in the middle of Starbucks because I felt so upset about life. (Yeah, I am the crazy girl who sits in public by herself and cries) but I think I needed to sit with myself and feel. It led me to realize I needed to pull the serious stick out of my ass and look for something that either made me laugh or realize that life is pretty damn awesome!

I found this picture. I am about to go to my track workout which I really wasn't wanting to go to but now I remember why I go to these things, why I push myself because once I am out there I find strength.

Life is tough and I have been spending the past month untangling really tough emotions in my life and lately I have forgotten that I am a determined individual that can do anything I put my mind too.

And by remembering this I can start to begin to see the beauty in not taking life to seriously, it will all eventually work out.

I cannot make it work out quickly or how I want it to so I can either be annoyed, sullen and overwhelmed or I can laugh and enjoy what life is handing me.

That is my goal for this week, to not take life to seriously. To laugh and enjoy it.

There is a lot of hardship in the world but laughter can help ease the burden.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. -E.E. Cummings

Feelings Trump Desires

I told my close friend today that sometimes we have to leave the people we love the most to let them grow and to grow within ourselves.

What the hell? How does that even work?  It really seems ridiculous! You would think we should be able to grow with the people we love the most.

But sometimes the people we love the most are not the healthiest for us. 

It is the difference between what we feel and what we desire.

I believe what we feel is a mixture of our heart and our head whereas desire is purely emotional.

I am going to use my love for pita bread as an example.

As some of you know I am a glutard aka I cannot consume gluten without crapping my pants and throwing up. Hooray!

So my desire is to eat pita bread...with hummus. It would be delicious, I would enjoy it in the moment but come a few hour laters I would hate myself and pita bread. My body would really hate me and pita bread.  Essentially the pita bread would destroy my insides for at least a week.

My feeling on pita bread is I still want to eat it and I would enjoy but I start to think about the bad parts. I really do not like to make myself feel like crap. I try to avoid it and I avoid it by not eating what I love. It sucks in the moment but the next day when I wake up I never think "damn, I should of ate that pita bread".

It is hard to not eat the bread because we live in a time where instant gratification is glorified. We want what we want when we want it. It sucks not having what we want. It really isn't fun.

But living life is not always about getting what we want and having fun. Life is about living for what we need and what will sustain us.

Being a grown up is a major bummer sometimes, for this exact reason. When the fight between feelings and desire is bigger than pita bread it can be the hardest struggle in life.

When the fight between feelings and desire is connected to relationships it can feel like the world is ending. It takes extreme self discipline, self love and determination to say good-bye to the person you love the most.

It can seem impossible to see the good side of saying good-bye. The positives of saying good bye to someone doesn't come right away, it can take weeks, months and even years. It seems ridiculous to fall apart and watch the person you love fall apart, especially when you know if you reunited the pain could disperse.

But in the long run the relationship will only be detrimental, growth will not occur because being comfortable is contagious, it is poisonous.

We deserve to be in a postive relationship that helps us grow in a positive way. When negative circumstances take place we have to use these as a sign, we do not deserve to be treat badly, we don't deserve to be destroyed.

There are people in my life I want in my life, like I want pita bread in my life. It is the hardest to say no but I know in the long run I will be healthier and happier. My insides will say thank you.

We have to remember the positives in the hardest times, when we internally struggle between feelings and desires, but the hardship is worth the outcome. We can endure the pain and come out on the other side!

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

A Time to Celebrate

Through this blog I have worked hard to look deep and untangle some tough emotions and life situations I have been going through, I have tried to dig deep and that has led to some seriously dark blog entries. I try to stay on the positive side but when your dealing with the tough stuff it cannot always be happy go lucky...

But I want to take today and celebrate the wonderful nature of life!!!! Life is a gift and through all my trails and tribulations I have this growing excitement for each new day that comes my way! There is so much opportunity in the world and I am learning to embrace the opportunities and make the most out of each situation. 

Over the summer I went to Mexico and volunteered at an orphanage. I met my old youth pastor there with his youth group from Hawaii, It was one of those experiences that change your life. It allowed me to live beyond myself and reminded me of my love to serve others.

I spoke in an earlier blog entry about my unconditional love for my niece and how my sister is my hero and role model. Beyond my sister and my niece I am blessed with a spectacular family! They support me and love me unconditionally even when I do not deserve it. I am strong because of them and I am reminded daily that I am not alone. They are my foundation that allows me to build a sturdy life where I can flourish and love others as I have been loved.

