Costa Rica: Pura Vida, Part 2

I feel like you are suppose to say "traveling was amazing" and never admit that all though yes, my travels were fantastic there were still moments that were hard, really hard.

Not only am I admitting that, but I expected that. I didn't go to Costa Rica solely for a vacation. I went because life at home wasn't forcing me to move beyond a certain point of stagnation I had reached.

It has almost been a year now from when I thought I had my life planned out or at least had a rough idea of the direction it was going and who I was going through life with.

Before I left for Costa Rica, I had managed to stabilize my life and myself into a functioning person, a semi-happy person that kept really busy. If I wasn't working, I was running, if I wasn't running, I was climbing, if I wasn't climbing I was going out.

I couldn't stand being still and I saw nothing wrong with that but on the inside I still didn't feel like myself. I never fully felt comfortable or relaxed. I was always searching to find something or someone to bring me peace.

When I arrived in Costa Rica I tried to keep up the same momentum but it wasn't possible. Let me explain to you why.

The farm is COMPLETELY SECLUDED!

The farm was located a bus ride away from the nearest big city, San Isidro and the tiny town, Rivas, was a two mile hike in and had one grocer, maybe 3 bars and a coffee/bakery shop.

Everyone at the farm filled their time after work by reading, playing cards, staring at birds, staring at each other, etc. I think you get the picture, if you weren't OK with doing nothing the farm could drive you insane and honestly it did the first few days.

My mind races when it has nothing to preoccupy it so for the first few days I read viciously and finished Game of Thrones, I really thought that book would last me my whole trip. After my book was done I started reading other books but I can only read so much without going whacky.

So I started running more. Walter gave me running routes around the town, down gravel roads that had hills that I am not even sure if I could call them hills they were so steep, they were these sick twisted inclines you were somehow suppose to get up without dying. (I got serious thigh power now!)

But I couldn't run all day, the hills, the heat, and the the humidity were too much. About a week in a was introduced to the river that ran behind our farm.

It was my saving grace.

Everyday after my run I would come down to the river. Sometimes I would just sit in the water, sometimes I would journal, other times read, but most of the time I would just think.

One day in particular I was having a really hard time. I was realizing that the aching feeling inside of me, the one I always had even at home was just the ache of loneliness. Costa Rica was forcing me to accept that the life I once had, the comfort I once had of knowing I alway had someone was gone and I had to toughen up and learn to embrace life alone, without a partner at least for the time being.

After I got past this hard realization I began to feel really happy, ecstatic almost and I started realizing how many amazing people I do have in my life and all the beautiful people in the world there are to meet.

But Costa Rica taught me even though there are beautiful people in my life and I get to meet these brilliant people daily, that people come in and out of our lives. Nothing is ever permanent and its a harsh reality to accept.

My first two weeks at the farm I became close to the group of WOOFers that were there, we called ourselves a family. We did everything together but they were all leaving before me. The day the last of our WOOF crew left I was sad and I was left again feeling alone. It made me realize how much I rely on having companionship and how important being in relationship with people is to me.

Instead of letting it get me down though I decided to plan my own adventures. Considering I started this trip thinking I would be doing everything solo I thought it was time I embark on my solo adventures. I planned trips to Uvita and La Fortuna and yet even on these trips I did not go alone.

I am starting to realize my personality is one to invite people in, and as new WOOFers showed up at the farm I not only invited them in, I invited them with me and I began forming a new pack.

It wasn't until my last few days in Costa Rica was I traveling alone and I went back down to my favorite beach.

There was something special about Uvita, it has an energy I cannot describe. When I was there it made me feel like I was safe.

I also met a local there that really made an impression on me. There was something about his carefree ways, humor and yet honest remarks that made me think.

I could tell he hadn't had the easiest life, he talked about his time in America, how his mom left him, his various jobs in Costa Rica. He now works at a hostel near the beach and I remember him saying nonchalantly "people come and people go" as I was talking about how sad it was that he got to meet all these people and form all these relationships for just a short period of time. Life had hardened him, I don't think there was a moment I didn't see a drink in his hand. I was lucky enough though to spend actual time with him, sober time with him, and got to know a different side and as I left Uvita to catch my bus to come home  I began to realize that my heart will always be drawn to people like him. People with the tough stories.

Costa Rica made me realize that I need to be in relationships with people. I want to share my life story with as many people as possible. I want people to feel safe with me. I want to be able to fix everything.

I am not a fixer, no one person can fix another person's life. I can alter it and show love but I cannot fix. I am accepting that and am accepting that people will not always be in my life forever. I am working on quiet times and not staying so damn busy.

It is funny actually, the day I got home I started feeling under the weather. The next day I spent the day with my sister and ran 8 miles. Essentially I came home and refused to slow down and I got really sick. It was like my body was reminding me what I learned in Costa Rica, to slow down.

I spent my first 3 days home after my first day back lying on the couch feeling like death wanting to go 100 miles per hour but my body wouldn't let me. Costa Rica taught me to be still but being home it is hard to keep practicing that lessons.

But I am going to keep practicing times of stillness and not being constantly busy. I am going to practice accepting the help of others, and knowing that I cannot fix everything.

Going to Costa Rica was a challenge, but I think being home is even more of a challenge. I miss having my hands in the soil, and spending hours watching birds and feeling like everything was alright. There was no pressure like there is here at home.

And yet I am convinced that someway it is possible to find that peace here at home with enough time and dedication to work on the lessons Costa Rica taught me.

