The True Size of The Universe

I ran Hood to Coast this weekend. I wasn’t planning on running Hood to Coast, I had important plans on Friday night and had actually turned Hood to Coast teams down because I couldn’t cancel my plans. However my teammate from TNT called me on Friday night at 10:30pm telling me one of the runners on his Hood to Coast team got injured and they needed someone to fill in. (I am not always one to fully think things through, so I jumped at the chance to run) Once I finished my Friday obligations, I rushed home, packed a bag and met Kevin and my now Hood to Coast team at 1am. I was the first one running in the van and started running at 3am.

I was hyped up on adrenaline and took off racing. My team had an incredible ability to run freakishly fast so I felt the pressure to also run freakishly fast. I cannot remember the last time I pushed my legs so hard but I did and started passing runners and pretty soon I was alone, on a back road running at 3am. That’s when it hit me.

My mind started racing, “Shit, I am alone, am I lost? What if I am lost? What happens if I am all alone?” Even though vans passed me intermittently and I passed runners, I couldn’t calm my fear of becoming lost. This is the moment I came to accept, being lost in the desert wasn’t something that I could just overcome with time; that I am potentially permanently changed from the experience.

Fast forward to Sunday (the rest of Hood to Coast was amazing and my team kicked some serious ass) and I was listening to a the Ted Radio Hour podcast and on it was John Hodgman and he said this quote “You don’t understand the true size of the world until someone you care about is out there in it and you don’t know where. That is when the universe really feels big… and when they come back it feels good.”

And I heard that and I lost it. Completely lost it. Sit on the floor, crying, lost it. That moment, in the desert, I truly understood the size of the world. No one knew I was out there, no one knows and will never know what it was like to be out there lost. I am back to work, school started, running, seemingly thriving in my life and yet there are these moments of complete utter disconnect.

I have prided myself on being very independent, on being able to go out and do anything on my own. Yet now I have this chip on me, I have this fear of being lost. I am scared to go back out on my own and adventure and yet I have aligned my personality on being able to being solely independent.

So now what?

I feel stuck. I have this fear of being alone and lost and yet I have this feeling of lack of connection with anyone I am come in contact with, like I am floating on a different planet.

When I slow down I feel hollow.

I still feel lost in the universe and I want to come back and I want it to feel good, just as John Hodgman describes it.   

And as painful as it is to work through these emotions, I know in the end, there will be something beautiful that comes from it. Thich Nhat Hanh has this quote “Without fear, we are able to see more clearly our connections to others. Without fear, we have more room for understanding and compassion. Without fear, we are truly free".

I am working to move past my fear and connect with the world the surrounds me, maybe running off into the wilderness doesn’t always need to be my escape. Maybe, just maybe, being surrounded by others can heal me and teach me to grow in ways different than the wilderness.  

It is all in the glorious journey.

Roadtrip Bonanza: Part 1, Starting With The End: Search and Rescue

I am not actually sure if I am ready to talk/write about my experience on my road trip, especially how it ended, but I feel the first step in the healing process is to scrutinize my experience through writing, so here we go.

I wrote a blog before I left about how I was nervous for my trip for a reason I couldn't put my finger on. It was almost like I had a premonition that this trip held something big for me, however, I did not know this trip would hold for me what I consider, my first encounter with the idea of dying. 

I had five days left in my trip when I left Bryce Canyon to stop in Capitol Reef and then head to Canyonlands and Arches National Park.

I didn’t stay in Capitol Reef; I just drove through and stopped a few places to hike. It isn’t a very well known national park but I am still glad I took the time to explore its nooks and crannies. It was a long day after driving 5 hours and hiking 15 miles so once I got to Canyonlands I just found a campsite and called it a night. By this point in my trip I was exhausted and losing motivation to keep exploring.

However when I woke up the next morning the sun had not yet risen and I decided the best way to start my last few days on my exploration was a sunrise hike. I do sunrise hikes at home and they feed my soul, so I thought what could be better then a sunrise hike in a national park! Many of the hikes in Canyonlands have warnings not to hike alone and only for experienced hikers. I wisely chose not to partake in any of those hikes! I chose a 10-mile hike with a quick decline start of 1600 feet into a canyon that followed riverbeds to the famous Zeus and Moses rock formations.

Wishing Stones

When I started the hike I felt trepidations because the 1600 foot decline had no trail due to rock slides but the trail that once had been there was marked by stacked stones or as my friend Ari told me were called wishing stones. I stopped about half way down to see if the trail became any easier to navigate once I arrived down into the canyon. I could make out light traces of a trail so I kept going assuming following the trail would become simpler.

