Coping With Control

I was reunited with a friend tonight. We have known each other since we were knee high to a grasshopper. 

We spent the evening sipping cocktails (which were adorned with dinosaur figures) and chatting about life. It had been several years since we had actually spent this much time together. I always heard through the great vine how she was doing and stalked her Facebook on occasion. 

As we sat and talked about life I realized what a strong, amazing woman she has become. 

I also realized we were in the same spot in life, we are both trying to decide what are futures are going to look like. 

As I talked about the need to plan and control how I foresee my future she posed the question:

What is the point in planning?

Of course in my mind my first thought was "I must plan". It is what I do, it is one of my biggest characteristic flaws. I am a planner, I like to have control and know what the next step in life is. 

My therapist says it stems from two things:

1: my anxiety

2: my perception of myself 

I have wrote pervious blogs on trying to be the best and always pushing to be better. This idea is engrained me. 

I feel like if I read another book, learn a new concept, run another mile, work an extra hour I will somehow grow in my worth. That somehow, magically, the clouds will part and tell me I am enough. 

This has yet to happen which is why I am an anxious mess most of the time because I am constantly striving to be better. To plan everything out so I don't mess up. 

I believe if I do A+B+C it should equal D. 

WRONG

Life doesn't add up. I know this. I am constantly telling myself this and learning this but do I listen. No. I am one of the most stubborn people I know, I annoy myself most the time because I know I cannot be perfect but that doesn't stop me from trying. 

The questions I find myself asking is how do I become comfortable in my own skin? How do I come to understand my own self-worth? 

I find positive interactions with peers help. This blog has helped me immensely, especially from the positive support I have received. 

But what happens when there is no outside support? How do we learn to support ourselves?

Personally, I know planning and controlling every aspect of my life is not doing me any good. If anything it estranges my from people and brings me more stress, but I am still learning new ways to cope. For now resting in the belief that their is a greater plan in place for me which I am learning to accept.

Because last time I checked I cannot control what the big man upstairs has in store for me so I should probably just let go and trust.

But as always, that is easier said then done.  

This blog entry doesn't have any answers or words of wisdoms. This is just an entry to be raw and honest with the things I struggle with daily. In hopes that people who read this that have similar struggles know they are not alone.  

And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them. -Isaiah 42:16