This Is The Last

My first post on this blog was made January 2^nd, 2015.

It has been a little over two and half years since I started writing this blog.

When I started this blog I was in a dark place. I had recently gone through a break up, moved home and the exact day I started writing this blog I was hung over in bed dealing with the fact that my car had gotten broken in to the night before, my purse taken and my bank accounts emptied.

I pretty much felt like a failure at life.

So I started writing this blog to work through this darkness openly and honestly. I wanted to be vulnerable.

And I think I accomplished that.

This blog has captured some of my darkest times, I have divulged things about myself I never thought I would share and celebrated some of my bigger successes.

This blog holds my deepest gut wrenching feelings…and my elations when I started thinking I figured life out…a little.

It was my comrade, my mate in trying times, and the one I confided in. 

But I believe the time has come that I no longer need to turn to my blog to sort out life.

As many of you know I am recently engaged! I feel like the luckiest girl because I get to marry my best friend, my comrade, my mate and the one I confide in now.

I no longer feel the need to turn to this blog to work through life.

I now have fiancé to do that with.

So this is my last blog post and I wanted to say thank you. Thank you readers for standing by me and supporting me continuously through thick and thin.

The support and love I received through this blog got me through some of my most trying times.

I am truly thankful for being able to share my thoughts, feelings, emotions, life adventures and receive such strong feedback.

I am sure I am not done blogging. I have a feeling I will start a new one sometime down the road…(probably when I am done with Masters and not trying to juggle a million things at once)

But for now I am concentrating on the present and enjoying the joy and love life has offered me.

Cheers my dearest readers; I hope from following my journey for the past 2 ½ years you have learned that even when life seems impossible there will always be a bright side.

Never give up,

Always keep adventuring,

True happiness is made through trial and error.

Day 6: Happiness in Getting Dirty

I have worked in the schools for 4 years now. Most of that time has spent has been spent in Special Education.

With that being said, well you can guess, that it is a dirty job.

I don’t know how many times I have ended the work day with bodily fluids on me, whether that be spit, throw up, poop, or sometimes all 3 days if I am really lucky (that is sarcasm for those who don’t know me well enough)!

So yesterday I spent the better part of a day at restraint training, or the technical name is “Non-Violent Crisis Intervention Training”. They teach you how to work with kids that are in crisis and are being unsafe.

They teach you the steps to take to deescalate and hopefully not have to go hands on.

This is a process I know well and pride myself in thinking that I am pretty darn good at it. At the general education schools I have worked at before I am always the one asked to step in when a crisis is happening.

I pride myself in not going hands on if I don’t have to because it kind of eats my soul when I have to restrain a child.

But I digress.

At the training the presenter made an enlightening comment. 

The training packet talked about “professionalism” and he said there is nothing professional when you are working in education. (His disclaimer was professionalism was the pressed suit, hands off, everything looks good on paper approach).

He said when you are working in education everything is a little dirty. Whether that is coming home covered in bodily fluids or having to deescalate students when in crisis, it is dirty.

I have struggled with this dirtiness, not so much the bodily fluids a shower can fix that, but when working with students that are escalated and in crisis I find a part of me takes on that crisis. It is that dirty part I can’t brush off.

But when we were practicing restraints on each other yesterday and we were having to really get into each other’s personal space the trainer laughed and said “get on in there, it’s going to be dirty at times” (referring to arm pits).

That was the moment where I was able to finally understand the beauty in the dirtiness in the job.

This whole year has been a dirty. The students I have worked with have been extremely tough, the staff I have worked with have been even more difficult and it has gotten dirty and I struggled with that.

I subconsciously had this idea that yeah, education should be professional. We meet the criteria of a, b, and c and it is all-good.

NEWSFLASH ROSEMARY, nothing works that way.

People, kids and adult alike, are all unique and that makes work and life in general dirty.

I never realized how much I hated the dirty part of human interaction, I avoid conflict like the plague and when big emotions happen I run the other way. I am learning though that I have a strong moral compass to do what is in the best interest for kids and by staying the education field I know things will get dirty and I am learning to accept that.

So today (well yesterday) I am happy to embrace the dirtiness of life whether that is, bodily fluids or emotional distress.

Being human is dirty business.  Let’s celebrate and get dirty!

Happiness for 3 Days....The Trifecta!!!

 It was a busy last few days with Dwayne finally coming home, family in town, Father's Day and studying for my ORELA exam, so I didn't have time to write but that doesn't mean I didn't think about what made me happy and I even got to capture some of the moments that brought pure bliss to my heart.

So for Day 3, my pure bliss moment happened in the morning with these two fluff balls.