Zeus and Moses 

As I proceeded down the rocks I kept thinking “should I turn around?” and then I debated if this was my common sense talking or just fear. I chalked it up to just fear and kept marching along. (For those who know me I can be very head strong once I get my mind set on an idea.) I made it down into the canyon and the trail was a little easier to follow, but the wishing stones still marked the way. For the next 4 miles I hiked in utter silence. I was just the desert and me. It was a surreal feeling. I stopped to eat a snack and just stared out and relished how alone I felt and free. It was like no other experience I have ever had.  I kept hiking and finally saw the famous rock formations I was hunting for. After being in the desert with the same landscape surrounding you it is pretty exciting to see huge rock formations! I quickly hiked through the brush to go explore these huge rock formations. I climbed and scampered around and just loved being out there exploring! After a while I made the decision to start heading back before it got too hot out. I had packed 2.5 liters of water, an apple, carrots, and a Cliff bar so I felt I could stay out a while but knew I couldn’t handle mid-afternoon desert heat.

As I started back I went on the one river route I saw that went in the similar direction I came from. I started hiking and after about a mile I realized I didn’t recognize a lot of the scenery. There were more boulders, plants and standing water. I was thinking quiet a bit while I hiked in to the rock formations so I figured I was just oblivious to my surroundings as I hiked in. After 2 miles I started worrying, but I saw tracks that kind of resembled footprints and reassured myself I was going the right way.  At 3 miles I still couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong. I am not a religious person but I asked God for a sign if I was going the right or wrong way, I started talking to the universe for guidance. By mile 4 I came into a boulder field, which I knew I would of remembered. I sat down and tried to think logically of what I should do. I first checked my food and water supplies. I had eaten my apple and carrots but I still had my Cliff bar, I had about 20 mL left of my water. I figured I could hike back to the rock formations and look for my tracks and wishing stones.  By the time I was hiking back the sun was already high in the sky and I was feeling tired but determined and hopeful. I hiked back the four miles I had came and kept reassuring myself I was fine. I kept imagining being back at my car drinking deeply from my water bottles and celebrating.

Once back at the rock formations I searched for my footprints, after about an hour I found one. I rejoiced and allowed myself to eat half my Cliff bar and drink a little water. I knew I only had 5 miles back to the trailhead. I knew I could do it. Trying to follow my path was tough but I did it for about a mile, the going was slow but I was making my way. I had followed the riverbed most of the way in to the rock formations so when I couldn’t find a footprint I trusted my gut. I made it quiet a ways, about 3 miles of following my footprints and wishing stones until I came to another large boulder that blocked my path. I searched and searched to find another footprint or wishing stone to follow but couldn’t find one. By this time the sun was high and the heat was at its peak. I had been out since 5am and it was already 3pm.  I sat down to let my legs rest and finished my Cliff bar and drank a little more water. I told myself with the little strength I had left I could make it out of the canyon. I was actually surprised at my own self-talk at how uplifting and positive it was. For the next hour I kept searching and found my way out of the riverbed and into the rocks. The sun was blazing and my water eventually ran out.  I started thinking about my family and my nieces. I started really getting worried. By 4pm I started getting dizzy and seeing purple spots. I told myself if I didn’t find my way by 5pm I would call for help. I kept searching and walking but my body was giving up, I kept having to sit down after losing my balance. Around 5 I thought I had found the area I had come from and gained a little hope I started trekking to where I thought the trail might be. I kept seeing wishing stones and hiking towards them but when I got to where I thought the wishing stones were, they weren’t actually there. I finally sat down and tried licking out my water bottles and sucking my apple core because I was so thirsty. This just started a reaction of forceful dry heaving. I curled up around a rock that was in semi-shade and cried. I felt defeated.

I finally accepted I had to call for help. My dad got me a tracker earlier this summer, which I told him I didn’t need. As I pushed the SOS button on my tracker my heart burst with love for my family who always watches out for me and knows what I need better then I do.

It took about an hour before I heard the helicopter. I stayed curled around that rock. My whole body hurt, it felt like my stomach was stabbing itself and I couldn’t stop dry heaving. I tried to figure out what I would do if I had to be here overnight. I looked out over the desert to find a safe place to put myself. As soon as I heard the helicopter I peeled myself off the rock and stood up and started waving my arms wildly, like you see in the movies. The helicopter flew around for about 20 minutes; it kept leaving and coming back. I jumped and flapped my arms like a wild woman and screamed. It finally landed near me and I grabbed my bag and stumbled towards the helicopter. The paramedics came out to me and grabbed me. All I could do was shake and cry. They were the most wonderful people I have ever met. The stabilized me in the canyon and then flew me out around 7pm.  The rest of the evening is a blur of talking to police, rangers, and paramedics. Once I was finally released from their care I stayed in Moab but couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to be home. I ended up curling up in the back of my car and sleeping, it felt the safest.

