Crazy Making

I just didn't feel like anything I did mattered. That my arguments fell on deaf ears. That my opinons didn't matter.

I felt like I really was "weird" and "stupid"...

I felt I really was ridiculous when I was stressed about working full time and going to school full time, for being nervous for my marathons...

I was suppose to be full of love and optimism, to do everything perfectly and never question what he did.

He was the perfect one, I needed to change -- I needed to constantly better myself to appease him. I need to cater to him so I wouldn't get the silent treatment or the awful remarks that made me feel like I really was in the wrong.

As I explained this to my therapist, my never ending need to work on myself, to do everything better she listened but after I finished talking she told me it wasn't my fault.

It's called "Crazy Making" - my therapist explained it like this:

If you’re a victim of a crazy maker, you often feel lost, disconnected, unsure of your standing in the relationship, and unsure of yourself. You learn to doubt your perceptions because every time you say “The sky is blue” your abuser says, “The sky is green.” Over time, you become brainwashed enough to believe you no longer see that dazzling blue sky! Crazy making makes you feel like you are the crazy one

I wouldn't call him an abuser, I want to believe he didn't do it intentionally, but the damage was done.

But in a way I am glad I now have a way to wrap my head around why I lack self-worth, why I struggle so hard to see the beauty in me. 

I question everything I do and I worry that I will do something wrong and someone will be mad at me, some how I will be the fuck up again. 

I don't really know how long this feeling will last, but my therapist promised me I will heal over time and I will be able to be in healthy relationships where I am treated with value. 

But for now I am stuck not trusting people or myself. It is funny how you can blame yourself, I wonder "how could I not see how unhealthy the relationship was" but there is no point in asking these questions.

What is done is done and now I must heal. 

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity. -Hippocrates