My friends also are like family to me. I have some the closest girlfriends a girl could ask for. Three of them: Natosha, Anna and Kourtney have been in life for many years. We have struggled through the difficult times and embraced the wonderful times but no matter what we have always been there for each other. I was once told by an insightful woman that if you have seven close friends in your life than you are truly lucky. I have that support and many others in my life I know I could turn to if I really needed too!

On top of my amazing experiences, family and friends I have a job that fills me up with gratitude and joy (most days). Working with special education students is hard work but it is the most rewarding job I have ever had. I go to work everyday and get to help my students develop and learn. I have the responsibility to help them grow into little people who will be eventually have an impact on the world. ( I also get to do fun art projects and pretend I am a kid again!)

And finally I am apart of an amazing team that is running to fight cancer. Every time I am with them I hear brave stories of people who are fighting cancer, all of us on the team have been affected by cancer one way of another. Instead of letting cancer defeat us, we use it as motivation to run for those who cannot. It is a weekly reminder that I am blessed and to not take advantage of life.



These are just a few of the spectacular things going on in my life! Experience and people can be easy to take advantage of if we don't sit down and truly realize how much they are doing in our lives. I struggle with life but in the big picture I have a blessed life. If it weren't for these blessing I probably wouldn't be able to dig deep and seriously examine my life. The best and the worst of things must be celebrated and used to enhance life!

Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh. -Henry David Thoreau

Self-Sabbatoge=Self-Care

I am began writing this blog entry at a coffee shop right by my old apartment in downtown Portland.

As I walked to the coffee shop memories flooded back to me.

Those were some of my craziest days. I cannot help but laugh and reminisce because I don't have to worry about ever being that girl again.

I worked really hard to change who I was and the two things that helped me change were my amazing ability to self-sabbatoge and my determination towards self-care.

I define these terms as:

Self-sabbatoge:
the physical or emotional acts that create an adverse affect in the individual's life. 

Self-care:
the physical and/or emotional acts that propel the individual in a positive direction in life. 

Lately I have been really hard on myself for my self-sabbtaoging acts, or what I saw as self-sabbatoging acts.

I woke up the other morning feeling really icky about decisions I have been making. I have been negating my self worth and I have complicated important friendships. I honestly feel like I have been pushing away what is good for me instead of pulling it close.

I recently began to untangled why I was acting this way. I realized I am trying to fill a void in my life. I have this ache in my spirit that I do not know how to ease.

I have decided that I need to stop berating myself and start accepting my actions. I cannot change them but I can learn from them.

 ...and learning I am.

Reflecting back now on my apartment building and how to symbolizes my past life I am realizing that I am person that must self-sabbatoge to learn how to have self-care.

My pervious mistakes in life have led me to become a better person. My self-sabbatoging acts led to me to go back to school, to start running, and to start thinking beyond myself.

I became complacent when I met Jordan because it was easy and comfortable. I thought I had life planned out but I didn't.

In that relationship I partook in self-sabbatoging actions and since then I have made some bad decisions, but I am learning these actions are my subconscious screaming at me that I need a life change.

I am working on being able to understand myself wholly without making bad decisions but right now I am accepting that the bad decisions are how I learn. I am learning self-care through shitty situations. I am learning through the pain I put myself in.

Just as I wrote about early, our flaws are something that cannot be emitted from life. We must live with them and work through them.

We must find the good in the bad, the happiness in the hardship.

If the past cannot teach the present and the father cannot teach the son, then history need not have bothered to go on, and the world has wasted a great deal of time. -Russell Hoban

Flaws

I went to therapy the other night. It was my first time with this therapist. A few years ago I had possibly the best therapist ever. When we ended meeting I wrote her a letter and told her I considered her like family. She got me through my hardest times in life. I will always miss her.

But the other therapist I had just a few months ago was just not cutting it. I mean she was fine but she was very psychoanalytical. I understand my past has shaped me but I really don't think dissecting every moment in my life, especially my childhood, is going to help me in the present.

So I have this new therapist that is very quirky and fun, but for people who have not been to therapy, well its very strange especially when the therapist has to diagnose you for insurance to cover it. I spent 50 minutes of my night being analyzed and told what my diagnosis are.

Apparently I have generalized anxiety disorder and body dysmorphic disorder. OK, thanks, that helps a whole a lot, NOT.

 It's the one part I hate about therapy, being put into a label.