I am now home. The first two days back were filled with tumultuous emotions that ranged from heart warming feelings of happiness that I was home with my family and yet this awful feeling of questioning life and sever sadness. I was sick to my stomach and on any given moment I would burst into tears. Slowly my physical and emotional health is getting better but I still sit here and struggle.

I will blog later on the trip and the process of recovery but for now this is where I am at. All I can say is I am thankful for all the love and support I have been shown since being home. I am truly blessed.

Road Trips and Trails

I am going on a road trip!

I love my job because it gives me the flexibility to travel! I wasn't sure how this summer was going to end up because I couldn't decide what to do or where to go. On top of that I decided to work the Extend School Year (ESY) where I am working with intensive skills students which lasts 4 weeks out of the summer.

So instead of leaving the states this summer and traveling to an exotic region I decided to take a road trip.

My last day of ESY is on Wednesday and I am leaving for my road trip immediately after work.

So where is this road trip taking me?

Let me tell you!

First stop is at Lake Selma in Josephine, Oregon, then off to drive Highway 101 down through the Redwoods. From the Redwoods I am taking Highway 1 to Big Sur (to enjoy the beauty of Big Sur, since last time I was there it was kind of difficult to enjoy the scenery while running a marathon). From Big Sur I am skirting over to Yosemite to revel in all it's splendor I have heard about. From there I am traveling through Nevada through the Great Basin and stopping and the Great Basin National Park. Up next from the Great Basin is Utah and Utah's 5 astounding national parks; Zion, Bryce Canyon, Capitol Reef, Canyon Lands and Arches. After I have explored through those national parks I am going to start my excursion back home and am planning on stopping at Hell's Canyon then home!

I will be driving over 3000 miles and will be gone 20 days!

I have a few friends who want to meet me in different places for a few days but overall this will be a solo adventure.

And yet I look back on my trip to Costa Rica and thought that would also be a solo adventure and yet I met people who I still consider family. I may have traveled alone but I was never alone.

So as I get ready for this trip I am trying to tame my anxiety and sub-conscious nervousness.

I woke up today and just felt off, like my mind and body just were not connecting correctly. I wanted to hermit and shove everything and everyone out of my life (which I have now learned that I only react this way when I am stressed/anxious/nervous/fearful)

I rationally know I have NOTHING to be stressed about. It is suppose to be a fun, carefree, adventurous trip...

So why did I wake up today wanting to hermit?

And I cannot actually answer that question.

My nervousness when I left for Costa Rica made sense to me because I had never traveled out the country by myself, let alone a country where I didn't fluently speak the language.

But nervousness for this trip? I have spent lots of time backpacking, camping and hiking by myself. This is just an extended version of what I normally do on my weekends.

But when I really drill down on why I am nervous and want to hermit I believe it is because I fear what I will learn, which I get sounds completely ridiculous.

When I went to Costa Rica it was to prove to myself I was OK by myself, that I could live the life I wanted without anyone by my side. In Costa Rica I faced demons that I never expected and found answers I didn't know I was looking for.

And knowing that I am leaving for another solo adventure scares me. I didn't plan this trip to find myself or prove anything to myself and that is the scariest thing because for once I feel like I am finally starting to figure out myself and what makes me tick.

I am terrified of what I may find out about myself...

I relate it back to hiking. It is like when one trail diverges into two and you have to decide which one to take. You don't know what either trails holds or which one is the "right" trail.

Right now, at this exact moment, I am on one trail and am pretty content and yet I know this trip has the ability to make my one trail diverge and I will be forced to look deeply into myself and make decisions.

Ultimately I know this is not a negative thing, it is the most positive thing I can do for myself, to push myself past my comfort zones and boundaries and really live life without my self prescribed limits, but that sure doesn't take the fear out of it.

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S. Eliot  

Be a Mountain

Mountains. 

They seem to be a theme in my life, not to mention I love mountains. 

People ask the question: "Are you a mountain or  an ocean person?" I love the ocean, however it does not give me the same sense of aliveness as being in the mountains. 

I have never put much thought into it though. I just knew being in the mountains gave me a sense of happiness I didn't normally feel. 

At first I thought it was just being away from society, running away in a sense (my favorite tactic when life seems to be to much).

Then I started recognizing that when I am out in the mountains I am my truest self. Everything is on the surface. From my physical appearance of not wearing make-up, hair pulled up and dirty to my physiological ability of how many miles can I hike or run in the woods until my body tells me no more to my mental capacity of what am I seeing and taking in, how am I processing life without being stimulated by everyday commonalities like my phone, computer, even my friends/family to distract me to my emotional state of how I am truly feeling in my rawest form. 

