Be a Mountain

Mountains. 

They seem to be a theme in my life, not to mention I love mountains. 

People ask the question: "Are you a mountain or  an ocean person?" I love the ocean, however it does not give me the same sense of aliveness as being in the mountains. 

I have never put much thought into it though. I just knew being in the mountains gave me a sense of happiness I didn't normally feel. 

At first I thought it was just being away from society, running away in a sense (my favorite tactic when life seems to be to much).

Then I started recognizing that when I am out in the mountains I am my truest self. Everything is on the surface. From my physical appearance of not wearing make-up, hair pulled up and dirty to my physiological ability of how many miles can I hike or run in the woods until my body tells me no more to my mental capacity of what am I seeing and taking in, how am I processing life without being stimulated by everyday commonalities like my phone, computer, even my friends/family to distract me to my emotional state of how I am truly feeling in my rawest form. 

I hiked Dog Mountain the other day with a friend. I was my purest, happiest self. (I felt kind of bad for him, 7am and you get my chipper loud self singing during the drive all the way up to the hike). After the hike we got lunch in Hood River and wandered around and I explained to him my feeling of complete contentment. 

I am learning the more time I spend in nature, in the mountains, the happier I am. 

This brings me to why I am even talking about mountains. 

About a week ago I had an "almost" anxiety attack. There was/is a lot going on. People I love dearly are going through hard times, I allowed a new person into my life (which is always anxiety producing to me) and I started work again working with non-verbal youth which I have never done before. 

I was over-stimulated. I could feel my energy, it wasn't positive. I knew I had two options: to keep going and ignore my negative energy I could feel coursing through my body or I could stop and use some skills I have been practicing. 

I have been practicing reading my energy levels, sitting and gaging on a scale of 1-10 how cuckoo bananas I feel. At that certain moment I was gaging myself to be about an 8 on the cuckoo bananas scale (once I get to a 9 or 10 I take my anxiety meds, nobody needs a hyperventilating Rosemary) so I stopped what I was doing and went into my "don't go bananas routine" which, depending on the time of day it is, I go for a run or I take a bath and then meditate (which is becoming my nighttime ritual, it really helps with insomnia!) 

I took a bath for 20 minutes, I lite incenses, used lavender bath salts, turned on meditation music and turned off the lights and set a timer. This sounds super relaxing but it is kind of like my personal hell when I am amped up. I made myself lay in the bath and breath and try not to overthink. After my timer went off I got out of the bath and went to my room and chose a meditation. 

The particular meditation I chose was called "Mountain Meditation". I hadn't done it before but decided to try it out. It was a 20 minute meditation and it first had me envision my favorite mountain (Mt. Hood). It asked questions about the mountain such as what it's physical appearance looked like. The meditation then went in to talking about the seasons the mountain goes through and how there are good and bad days to be on the mountain. After really studying the mountain the meditation asked me to bring the mountain inside myself and to be one with the mountain. It explained that I can be grounded like the mountain and be OK no matter how the seasons change or the storms that shake the mountain. 

(You can access the meditation here: http://palousemindfulness.com/meditations/mountain.html ) 

So I have now been doing the meditation for about 2 week and it is bringing to light why I love the mountains, it is as though subconsciously I knew my time in the mountains gave me the strength and groundedness to proceed with my every day life. 

The mountain is my constant reminder that I can be strong and grounded. I can make it through any season and any storm. 

And I need that in my life. It is so easy to feel so small in our large world, just as it is easy to forget about mountains when they are not in plain sight, but mountains never lose their magnificence and neither will I. 

We all need to appreciate our own beauty and magnificence, even through the hardest times, because like a mountain, we all have the strength to make it through any storm and the beauty that comes after a storm will outshine the darkness.  

Climb the mountains to see the lowlands. -Chinese Proverb 

Who Are You Going With?

I recently went on a backpacking trip around Waldo Lake.

When my friends and family heard of my adventures, that first question that came up was:

"Who are you going with?"

When they heard my response:

"Myself"

I got a slew of responses ranging from:

"Is that safe?", "Good for you!", "Well...that is strange."

And I get those responses to a point. I am a relatively petite 26 year old woman who was traipsing through the wilderness by myself.

But lets take 10 steps back before we jump to the conclusion that this a bad idea and I am going to get lost, abducted, or a bear would eat me.

First on getting lost! ITS WALDO LAKE, ITS A CIRCLE, or essentially a circle. If I managed to get lost during this trip I am an idiot, seriously. On top of that my father had me get a tracking device and I checked in with him everyday. So getting lost was not a concern.