My hope is to learn that lessons and pass it on to others to find peace within themselves and within life.

Costa Rica: Pura Vida, Part 1

It was pitch black when I woke up gasping for breath.

It was another anxiety attack of what was to come.

As I tried to slow my breathing I had to laugh at myself. Why was I was so worried to go travel by myself?

As regrouped myself and practiced my breathing exercises I slowly fell back asleep.

In the morning I awoke with the sunrise and remembered "Oh shit, I am having anxiety attacks because I am off my anxiety medication".

About 6 months ago I poured all my medications down the toilet and flushed them. Up until then I had been doing great. I was committed to living my life and accepting my feelings without meds to alter who I truly am.

I was embracing everything I felt and thought wholly instead of trying to medicate my true personality and I loved it until I had to face real anxiety.

The day I left for Costa Rica I was a nervous mess. My nervous energy was never ending. I was like a honey bee on crack buzzing around everywhere. I was annoying myself but when I finally made it to the airport I went into travel mode and thought I had started to calm down.

My flight was at midnight. I told myself I would sleep on the plane, I didn't sleep at all. When I arrived in Chicago at 5am I was exhausted and nauseas. I tried to sleep during my layover with no success. Again on my flight to San Jose sleep did not avail me.

When we landed in Costa Rica and got off the plane I was 110% overwhelmed. My Spanish is OK but far from fluent. Getting through customs, to a taxi and to the bus station was a struggle to say the least. I went into survival mode to just get to the bus that would take me to the farm I was going to work at.

Walter (the main farm hand) had emailed me earlier and told me to only take the red cabs. So when I got outside of the airport I searched for red cabs. I was bombarded with offers for rides. I am pretty sure if I could of seen my face it would of been an "my eyes are going to pop out of my head, oh shit, I am a lost gringo face". One man came up speaking english and offered to take my bag and give me a ride. Stupidly enough I nodded and walked with him. Did he drive a red taxi? Oh no, of course not, it was a big white creeper van and I realized I fucked up. I was trying to figure out if he was legit or not as we loaded my stuff into the creeper van. I climbed in the van and prayed to my lucky stars I wouldn't get kidnapped. As he drove me he danced and sprayed cologne on himself the entire way. By the end I convinced myself he was trying to suffocating me to death with Axe body spray, but that is all that went wrong because he dropped me off at the bus station, Musoc, and wished me well.

At the bus station I somehow got the right ticket for the right bus.

(Costa Rica's bus system is the most ridiculous, complicated system I have ever seen. Seriously, its like a sick game of hide and seek and once you are on the bus they take like a minimum of 3 hours to get anywhere.)

Before the bus came I had a minor breakdown/freak out. I was starting to believe I had made a terrible choice coming here by myself. I missed home and my comfort zone but I was quickly shaken out of my freak out because I had to board the bus. The bus ride was a good 4 hours of curving, winding hills but I was in awe of lush, green landscape Costa Rica had to offer. There was pure feeling about passing through the hills that gave me a sense of serenity.

When I arrived in San Isidro (the town closest to where the farm was) Walter picked me up. I had no idea what to expect and I did not expect a bald german man who was, well a rather rough around the edges. He was nice enough as he drove me to the farm and showed me around but I could tell he was "take no shit" kind of person. As we walked around the farm he looked at me and he eventually stopped and looked at me and told me to go to bed. I was rather taken back but I realized he probably understood how exhausted I was.

I fell asleep early that night completely overwhelmed, sweating and swatting bugs away. All I could think was "what have I gotten myself in to?"

Fast forward to 33 days later (I'll fill in stories of those 33 days later in more blogs to come) I was sitting at Tracopa, yet another bus station, crying (again) not because I was overwhelmed but because saying good-bye was too hard to do.

I had made a family in Costa Rica and a new way life that embraced my weird quirks and odd personality.

 

Walter, the blunt German, quickly became like an Uncle to me. I cherish the days we spent wandering in the garden and the coffee dates where he would give the best life advice without even knowing it. I miss his abrasive terms and how he called everything "shit!" He always seemed to have answer for every dilemma, normally it was "eat a banana" but eating a banana never failed.

The other farmers, (Courtney, Gloria, Sara, Arthur, Sarah, Annie, Ari) all taught me something beautiful. They taught me to love myself, flaws and all. When your stuck on a farm for a month with little to do after work hours you talk, honestly and openly. They gave me a chance to be vulnerable and they embraced my story and loved me. They taught me to never let fear make my decisions and to try everything, yes EVERYTHING, at least once. I learned to always ask questions and never be afraid to speak what is on my mind.

The locals showed me how friendly people can be and at the same time how blunt people can be. They always spoke what was on their mind and I came to appreciate that because the guessing game was taken out of the picture. If a local wanted to say something they just came out and said it, but their outgoing, friendly nature made their brash ways non-intimidating. I was out to drink with a local I became close with and as we chatted he looked at me and said "you know, you are weird sometimes" and I cannot help but laugh because that it true Costa Rican culture.

Every day I would go on a run through different parts of the tiny town I was staying in. Every day people would wave and say "Buenos Dias" or "Pura Vida"or if you looked completely lost at the bus station someone would always try and help (even if they had no clue what I was talking about). They taught me to smile and laugh without hesitation and to live in the moment.

When I planned my trip to Costa Rica I was hoping it was have an effect on my entire life, I left searching to find myself, to reconnect with the girl that was lost and harden from one hell of a bad year. I could of never guessed it would change my whole demeanor and allow me to gain a whole new acceptance and love for who I am.