I hiked Dog Mountain the other day with a friend. I was my purest, happiest self. (I felt kind of bad for him, 7am and you get my chipper loud self singing during the drive all the way up to the hike). After the hike we got lunch in Hood River and wandered around and I explained to him my feeling of complete contentment. 

I am learning the more time I spend in nature, in the mountains, the happier I am. 

This brings me to why I am even talking about mountains. 

About a week ago I had an "almost" anxiety attack. There was/is a lot going on. People I love dearly are going through hard times, I allowed a new person into my life (which is always anxiety producing to me) and I started work again working with non-verbal youth which I have never done before. 

I was over-stimulated. I could feel my energy, it wasn't positive. I knew I had two options: to keep going and ignore my negative energy I could feel coursing through my body or I could stop and use some skills I have been practicing. 

I have been practicing reading my energy levels, sitting and gaging on a scale of 1-10 how cuckoo bananas I feel. At that certain moment I was gaging myself to be about an 8 on the cuckoo bananas scale (once I get to a 9 or 10 I take my anxiety meds, nobody needs a hyperventilating Rosemary) so I stopped what I was doing and went into my "don't go bananas routine" which, depending on the time of day it is, I go for a run or I take a bath and then meditate (which is becoming my nighttime ritual, it really helps with insomnia!) 

I took a bath for 20 minutes, I lite incenses, used lavender bath salts, turned on meditation music and turned off the lights and set a timer. This sounds super relaxing but it is kind of like my personal hell when I am amped up. I made myself lay in the bath and breath and try not to overthink. After my timer went off I got out of the bath and went to my room and chose a meditation. 

The particular meditation I chose was called "Mountain Meditation". I hadn't done it before but decided to try it out. It was a 20 minute meditation and it first had me envision my favorite mountain (Mt. Hood). It asked questions about the mountain such as what it's physical appearance looked like. The meditation then went in to talking about the seasons the mountain goes through and how there are good and bad days to be on the mountain. After really studying the mountain the meditation asked me to bring the mountain inside myself and to be one with the mountain. It explained that I can be grounded like the mountain and be OK no matter how the seasons change or the storms that shake the mountain. 

(You can access the meditation here: http://palousemindfulness.com/meditations/mountain.html ) 

So I have now been doing the meditation for about 2 week and it is bringing to light why I love the mountains, it is as though subconsciously I knew my time in the mountains gave me the strength and groundedness to proceed with my every day life. 

The mountain is my constant reminder that I can be strong and grounded. I can make it through any season and any storm. 

And I need that in my life. It is so easy to feel so small in our large world, just as it is easy to forget about mountains when they are not in plain sight, but mountains never lose their magnificence and neither will I. 

We all need to appreciate our own beauty and magnificence, even through the hardest times, because like a mountain, we all have the strength to make it through any storm and the beauty that comes after a storm will outshine the darkness.  

Climb the mountains to see the lowlands. -Chinese Proverb 

Who Are You Going With?

I recently went on a backpacking trip around Waldo Lake.

When my friends and family heard of my adventures, that first question that came up was:

"Who are you going with?"

When they heard my response:

"Myself"

I got a slew of responses ranging from:

"Is that safe?", "Good for you!", "Well...that is strange."

And I get those responses to a point. I am a relatively petite 26 year old woman who was traipsing through the wilderness by myself.

But lets take 10 steps back before we jump to the conclusion that this a bad idea and I am going to get lost, abducted, or a bear would eat me.

First on getting lost! ITS WALDO LAKE, ITS A CIRCLE, or essentially a circle. If I managed to get lost during this trip I am an idiot, seriously. On top of that my father had me get a tracking device and I checked in with him everyday. So getting lost was not a concern.

Second, getting abducted. Let me first ask the question when was the last time you met a hiker that was creepy? Everyone I have  ever met on the trail is just like me, out to get some fresh air and away from society. Maybe it is a naive thought, but I don't think abductees are going to hike their asses into the wilderness in hopes of finding one random person to abduct. Also, I hike with pepper spray and a knife, so worst comes to worst I use my defense skills.

Third, a bear eating me....or any other animal attacking me. Well this may be the most likely option and well the way I see it, no matter what we do in life there are risks and I am pretty sure the risk of an animal attacking me is very slim, especially in the places I am backpacking. I am not going on any crazy, rough, adventures at least not until I am more experienced at traveling on my own.

So really what I am asking is why does everyone ask "who am I going with?"

And I had to think on that for a while and I realized for a long time I asked myself the same question. I always wanted to go backpacking but I always wondered "with who?" Then it dawned on me, I do not need anyone.

I can do this on my own.

Strangely enough admitting that was hard, accepting that I do not need anyone to go with me on this backpacking excursion was scary and lonely.