I adopted Luna (the black kitty) a few 2 years ago when I went through a low time. She knows me in and out. She knows when I am sad or sick and curls up on my chest. She knows when I am happy and just watches me from the couch. She is always there for me and trots after me when I am around. She is my constant reminder that I am never alone.

Then you have Howie, (the orange and white stud) that thinks he is a bunny and bounces around the house constantly. He never stops playing and loves to cuddle, almost to a fault. He is a new addition to the family and brings me constant laughter.

It is amazing how two animals can bring so much joy and love. So on Saturday, sweet Luna and Howie got into the whip cream and decided it was the most delicious thing ever. Watching cats eat whip cream is probably the funniest thing you will ever see. You should really try it if you have cat....Just saying. It is a good reminder to laugh at the little things, even if they eat all the delicious whip cream...



Yesterday,  Day 4 of my happiness count, was Father's Day. This is an easy happy moment because I am blessed with a father who has always been there for me and supported me through all my adventures in life and god knows I have been on some adventures, good and not so good. It was wonderful being able to see my dad and celebrate with him!

And finally there is today! Well if you know me at all you know my niece is my best friend and Dwayne comes in a close second. Today I got to see my niece with Dwayne in tow. We got to play all morning. My niece's desire to explore the world and her happy, care free ways teaches me every time I see her to explore life and stop being so damn serious. Getting to run, laugh and play in the sun truly is rejuvenating for the soul.

So when it is all said and done and wrapped up, my happiness for three days is family. Not just the family I have posted about! These past 3 days I have been able to see my family and Dwayne's family. I know am a lucky girl to have two families that I feel at home with and supported. I am learning to never take for granted the amazingness of family (cats included!!!!)

Day 2, Happiness in Relationships

Welp, I woke up to my book falling on the ground because I have become accustom to falling asleep while reading.

The loud crash jolted me awake at 5:30 I rolled over and remembered today is the day Dwayne comes home!

I am not normally someone who is all gushy about relationships. I am not a big fan of PDA, heck there are some days where I just need my own personal space and not to be touched at all. Some days I don’t even want to be around anyone!

But today my happiness blog is on relationships.

Not just my relationship with Dwayne, but all my relationships.

Over the past 10 months, really since I have been home from getting lost, I have struggled with depression, anxiety and working through trauma brain.  At one point I was pretty much convinced I was bi-polar because my mood shifts were so sever. There were days and weeks when I just felt dark but there were other times I felt like myself.

Now that I have been unemployed for 2 weeks and finally seeing the light again I realize how bad and hulled up I had been.

Relationships I normally cherished and coveted I let start to slip. Being safe in my home with no social pressure was much easier than facing the world.

But I am starting to crawl back out of my shell. I am running again with my beloved team and with close running friends again!

I am going back to my old stomping grounds and seeing my closest friends.  Last night I went back to one of my favorite bars, Barrio. The owner is a dear friend who always builds me up. As I went in I found myself shaking. I felt so bad for not having been in for so long. I was nervous.

He greeted me with his warmth and a hug. He took the time to sit down with me and get caught up. Then I got to see my old roommate, some old coworkers and other friends. I left last night feeling a little more like myself and litte less like a shell of a human being.

And I realized today that I am blessed with such incredibly strong relationships.

I have people in my life that are always reaching out for me.

I have people in my life that are patient with me.

I have people in my life that unconditionally love me.

So I dedicate today to all my amazing relationships that have kept me sane and stable when I couldn’t do it myself.

I thank and love you all, you know who you are.

30 Days of Happiness, Day 1

This past year has been tumultuous to say the least and I am finding that my life is kind of always tumultuous because I learn from doing. I do not learn from listening to the advice of other.

I learn from my constant mistake making.

I learn from my constant need to adventure, to push the boundary, to answer the “what if’s” by doing and learning.

The quote is “hind sight is 20/20”, well I can attest to that.

So here I am, June 15^th sitting in a coffee shop looking back on the past 10 months.

In the past 10 months I have had 3 jobs, which at first glance seems incredibly ridiculous to me. At times it makes me feel like I am flaky, unreliable, and have no grit to stick with anything.

But then I have to give myself the reminder that I learn by doing.

My first job was in the schools working with a very challenging group of students. I thought I could do it, but with my trauma I had not dealt with from being lost over the summer I sank instead of swam. I thought a change of pace would be good. I questioned if I even wanted to be a teacher and work in the schools so I explored my options. This led me to job number 2.

Job 2, an amazing job working with Portland Roasting Coffee. I found out a job could be fun and I didn’t have to come home every day stressed. However I learned that I need a consistent schedule and trying to complete my Masters to be a teacher while not working with kiddos was challenging. I missed my daily interactions with kids and watching them grow, so I went back to working with kids.