It's like you tell them your greatest flaws just to be put into a box, I don't want to be put in a box. That is exactly what I am trying to get out of.

My new therapist said "Society pushes the ideal that if a person is comfortable in their own skin they will be extroverted, outgoing, and showing signs of happiness, introversion is not recognized and appreciated in out society."

Can I get an Amen?

My therapist said this comment when I spoke about being a painfully shy child and still struggling socially. I have come a long way, but I mostly go with the motto "fake it till you make it."

I may come across as confident but most of the time I am about to shit my pants and really just want to go hide.

I question this regularly. What makes me want to push past my social awkwardness? What makes me want to go to therapy?

My therapist told me I am determined and she just might be right.

I am determined not to remain stagnant. I am determined to grow. I refuse to let my flaws affect how I interact with life.

I believe once people start truly accepting their flaws they can begin to live. The word flaws does not have to have a negative connotation.

Flaw is defined as:
an imperfection or weakness and especially one that detracts from the whole or hinders effectiveness 

I don't see people as being one whole unit, I believe in the totality of the world  in which we are all pieces. Essentially human kind is a multiplicity of pieces that make up a whole, kind of like a puzzle.  

So when the definition of flaws says detracts from the whole it is not speaking to the whole of a person. It is the whole of the world. 

For those of you who are not religious you may not resonate with my belief, but God gave his son because he knew human kind was flawed. Our flaws that detract from the whole are mitigated through God's grace. 

We can make mistakes but it is up to us to keep moving forward and evolving 

“We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That's what connects us--that we're all broken, all beautifully imperfect.” -Emilio Estevez 

Bestowing Smiles

I woke up at 4 am this morning with the thought "I don't want to go to work".

Then I reminded myself that I am looking for the beauty in the world, the positives, so I told myself that today I was going to look beyond myself and change my mental attitude.

A friend of mine last night was struggling and worrying about what the next day was to hold for him. We didn't talk much about what he was stewing over but I could sense their was a lot on his plate.

So naturally when I woke up at 4 this morning I decided to do crafts. I crafted him a card with a little glittery penguin on it that was adorned with a mustache. I wrote words of encouragement, placed it in a bag, add a Kombucha, (because Kombucha makes everything better) and left it on his door step.

I knew this wouldn't solve his day but I was hoping it would bring at least a smile and let him know he is not alone.

This is something I have always done for my friends and family. I love giving people little surprises that makes them smile and let them know they are loved. My old roommate and I would randomly bring small surprises home and leave them for each other. It was always the best when she said "it made her day" (I am sure it didn't actually but the smallest things can make a difference)

 If I can change a person's day for the better then by damn I am going to do it!

For a while though I lost this passion to make people smile.

I became cynical.

For 3+ years I worked really hard to make Jordan smile. I wanted to give him the world, but the favor was not returned. It was like a empty, black hole of giving and I began thinking "what is the point, no one does anything in return when I go out of my way for them".

But I am realizing that isn't the point. I am not going out of my way to make people's days better because I want someone to do the same for me. I am doing it because that is why I am here. I believe my purpose in life is to help people and let them know they are not alone.

Yeah, it sucked that at the end of mine and Jordan's relationship I felt alone and mistreated but he is the outlier.

I have been blessed with amazing people who love me and remind me the importance of being in relationships with people. I wouldn't want a life where I wasn't serving people.

People might drain me at times and I may want to scream and say fuck it, but when it comes down it what is life if you are just living for yourself?

That seems like a pretty lonely existence to me.

For it is in giving that we receive -Saint Francis of Assisi

Rediscovering Beauty

It was a bad day at work, like a really bad day.

I love my job because I love working with my students. I think they are the most wonderful little people who deserve the world. My students have been dealt an unfair hand and I just want to be able to make something a little better in their lives.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing their little faces smiling and to see happiness in their day, but there are days at work when my students don't smile and there is no happiness.

It breaks my heart and part of me is scared I will become calloused towards the population I work with.

I remember when I first started at my job. I would do anything for my students to make them smile. Then slowly I became less flexible, started enforcing more rules, became less lenient. I was thinking about that on my run today. I struggle with teaching my students how the world actually works and just giving in and letting me have their way for once.

It is a complex balancing act of working with my students to teach them how to function in society but also show them the world is not full of all evil.

Sometimes I have to remind myself the world is not full of all evil.

Have you ever just sat down and thought about the beauty of the world?