Being alone is scary and overwhelming and yet freeing.

And as I laid in my tent and thought about this new adventure I had taken on my own, I connected it back to life.

I have asked myself many times in my day to day life, "who am I going with?"

I didn't come up with an answer, I thought a lot about the people in my life who have helped me on my journey and the people no longer in my life that have shaped me to be where I am.

But now as I look back on my excursion I have to laugh because it tells the story of my life.

When I got out to Waldo Lake it was already evening time so I decide to just hike a few miles in a find a good campsite and that is exactly what I did. However as soon as I stopped hiking the mosquitos swarmed and tried to eat me alive so it made camping a little more difficult.

Kind like in life, even when you want to stop and take a breath the world around you never stops.

But like in camping, or at least this beautiful campsite, you have to accept the beauty with the ugly.

The next day I woke up and planned on hiking 12-15 miles (the total hike was around 25 miles) and then stopping for the night and enjoying another night under the stars. Yet again however, my plan was foiled. I feel silly admitting this but the damn mosquitoes changed my ENTIRE plan. The first 10 miles were OK. There were mosquitoes and they almost ate my alive, but with a large amount of bug spray and never stopping to take a breath I made it through.

By mile 12 I needed a snack, I needed to change my socks and the view was too gorgeous to ignore, so I sat down and let the damn mosquitos bite me.

But I mean really look at these views...even as the mosquitos ate me I appreciated the beauty that nature offered.


After my rest at mile 12, the trail moved away from the water and more into the wilderness. By trail I mean climbing over fallen trees, doing kung fu with the mosquitoes that some how got worse and trying to keep my wit about me.

My plan to stop at mile 15 didn't happen. I could not stand the idea of trying to set up camp with the mosquitoes, but by this time my body was tired. I had never hiked this far by myself with my too heavy of a backpack. I honestly was kind of losing my mind but I kept trudging on.

By mile 20 I saw a sign that said 5 more miles until North Waldo (where I left my car) and made a resolve that I wold make it to my car and if by some miracle I found the perfect campsite that was not infested with mosquitos I would stop and camp.

I never found that campsite and hauled myself the next five miles. I wasn't exactly sane though, at one point I may have yelled at the mosquitos to leave me alone, mostly because I wanted another snack and to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to stop and let me mosquitoes eat me again.

I found the 1 mile sign and danced a jig! When I came out of the woods on to the campground for North Waldo I scared a man, he jumped and asked where I had come from. I probably looked insane, covered in mosquito bites, one eye partially swollen shut from being bite, a pant leg torn from catching it on a log and some blood that went along with the torn pants...

But I made it through the hike. I hiked 25 miles straight through, I took one snack break, didn't go to the bathroom and only lost my cool briefly.

I did it and I realized as I drove 4 hours home, I am one tough cookie and I can teach others that we can do it on our own.

I believe we live in a time where there is societal pressure to be with people or have a significant other. At least I have always felt that way and struggled meshing my introverted side with my extroverted side, but I am coming to accept it is OK to be alone and take on life's adventures by yourself.

For me at least, that is how I am learning and embracing my life. There will always be mosquitoes in life, (and I asked myself many times, why do mosquitoes even exist) and I think it is because they test  us and shows us our worth in a very backwards way.

Just like every trail and tribulation in life can prove to us our strength and worth if we chose to find the positives in them.

Finding Joy in Giving Up

I have really strong hands.

It is something I have always taken pride in, I can open almost any jar! Like seriously, beast hands. Or if something is trying to squirm out of my grasp I can cling on pretty tightly.

I mean this physically but I also mean this psychologically. Once my brain latches on to a thought it doesn't let it go.

As I talked about in my last blog, I am working through the book "Recovering Joy' by Kevin Griffin. I am now reworking Chapter 2. It is the perfect chapter for me because it describes me perfectly, it feels like it written about me actually (which in a way is soothing because that means there is someone out there that functions or struggles to function just like I do)!

In the first section of Chapter 2 (which is the only section I am concentrating on in this blog) it uses the word:

Renunciation:

"the act or instance of relinquishing, a repudiating, or sacrificing something, as a right, title, person or ambition".

This word normally has a negative connotation in the english language. We are society that is constantly striving to obtain more, not less. 

I will admit this is something I struggle with more than most things. I constantly am wanting more. I am grasping for everything to be in my life, people, things and substances. I feel like if I completely saturate my life then somehow I will find that sweet spot everyone is looking for in life.

But as I started reading about renunciation I started realizing, that the complete saturation I was striving for wasn't lifting me up, it was doing the opposite, it was making me drowned. 

I was living with this angry pit in my stomach and constant nervous energy buzzing through my body because I was constantly afraid I would loosen my grasp and lose something I was clinging to. 