Job 3, back to work with the kiddos. However this time it wasn’t the student that tested my strength, it was the staff. 6 months I fought a battle. I worked with an unfit teacher and saw how truly broken the school system is. As my friend told me in class the other night “it is a battle scar”, I have to wash my hands of it, I am too low on the totem pole to make a difference, my voice did not matter.

As I walked away from that job I was crushed and honestly I am still waking up struggling to find a place to put that terrible experience. I am questioning my life direction.

But, my love and passion to make a difference in kids’ lives is still there.

I am still pushing to finish my Masters even though I have no desire to work in the schools right now and wonder if I ever will.

Having these questions and questioning my life direction weighs heavy on my heart. I wake up engulfed in darkness, a depression I struggle to shake.

And, excuse my language, but that is a load of shit.

I realized I needed to find a foundation in myself. 

I have becomes so engrained in doubting and questioning myself I have lost belief in myself. I have relied on others to tell me it is OK. I have been looking outward instead of inwards.

But through these 10 months I have learned a great deal and grown. I need to believe in myself and know I have done what is right for me.

To solidify that and to remind myself that life is good I am embarking on 30 days of happiness.

Every day, I will be blogging about something that I am happy for, because even though it is raining right now and it’s the middle of June, I have no job, or no idea what I want to do with my career, I have these three things:

1.     My health

2.     My loved ones

3.     A place to call home

I had a friend tell me those three things when I would have anxiety attacks and I would get so mad because I always thought he was discrediting my emotions but now I get it. I am blessed.

So today, my happiness for today is my homework.  Sounds silly, right?

Well the homework load for this semester has been ridiculous and my classmates and I have complained. Today though I had the realization, we are learning how to shape the minds of kids, we should have homework up the ying yang. We should know the skills and materials we are being taught back and forth because children’s’ well-being is in our hands and that is a beautiful and terrifying responsibility!

So hooray for homework!

And hooray for a life where I am allowed to make mistakes and question my life path…

Respect - No I am not just quoting the Aretha Franklin song

I haven’t written in 3 days due to various reasons of starting a new job, sickness and just plain not wanting to write. But no excuses (but I have to say considering I didn’t/couldn’t write for 4 months I think I am doing pretty good)

My ramble today is on respect, self-respect mostly.

Hunter S. Thompson is quoted saying:

 “We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

When I first stumbled upon this quote I despised it.  I hate the idea of being alone. I love being with people, being apart of a group, feeling togetherness, a community, or at least I like the idea of it. Through that ideation I have strived to be well liked, I have worked to understand cultural norms, to fit in with societal standards, to primp and perfect myself so everyone would like me or at least accept me.

And when I wasn’t accepted or liked I would build a wall, find something that was wrong with that person but at the same time berate myself.

I think, but I could be wrong, this happens to many people, this awful self-consciousness that can hinder even the best people.

Overtime through therapy, role models and unconditional love form my friends and family I have began to understand the idea of self-acceptance, self love and self respect.

My brain is very much hard-wired to hate on myself and criticize myself, especially in a new situation like starting my new job, I am constantly fretting if my coworkers like me or if I am doing a good enough job. When I have days when I am feeling low I lash out at my loved ones, just last night I was feeling awful and sick, like my body was betraying me and when Dwayne tried to be generous and kind I lashed out at him feeling inferior and not worth his loving words.

Except luckily I am now in a space where I can understand when I am being irrational, when my hardwired brain is acting out.

I know I am great at my job and I know I deserve to be loved.

(Warning, this part is a bit sappy)

So the other day I was talking with my mother and saying how lucky I felt to be dating such a great guy and how happy I was it was going so well.

She responded by saying she thinks I just found the right one.

Which I do agree with, but I do not think I could of accepted Dwayne’s endless love, compassion, kindness and patience with me if it wasn’t for learning how to love myself and respect myself.

My past dating life has been an onslaught of dating not the greatest guys, they were not bad people themselves, but I never dated guys that I meshed with. I was constantly choosing men I thought wouldn’t pick up on my inadequacies, which led me to dating men who really didn’t ultimately care about me.

Another quote I really love is by Lao Tzu and the quotes says,

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.”

Now I am not at the point where I am not comparing or competing, I am drawn to compare myself and want to be the best. It is a fault I will constantly work on, however, respecting myself and letting myself love and be loved is the an amazing accomplishment I never knew I could obtain.

But this love will never make the fact that we live life alone, just as in the quote Mister Thompson said.

So as I go through life I work towards self-respect because in the end I am the one who has to go bed with my thoughts and wake up every day to live the life I choose to live.

We chose the directions in which we steer our lives, we may not choose if it stormy or calm, but how we navigate what is dealt to us ultimately makes each day what it is.

Love yourself and every storm will seem a little quieter and every calm day will hold more tranquility.