Yesterday I watched the sunset. I listened to the bird chirping. I felt the cold breeze that reminded me that I am whole and living a glorious life.

This morning I did yoga and watched the sun rise over the mountain. The silhouette of the mountain showed me there are bigger things in life to conquer.

As I sit and write this blog I am watching a a couple walk the down the street, connected simply with their hands and yet it says so much. To hold hands is like an offering to let someone know they are not alone.

We shouldn't have to search for the good in the world. But our minds are warped to see the evil, to fixate on it.

I do it at work, I concentrate on the things my student's shouldn't be doing and what they could do better. Yet I know they need the positive reinforcement of everything they do right.

Just like we need the positive reinforcement of everything that is right in world.

Being human is a glorious gift. We cannot forget that or let the evil in the world blind us from the beauty.

Take a moment and look around now and appreciate what is surrounding you.

I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us alright. -Henry David Thoreau

Practicing Disconnection

Yesterday I read the article Bored...And Brilliant? A Challenge To Disconnect From Your Phone on NPR.

(You can read the article here)

For me the line that stuck most said:

"Studies suggest that we get our most original ideas when we stop the constant stimulation and let ourselves get bored..."

I resonante too much with the statement, this constant need for over stimulation. I began noticing the need for the stimulation in my sleeping habits. I found I couldn't fall asleep if I wasn't keeping my mind occupied. I literally would read until I feel asleep, most mornings I would wake up with my kindle in my hands.

I tried many times to try and change this but it wasn't up until recently that I was able to lie in bed without occupying my mind. Somehow, out of the blue, I started to gain the ability to meditate.

For a long time I thought maditation was about keeping my mind quiet and just sitting with myself in peace and relaxation, which it may be for some people.

For me though, it is about letting my thoughts run wild. I literally lay in bed and let my mind think about anything and everything but I do not let myself fret, it is the only thing I don't let myself do. I refuse to worry about what is in the past or what is in the future.

You should try it. It is quiet healing being able to think through the day and fully process it.

But I also feel like the idea of over stimulation stems further then just my sleeping habits.

I have been noticing an influx of people making a concerted effort to take a step away from technology and interact with what is surrounding them.

I have had a cell phone since I was 15. It was my 15th birthday present and I felt so connected to the world. Now that I look back though I cannot help but wonder what I have missed. It is so easy to stare into a little screen and let the world pass by.

I realize this idea I am speaking to isn't new for any of us but it is just really sinking in that technology is wreaking havoc with how I function.

When I was little I had a safety blanket, I loved that damn thing. I had it through high school and then  created it into a quilt for my mother. The cell phone is the new safety blanket for grown ups, it is an object we can hold that gives us a false sense of security.

But what does a day look like without technology? When it is just you and the world as one.

This is something I am going to work on. I want to see what I have been missing. Who knows what ideas I will come up with! This blog could get way more interesting...or weird.

Let the journey begin!

Writing about feeling disconnected has enabled me to connect, and that has been the most lovely thing of all -Marian Keyes

Coping With Control

I was reunited with a friend tonight. We have known each other since we were knee high to a grasshopper. 

We spent the evening sipping cocktails (which were adorned with dinosaur figures) and chatting about life. It had been several years since we had actually spent this much time together. I always heard through the great vine how she was doing and stalked her Facebook on occasion. 

As we sat and talked about life I realized what a strong, amazing woman she has become. 

I also realized we were in the same spot in life, we are both trying to decide what are futures are going to look like. 

As I talked about the need to plan and control how I foresee my future she posed the question:

What is the point in planning?

Of course in my mind my first thought was "I must plan". It is what I do, it is one of my biggest characteristic flaws. I am a planner, I like to have control and know what the next step in life is. 

My therapist says it stems from two things:

1: my anxiety

2: my perception of myself 

I have wrote pervious blogs on trying to be the best and always pushing to be better. This idea is engrained me. 

I feel like if I read another book, learn a new concept, run another mile, work an extra hour I will somehow grow in my worth. That somehow, magically, the clouds will part and tell me I am enough. 

This has yet to happen which is why I am an anxious mess most of the time because I am constantly striving to be better. To plan everything out so I don't mess up. 

I believe if I do A+B+C it should equal D. 

WRONG

Life doesn't add up. I know this. I am constantly telling myself this and learning this but do I listen. No. I am one of the most stubborn people I know, I annoy myself most the time because I know I cannot be perfect but that doesn't stop me from trying. 