And I eventually I always did end up losing things, because everything in life is impermanent but that loss was crippling. It would bring up every emotion I covered up with my constant clinging to pointless relationships, things and substances. 

But it took me a long time to realize this and what helped lead me to this realization is this:

"Happiness doesn't come from the things we have, but from the abandoning of the things we cling to, the things that hold us down and capture our minds". 

Anya Khema, a famous Buddhist quoted this in her book "Being Nobody, Going Nowhere". "We experience great relief, the deep peace and pleasure that non-doing brings". She also talks about being a nobody. 

These are not things that are socially acceptable in society today, we are pushed to have a title, to have a thousand hobbies, to always be going. 

But for me, I can't keep going. If I keep going at the rate I was going, I would completely saturate myself until I sunk. 

Releasing my grasp on the need to have it all and being OK with being just me, and living for me is actually what is giving me the peace I need to start living harmoniously in the world and putting love out into the world without having my own self-interests driving it. 

I am coming to terms with putting myself out there and embracing everyday because I am realizing everything is impermanent and living a life that is constantly based on what is next and how long will it last does not feed the soul. 

I am finally loosening my grip and giving my hands a rest from tightly grasping at the impermanent. 

Let Go - Let It Be

Happiness.

What is it?

How do you define it?

What does happiness look like to each unique person?

I received a book called "Recovering Joy" by Kevin Griffin a few months back. It is a book about living a mindful life after addiction, I highly recommend it even if you are not a recovering addict. 

I have read this book on and off for the past few months but it always overwhelmed me. However, this past Spring Break I ventured off to Crater Lake for the week. It was a week of solitude and gave me the retreat I needed from everyday life to start actually diving deep into this book. 

(A little back story as to how life has been since my last blog. The work life is fine, so is the social life and I was in training mode for all my upcoming marathons, but low and behold my luck I tore my LCL and Meniscus on a 15 mile training run so I am out of running for an unknown period of time, this led me to realize I needed a more solid, reliable practice to work through my life dilemmas without having to run thus I really started looking more into meditation, mindfulness and Buddhism.)

Back to where I was, the first chapter in the book is called "Not Unhappy". It speaks to what happiness can be or is for people and how to cultivate a healthy, stable idea of happiness. (The entire book is chalk full of these hard concepts which I will elaborate on later in upcoming blogs) 

The book also has reflection questions in each chapter asking the reader questions to really make you think. One of the reflections is "What Is My Happiness". When I first read this all I could think was "I have no freaking clue" which really isn't the healthiest response. I knew I was happy, but I couldn't pin point why. There was no cookie cutter answer for me. My mind constantly reeled on this reflection and I am still trying to figure it out.

(A tid bit about the author, Kevin Griffin, he was an addict himself and worked the 12 steps but he also started studying Buddhism and he cofounded "The Buddhist Recovery Group") 

The more I thought about what happiness looks like for me the more I realized that I had still had inner turmoil mulling around inside me from the past few years and I had a light bulb moment and looked up to see if Portland had any Buddhist Recovery Group meetings I could attend. Sure enough Portland does and just last week I went to 2 meetings. 

The meetings are held at The Alano Club, it is essentially where all self-help meetings are held, ironically just five years ago I went there for Narcotics Anonymous classes. My first class there was on Easter, and I honestly cannot tell you much about it. I was overwhelmed, part of me was shocked and sad I was back in the same place I was five years ago. (No I am not in the same place in life and I am not ruining my life with substances anymore, but somehow I felt like I failed myself) The other part of me felt safe to be there. As people talked I could understand what they were saying, it was as though they were speaking my story, my emotions, it was like they already knew my life. There was a comfort in knowing I wasn't alone in my struggles but after the meeting I spent a good 20 minutes crying and trying to compose myself. It's not easy sitting for 90 minutes and working through some of your toughest issues. It is not something you can just walk out of and go on with life. 

However my second meeting I remember more. It was meditation based. In the class we were given a quote and we meditated on this quote for 30 minutes. The quote was "To be happy, let go of unhappiness". It was truly ironic, since the whole reason I was in these classes was because this darn book asked me to define my own happiness and it got me questioning my whole being. 

The two things that played over and over in my head as I meditated were "let go" and "let it be". I have all these memories of the past that I hold on to. As though these stories define me, and trust me they aren't the happy go lucky stories. It is my stories of hardship and struggle, and along with these stories I have fear. I am constantly terrified of failure, of feeling the pain that I have felt in the past and because of that I realize it has paralyzed me from moving forward. I am stuck in this cycle of behaviors and actions that I accustomed to. The idea of breaking this cycle seems impossible and yet I know I have to break it because happiness, however I end up defining it, is not defined by my past hardships and fear. 