Second, getting abducted. Let me first ask the question when was the last time you met a hiker that was creepy? Everyone I have  ever met on the trail is just like me, out to get some fresh air and away from society. Maybe it is a naive thought, but I don't think abductees are going to hike their asses into the wilderness in hopes of finding one random person to abduct. Also, I hike with pepper spray and a knife, so worst comes to worst I use my defense skills.

Third, a bear eating me....or any other animal attacking me. Well this may be the most likely option and well the way I see it, no matter what we do in life there are risks and I am pretty sure the risk of an animal attacking me is very slim, especially in the places I am backpacking. I am not going on any crazy, rough, adventures at least not until I am more experienced at traveling on my own.

So really what I am asking is why does everyone ask "who am I going with?"

And I had to think on that for a while and I realized for a long time I asked myself the same question. I always wanted to go backpacking but I always wondered "with who?" Then it dawned on me, I do not need anyone.

I can do this on my own.

Strangely enough admitting that was hard, accepting that I do not need anyone to go with me on this backpacking excursion was scary and lonely.

Being alone is scary and overwhelming and yet freeing.

And as I laid in my tent and thought about this new adventure I had taken on my own, I connected it back to life.

I have asked myself many times in my day to day life, "who am I going with?"

I didn't come up with an answer, I thought a lot about the people in my life who have helped me on my journey and the people no longer in my life that have shaped me to be where I am.

But now as I look back on my excursion I have to laugh because it tells the story of my life.

When I got out to Waldo Lake it was already evening time so I decide to just hike a few miles in a find a good campsite and that is exactly what I did. However as soon as I stopped hiking the mosquitos swarmed and tried to eat me alive so it made camping a little more difficult.

Kind like in life, even when you want to stop and take a breath the world around you never stops.

But like in camping, or at least this beautiful campsite, you have to accept the beauty with the ugly.

The next day I woke up and planned on hiking 12-15 miles (the total hike was around 25 miles) and then stopping for the night and enjoying another night under the stars. Yet again however, my plan was foiled. I feel silly admitting this but the damn mosquitoes changed my ENTIRE plan. The first 10 miles were OK. There were mosquitoes and they almost ate my alive, but with a large amount of bug spray and never stopping to take a breath I made it through.

By mile 12 I needed a snack, I needed to change my socks and the view was too gorgeous to ignore, so I sat down and let the damn mosquitos bite me.

But I mean really look at these views...even as the mosquitos ate me I appreciated the beauty that nature offered.


After my rest at mile 12, the trail moved away from the water and more into the wilderness. By trail I mean climbing over fallen trees, doing kung fu with the mosquitoes that some how got worse and trying to keep my wit about me.

My plan to stop at mile 15 didn't happen. I could not stand the idea of trying to set up camp with the mosquitoes, but by this time my body was tired. I had never hiked this far by myself with my too heavy of a backpack. I honestly was kind of losing my mind but I kept trudging on.

By mile 20 I saw a sign that said 5 more miles until North Waldo (where I left my car) and made a resolve that I wold make it to my car and if by some miracle I found the perfect campsite that was not infested with mosquitos I would stop and camp.

I never found that campsite and hauled myself the next five miles. I wasn't exactly sane though, at one point I may have yelled at the mosquitos to leave me alone, mostly because I wanted another snack and to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to stop and let me mosquitoes eat me again.

I found the 1 mile sign and danced a jig! When I came out of the woods on to the campground for North Waldo I scared a man, he jumped and asked where I had come from. I probably looked insane, covered in mosquito bites, one eye partially swollen shut from being bite, a pant leg torn from catching it on a log and some blood that went along with the torn pants...

But I made it through the hike. I hiked 25 miles straight through, I took one snack break, didn't go to the bathroom and only lost my cool briefly.

I did it and I realized as I drove 4 hours home, I am one tough cookie and I can teach others that we can do it on our own.

I believe we live in a time where there is societal pressure to be with people or have a significant other. At least I have always felt that way and struggled meshing my introverted side with my extroverted side, but I am coming to accept it is OK to be alone and take on life's adventures by yourself.

For me at least, that is how I am learning and embracing my life. There will always be mosquitoes in life, (and I asked myself many times, why do mosquitoes even exist) and I think it is because they test  us and shows us our worth in a very backwards way.

Just like every trail and tribulation in life can prove to us our strength and worth if we chose to find the positives in them.