The questions I find myself asking is how do I become comfortable in my own skin? How do I come to understand my own self-worth? 

I find positive interactions with peers help. This blog has helped me immensely, especially from the positive support I have received. 

But what happens when there is no outside support? How do we learn to support ourselves?

Personally, I know planning and controlling every aspect of my life is not doing me any good. If anything it estranges my from people and brings me more stress, but I am still learning new ways to cope. For now resting in the belief that their is a greater plan in place for me which I am learning to accept.

Because last time I checked I cannot control what the big man upstairs has in store for me so I should probably just let go and trust.

But as always, that is easier said then done.  

This blog entry doesn't have any answers or words of wisdoms. This is just an entry to be raw and honest with the things I struggle with daily. In hopes that people who read this that have similar struggles know they are not alone.  

And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them. -Isaiah 42:16

Getting Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable

So there is the cliche saying that success is 90% showing up...

I really do not like sayings, especially the ones that are on the wooden boards that get plastered all over shops and houses.

Do we really need reminders how to live a life full of goodness and meaning?

I really hope not.

But the saying: success is 90% showing up is ringing true in my life.

Most of the time I really, really, really, do not want to do anything. It's the joyous sign of depression. My bed seems just fine to me, and all those things on my todo list will be there tomorrow and the days following.

The only thing that has been getting my off my ass is running.

I signed up for Team In Training (TNT) on a Saturday morning when Jordan and I were fighting. I felt really depressed and did't want to do anything but I didn't want to stay home and get the silent treatment anymore. So I showed up for an information session.

On a whim I signed up for the Big Sur marathon and also signed up to raise 3500$ for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

It was the best decision I have made in a long time.

Through my training with TNT I have met amazing people and I have also made running connections outside of the team.

There is a world out there I never knew existed. And as I am learning this, I am also learning to try to new things.

I realize this sounds silly but as we grow older it is easy to get stuck in a rut. We become stagnant where we are at, trying new things becomes to much of a burden.

But the world has so much to offer. There is so much to learn through experiences and people. How can we pass up these opportunities?

I am a socially awkward person so I understand how easy it is to stay home where you don't have to push yourself. I would be completely OK with having my head in my books all damn day, every day but then what?

Have you ever tried having a conversation with a novel? They really never change what they have to say, unlike people.

People are brilliant and are blessed with spectacular minds. We cannot distance ourselves from others just because it is uncomfortable.

We are human, that means we learn more from being uncomfortable and pushing ourselves then through being comfortable and stagnant.

Let us nourish our minds and spirits through new experiences that build new relationships.

It's where we go, and what we do when we get there, that tells us who we are.
-Joyce Carol Oates

The Consonance of Problems

Problems, we all have them.

Sometimes they are small and other times they feel like their as big as Mount Everest.

When someone else hears about another's problems they might shrug them off and not understand; other times it can put one's own problems into perspective.

Sometimes hearing about other's issues can be enraging. I know I have thought "Why the freak are you talking about your problems, don't you know I am dealing with way more important problems?"

Ha, could I be anymore of an ass?

Actually I think the first question I should be asking myself is:

Why am I comparing my problems to someone else's? Who am I to say my problems trump anyone else's issues.

I swear sometimes I feel like we live in a society that tries to one up each other in problems we have endured. It's like saying "hey, my life has been great" is not acceptable. Almost as if people don't want you to be happy but they also don't want you to have larger problems than their own.

This is when things get really sticky because white lies and exaggerations come forth.

Umm, but does anyone else see the issue at hand? Instead of being supportive for each other through our struggles we are distracted by how our own issues compare.

I was spending time with my sister today. She is going through some major life renovations, like they are HUGE and I couldn't be more proud of her. I love hearing about the changes she is making and the ways she is growing in her life. I am always so proud and amazed by her (she is my hero and role model FYI). But as she was telling me about these changes and the emotions that come along with change she said something along the lines of "you don't want to hear about my problems, you have enough to deal with already".

It made me stop and think because these past few months I have been entangled with my own shit. I have concentrated on me and what I needed to do to survive. I made myself a priority and didn't notice much of anything that was going on around me. I am not proud of it, but sometimes you do that to survive.

Now that I am coming out of that haze I am learning about what has been going on around me. I don't think "hey sister, shut it, I have bigger fish to fry" or "my problems are too important to listen to yours". I love hearing about her journey because it brings me back down to earth and allows me to realize that life is bigger than me. My problems are not going to end the world! (Thank God!)