Buddhism teaches the idea of impermanence, that nothing last forever. When I first started reading about impermanence I thought it was depressing. The idea of nothing lasting forever seemed sad to me, and in a way it is because there are some things in life that are so wonderful it is inconceivable to think of them not being there. But the way I had it explained to me is everything is impermanent so cherish every moment for what it is, do not become so attached to something or someone that it causes debilitating depression if you lose it. 

In my mind I think in some ways this is impossible to do, such as love-filled relationships, if I were to lose anyone in my family I would suffer deeply and I think that is only healthy, but in terms of the smaller, day to day things I am accepting to impermanence and I try to use it to help me move past my paralyzing fear. I am working on cherishing the day to day moments, even the tough moments, because those moments will not last forever. 

Nothing last forever. 

Cherish the moments the fill you with love and gratitude, learn from the moments that cause suffering, and let yourself live in the present. 

I do not believe that is the core essence of my happiness, but I believe letting go and letting be will start to allow to define how I understand what happiness is to me. 

Squeezing Lemons

I just got home and am feeling extraordinary (which I never understood that word, extra and ordinary put together, I am far from!) proud of myself! 

I stood up for myself! 

I never stand up for myself which has become apparent these last few months. These last few months I have felt walked all over by my job, by people in my life, and mostly just by life in and of itself. 

It is amazing what you can do when you decide to give life the middle finger and grow a back bone. 

My sister has always been a spectacular role model for having a back bone. She knows what she wants in life and fights for it. Many times in my life when I have not had the backbone to fight for myself or make the right choices she has been there to do it for me. 

When Jordan and I broke up she told me no more. That I could not go back to him and for some reason her saying that gave me the strength to stick to my decision to end things, to not be a fucking floor mat. 

Excuse me you cannot put your dirty shoes on me, you cannot stomp out all your shit on me and walk away. Not cool people! I am not a floor mat!!!!

So as of Thursday I had a big meeting with my bosses and I told them NO MORE!!! No more terrible job, no more terrible work environment, no more terrible stress, that I was done! Over it! No more!!!!! 

And you know what they said "but we want to keep you in the school district." 

BAM! 

It was quiet a compliment and now my boss is letting me try out different positions in the school district to see if I can find a good fit but he he said he wished me well if I found another job out of the schools. 

Like could I have a more supportive boss? This was my first step to no longer being a floor mat and it worked. 

I needed that reassurance. That I can stand up for myself and people will see my worth because damn it I am worth a lot and I may sound conceded saying that but I think people need to start embracing their worth a little bit more. 

So I finished off the week and spent a glorious weekend with friends I love! I saw Jordan (yes the ex) and he apologized for how things ended and we hashed out a lot of things we never talked about. We called it murdering the elephant in the room. Sorry mister elephant, but it gave me a sense of worth I never knew I could get back after what happen between us. 

And Not to mention going on fun adventures of snow shoeing and climbing to the top of the Broadway Bridge. 

(I am ignoring the part where two cop cars showed up and three cops and got real mad at me for climbing the bridge, whoops, my bad...it didn't have a No Trespassing Sign.) 

So finally today rolls around. I have been seeing this guy off and on since April. He is an amazing guy, we have known each other since high school. Some how we are totally the same but totally different. It has been a bit of a roller coaster of a relationship but honestly I put a lot of my heart and soul into it and really cared deeply for him. I do that, once I start seeing someone for long enough I start to care, apparently thats weird to some people. But as the relationship went on it got more tumultuous. Heres the embarrassing part, he told me not once but twice he could never love me and yet I stay with him, I still supported him, was there for him and tried to make it work. 

I tried so hard to be the perfect girl.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! 

Seriously, after everything I have been through with being treated kind of shitty I was still allowing this.  

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put up with shit and be floor mats so once in a rare while he might show he cares. 

So as work got tougher, and I started realizing I need to care for myself and needed support I started to realize I was receiving none and I started to get drained. 

And then I hit my tipping point. 

Its kind of like when you have to use fresh lemon zest and lemon juice for a recipe. 

So you get the grater out and grate the damn lemon which is tedious as all get out. Then you have to cut the lemon open and dig out the seeds so they don't contaminate the lemon juice. Then you start to squeeze. By this time in the process I am normally thoroughly annoyed with the lemon.And finally it happens the damn lemon squirts you in the eye and you lose your shit and freak on lemon,

Thats what I did, I freaked. 

But the freak out is over, the lemon has been squeezed. 

And you know what fresh lemon juice is delicious when you bake it into a delicious recipe and I like to this all this craziness will only make my life more delicious in the long run! 

So as much as I like to avoid lemons, the tough things in life, I am realizing it is worth it if you can use it to better yourself and learn more about yourself. 

Before all of this I may have questioned my self-worth...

But I am starting to realizing just how worthy I am, especially of my own love because ironically that is a thing we hold back from ourselves. At least I know I have had a hard time loving myself so it feels pretty damn good to go to bed at night and tell myself "I love you".

I  think everyone should make it a practice. 

Be Here, Now.

I haven't written in a long time...

like a seriously long time.

And I apologize for that.

It recently occurred to me, I loath my job.

And it put me in serious life slump.

Like serious, at one point I ended up at Urgent Care with an uncontrollable anxiety attack, which sounds like an oxymoron because who can actually control their anxiety attacks, but it was an attack I could not get under control for over a good two hours until I got a shot in my butt to calm me down.

Shit show.

And I blamed it on going off anti-anxiety medication and anti-depression medication, which may have played a huge role!

But I realized something after I came break for holiday break... (working for the schools I get about 2 1/2 weeks off for Christmas).

MY JOB EATS MY SOUL.

Every day I was going into work feeling like sobbing, I had no energy when I got off work for the things I enjoyed and I had no love to give for the people I cared most about. (I realize this sounds exactly like a depression awareness commercial, but honestly depression awareness commercials are right to the point on this!)

So the other day I pumped myself up, like I do every day to go to work. The first hour with my student goes amazing! I am like on my high horse thinking I am finally figuring my student out, then all hell breaks lose.

Let me tell you the acorn version.

My student freaks out because he cannot take his energy break. He runs out of the schools and off school property about four blocks away. I restrain him and carry him back to school (mind you this student is about the same size as me). By the time we reach the school I am exhausted and he is more upset then he was to begin with. So I am able to get on school property but cannot let him into the building because he is being violent and loud and I don't want him hurting other students. So as we stand outside he proceeds to kick and scream. This goes on for about ten minutes and I am trying all the tricks in my box to calm him down but he is too escalated and I had no way to radio for help. A teacher then proceeds to walk towards where we are and my heart lifts. I was thinking he was coming to help.

Nope, Wrong!

Instead he proceeds to yell and curse at my student and I. " SHUT UP, SHUT THE "F" UP, I CANNOT DO MY JOB" and then he leaves the student and I.

My student curls up in my arms sobbing and then flips and shoves me to the ground and runs away. By this time I am in shock and run to get help. Eventually I find my student hiding in a bathroom stall. I am shaken, he is distraught and I have to think very quickly how to resolve this situation that seems unresolvable.

In my mind it still is unresolvable.

Unfortunately, for the student because he has had so much trauma, in the end he was unfazed. I was still shaking but my students had shaken it off and wanted to play chess a half an hour later.

Luckily for me my boss is an understanding man and sent me home. He knew I was struggling and when I got home I felt weak, like I somehow failed.

When people asked how my day was I became a mess, I cried and explained my day, but even trying to explain it didn't do it justice. No one can understand that day unless they live it and they still might have experienced it totally different than me.

However, later on when I explained to people I was quitting my job I got asked the question "why?" a lot. I would explain my job and how hard it was but no one really could process it. A few people could that had been in my shoes but not really.

And it made me start wondering about our society.

I have worked this job or similar jobs like it for a number of years. My resume allows me excel in this area. I get paid completive wages, good benefits and have a decent schedule.

For the past few years it kept me working really hard jobs.

But I had a light bulb moment.

LIfE ISN'T ABOUT WORK!

Yeah, having a stable income is necessary and benefits are good to have BUT what about overall well-being and what makes you happy?

I am currently reading this book called "Recovering Joy", it is about finding happiness, true happiness, being content with life.

It asked last night in one of its daily practices to define what my happiness is.

It took me a really long time to answer because lately I have been living for other people. I have been living for my job and my students, I have been living for a relationship that might not treat me like I deserve. I have been putting people and activities I love aside for things that are not fully filling me.

And if one cannot be fully fulfilled how can they fulfill their need in this world?

I say I want to help people and yet I struggle every day to get out of bed. How can I be helping my students, if I am drowning too?

So what I am trying to say is:

What are we living for? What is making us happy?

I have been planning and planning out the future and enduring shitty situations in the mean time, but the future no matter what is unknown.

What needs to happen is to embrace the here and now.

Be present NOW!

It sounds so cliche but think about it. Right now I am sitting in my bed, when I close my computer I can either do what I always do, stress about tomorrow, what needs to be done and what I need to do better at or I can enjoy the softness of my pillows, the smell of my fresh sheets, the warmth my body feels snuggled into the blanket and thank the universe that I am here, now in my room, safe and warm.

Why let the unpredictable future ruin what is present?

Accept feelings and do something about the now if the now is not making you happy.

Live for the now, because the rest is unknown.