Unfortunately there have been other times that I have thought and said "You have no idea what I am going through" I implied that no one could wrap their head around my issues, as though I was a supreme being that had fanatical problems.

I am slowly pulling my head out of my ass.

Yeah I have problems, but so does everyone else. How we perceive those problems all depends on perspective. Who are we to belittle anyone's problem?

What makes it so hard to reach out and just let people know we are here for them, though thick and thin?

Why do we live in a society that always has to one up someone, even when it is the last thing they need?

We need to learn to listen, actually listen to what people are saying and empathize with what people endure.

If anything, we can grow and become united through differing problems. Stories can become the teacher instead of having to endure more experiences of hardship and struggles alone.

We need to learn to accept that we all have our own unique issues and through these struggles we have become unique beings that hold a wealth of knowledge that can teach each others about the world's pitfalls and beauty without actually having to live through the same difficult experiences.

Why else would we be forced to struggles through life's challenges if we were not suppose to use them to teach and support others through the journey of life?

It is naive to stand alone and  try to endure life's trials and tribulations without support.

Men's hearts ought not to be set against one another, but set with one another, and all against evil only. -Thomas Carlyle 

Transposing Life

My mother once told me the only constants in life are change and death.

She shared this wisdom with me while my life was being tumultuously turned upside down.

The other day my friend quoted Ann Voskamp who said "life change comes when we receive life with thanks and ask for nothing to change".

It took me a while to comprehend Voskamp's quote, as did the quote by my mother. I could understand what these quotes were saying but I didn't know how to implemented them into my life.

First I had to decide what change really was.

This is what I came up with:

Change, whether in a physical form, an emotional state, a mental processing or spiritual shift, is what keeps human kind maturating. Change is the essence of human kind. To fully live, we must change. 

I believe what Voskamp is trying to imply is: when a person feels comfortable enough in their own skin and can accept, appreciate and give thanks for life as it is, is the only time a person can begin to accept change and grow from the changes.

We cannot stop change from happening, it is a constant. But change cannot be considered a "life change" if a person is not open and receptive to the idea of it.

Over the past few years life has given me many nudges that should have allowed for "life change". On rare occasions I was receptive to the nudges but most of the time I was not in a place where I accepted the idea of change.

I agree with Voskamp, that it does help to be comfortable in our own skin when accepting change but I believe we can accept change without being completely comfortable.

I think a person must be one of two things to be in a place to accept life change:
1) A person must be strong in who they are and what they believe
2) Be completely broken and searching for a way out

I have made one major "life change" when I was 20. This was a time when I had hit rock bottom and was scrambling to get my life together. All I can say is thank God for family, therapy and Narcotics Anonymous.

Now that I am almost 25 I am finding that life has yet again nudged me to create a "life change" but this time I am not going to make it because I have hit rock bottom. I am making it because I believe in myself.

I am not saying it is any easier this time around. I feel it is almost harder trusting myself now that I am becoming confident in who I am. When I was changing my life when I had hit rock bottom I knew I had no where to go but up, but this time my life is not in pieces. It is not perfect but I have many amazing blessings surrounding me and it would be easy to stay stagnent. It literally scares the shit out of me to think about the major life changes coming my way (but seriously, when I get emotional my stomach tells me about it).

But fear cannot hold us back. The opposite of fear is trust. We must trust in ourselves, we must trust in the life that has been given to us and  truly believe that there is a bigger plan set in place.


To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly. ~Henri Bergson

Cicatrix

I am having a really hard time writing today. Not because I do not have things to say but because I am in a fog, a freaking life fog. 

I don't feel like myself. I feel exhausted. My body is sore, my mind is tired. It is one of those days when you feel like giving up. I felt this way yesterday but I kept going. 

Yesterday at work was a shit show. There is only so many times a student can hit, kick, bite, yell at you without losing it. Proceeded by finding out someone you deeply care about is falling apart and I can do nothing to save him, topped off by getting hit by a freaking biker as I crossed the street to track practice. 

I held it together all day yesterday and told myself it was a learning experience. 

I woke up today and made myself feel invigorated. 

My final straw was finding out I am missing a class I need to finish my undergrad program. A class I was told I did not need which is now full and only offered while I am at work. 

Like seriously, what the fuck. I swear I have some bad juju going against me. 

I have always been told that when in times like this you just have to keep going, push through the bad  to get to the good, fake it until you make it and all that jazz. 

Oh and I am great at faking it, but I am done. 

I am now realizing that sometimes you have to rest in the idea that it is OK to not be OK. 

We strive to push ourselves, to be the best. It is what I have done my whole life. 

There is a song by Radical Face in which it says:

"Peel the scars off my back, I don't need them anymore, you can throw them out or put them in your mason jar, I have come home"

I was thinking about how true  this line is. 

My body is a canvas. I have scars on my arms and hips from self harm in middle school and high school, I have the word FAT hiding on my right arm underneath my watch, I have tattoos that tell of times that formed me. My feet are calloused from the miles I have ran that have saved my life. 

All of these markings tell stories, stories I could not voice because I was always striving for perfection. I refused to let people know my imperfections so I kept the story on my body. I love my body for that but it is also a reminder to me that I cannot keep hiding within myself. 

I don't need to keep the stories from my scars, tattoos and callouses a secret. I need to vocalize who I am and rest in the idea that life isn't about being perfect. 

Life is about creating an environment that feels safe, safe like a home does. 

It is not healthy for people to always to be pushing themselves to the edge.

If we cannot accept ourselves and our flaws how can we accept others wholly? We must first be able to sit alone with ourselves before we can sit with others. 

I don't actually think I have a bad juju, I believe I am being told to slow down, to feel pain and be OK with it. 

It hurts to hurt, but trying to push through it will only end up causing more harm in the end. 

To heal a broken bone we must rest, so I can only believe the same is true to heal a broken spirit. 

Evil being the root of mystery, pain is the root of knowledge. -Simone Weil 

Consanguinity: People and World

This is Ella, my beautiful niece. She loves cake, parmesan cheese, and vegetables. She can use sign language better than me, and has some seriously amazing dance moves, but even more than that she has shown me what life is all about. She has taught me what unconditional love is. I never knew I could love someone so much.

I joke with my sister that she is my therapy, but in all seriousness Ella does show me that no matter how bad life gets there is always something to smile about. For me, Ella is the thing that always makes me smile.

She has made me change how I look at the world and how I live in the world.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that how we treat the world is symbolic to how we treat each other. I take this seriously (and maybe a little too far!)

This bugger is Alfonzo. He lives in my bathroom, he moved in about a week ago. Normally I just take creatures back to their habitat. I live by the belief that the bugs that come inside just got confused and it is not their fault. So I take them and put them back into their habitat. I mean, think about it, if bugs were human size would we want them to step on us? I don't think so. 

So no, my bathroom is not full of bugs, but Alfonzo lives near my ceiling. He decided to come down tonight to get his picture taken for the blog. If he is still hanging out tomorrow morning, I'll take him outside.

I realize how crazy I may seem, but we live in a symbiotic world. But how human beings are living presently does not represent this symbiotic relationship.

We live in a time where people are anthropocentric. Just because we may process at higher levels then our non-human counterparts does not mean we can dominate over them. 

This idea of domination is venomous to society. I don't want my niece growing up in a culture that teaches the idea that people must dominate the environment, our non-human counterparts, and our peers. 

Human kind was placed on this world to live in this world to nurture and care for it but instead we are exploiting our world and fighting over resources. I could go on a tangent about scarcity, but I will save that for another day. For now I will say the idea of scarcity has created the need to dominate, because for some strange reason we believe there is not enough to go around. 

Sometimes I feel like I am perpetually stuck in work mode and teaching the idea of sharing and caring, If we live in relation with people we do not need to worry about having enough. If people are whole and living for others than we should be able to care for each other when times get rough. Instead of all being potential hoarders we could relax a little and look at the bigger picture. 

We could stop and appreciate nature instead of exploiting it.

We could appreciate the spider's ability to control insect population, instead of feeling the need to kill them because we fear how the spider could negatively affect us, maybe we could see past ourselves and live for the world. 

I realize it seems like a stretch to start this blog entry talking about my amazing niece and ending with spiders but what I am trying to say in a nutshell is this:

There are generations of people that are going to come after this, the damage we do now with our anthropocentric ideologies are going to negatively effect our future kin. There are things bigger than ourselves that we must living for. 

I was lucky enough to have Ella show me that and I hope everyone at sometime can have that awakening moment and realize how important cultivating a relationship to the world and the people in it is.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, no one thinks of changing themselves. - Leo Tolstoy 

Waste

I wrote an ethical construction last term on the idea of waste. I spoke about actual waste and figurative waste.

We live in society where waste is normal. We waste anything that no longer has use to us.

This idea blossomed in my mind after reading Wendell Barry's book, "The Unsettling of American Culture and Agriculture". Barry implies how humankind treats earth is symbolic to how we treat each other. (It is a really amazing book, I recommend everyone should read it)

I haven't really thought about the book or the paper I wrote after the class ended. Until today when I was on a run today. My friend asked me if he was a friend that pushed me to be a better person or if he was a person that dragged me back to my old ways.

At one point I would of have told him he was a friend that dragged me back to my old ways and cut him out of my life.

Except I cannot just cut people out of my life. I just cannot do it. People shape us, when I have a relationship with someone I cannot just dip out.

It goes to my idea of waste. Yes I have friends who are not always good influences on me but I cannot     coin them as waste. People shape us, the good and the bad.

In a weird way I think of people like a banana. The people that help me grow are like the inside of a banana, the yummy part that nourishes me. The peel is the people who seem like they can just be thrown away, but the peel of a banana can be used for so many things.

Banana peels can remove mosquito bites, polish shoes, whiten teeth, heal bruises, polish silver, heal acne and even feed roses!

So people, the people I think drag me back to my old ways, can be beneficial. I just have to think outside of the box and find the good in everything.

Jordan use to get mad at me when I hung out with certain people he didn't approve of, he said they could be a bad influence and my argument was if someone can be a bad influence, I can be the good influence.

This is where it lies, we can either throw out everything we deem bad, or we can be real and honest and work towards finding the good in everything. It takes a lot of work and it takes even more self-control.

I am learning that I have to be strong in myself and be true to me. I can have all types of people in my life as long as I know who I am and am not influenced by people.

As for my friend who I would have once deemed as a bad influence is someone I was harshly honest with. He is understanding of who I am and where I am coming from and it is the most healing experience to not be someone else and be accepted as me.

If we can find the beauty in all people, and in all things, we no longer have to have waste over flowing from our trash or our hearts. We will have community, connection, cultivation.

A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow. -William Shakespeare

Cultivation

I had a friend tell me today by day 31 I will have nothing to say in my blog anymore. I think that is exactly what is wrong with our society, we allow ourselves to plateau, to not push past what seems like a barrier.

Most days I sit down at my computer and have no idea what I will end up typing and that is the most therapeutic thing about this blog. This is not premeditated, there are not multiple rough drafts. It is just my honest thoughts, typed out. I don't sit here long  enough to think about if I want people to actually read what is going on inside my head. (Sorry folks, your stuck with my random ramblings!)

But in all honesty, this blog makes me feel vulnerable, it is a very healing experience to be completely yourself.

I find that is something I have been working on, cultivating relationships where I am completely myself. I have been blessed to have beautiful people placed in my life.

Since Jordan and I parted ways I have found myself reaching out to two different kinds of people. People who push  me to be a better person and people who drag me back to my old ways. I have always been drawn to people who drag me back to my old ways. It is easy, it is comfortable. I do not worry about being judged. I do not have to worry about being pushed.

But when the sun sets and I am alone at night I have to live with myself and my actions and lately that hasn't been a very good feeling.

I am beginning to recognize what it feels like to be actually happy, to go to bed at night smiling and wake up in the morning truly excited to see what the day holds.

I spoke yesterday about Brene Brown's book, The Gift of Imperfection. Last night I read about the difference of happiness and joy.

Happiness is a state of emotion, joy is a way of life.

When a person lives a life that is joyful, they hold gratitude towards life and the things in it. A person can live a life of joy and not always be happy.

I never made this discernment. I always thought my goal in life was to be happy and lately I have not been happy but I am joyful because I hold gratitude for the people in my life that have shaped me and have stood by me through thick and thin.

I am working on waking up every day and thinking about one thing I am grateful for and one thing I love about myself. It sounds silly typing it, but I cannot think of a better way to start the day.

I feel like most days start with "I didn't get enough sleep", or "I didn't get enough done yesterday, today is going to be long", etc.

There is a common theme in society of not having enough, we are always striving for more and to a point I believe that is healthy but I think we first need to start appreciating what we do have and who we have in our life.

If all we do is push forward, we miss what is standing right in front of us.

Sometimes you don't realize your own strength until you come face to face with your greatest weakness. -Susan Gale