Life's A Bitch

I am not really sure what life has in store for me. 

I keep trying to figure it out...

I spent the past week hiking in the Olympic Rainforest.

It was a brilliant trip but it was an emotionally tough trip. 

I have talked about how great I am as distracting myself, like I am too good at it. 

But when your up in a freaking rainforest you can't distract yourself. 

I didn't have school or work or fundraising or running. My constant stimulation of people and activities were cut off and I was left with myself. 

It is amazing when you actually slow down how much you find in yourself, the good and the bad.

And then when I came home I got an email from the Peace Corps. 

I have been planning on joining the Peace Corps as my next step after graduation. The email said something along the lines of:

"You have been placed in Thailand, you will officially know if you are accepted into the program in September and you would leave January 2016"

For some reason this threw me off my rocker because damn it, I want to leave as soon as I graduate. I want to keep going. I can't be stagnant. I must keep going a thousand miles per hour because slowing down hurts too damn much.

I overcame my meltdown and pulled myself together. I did what I always do and over planned, kept going, looked into options and started putting more plans in place.

I am this constant planner, obsessively in need for control. 

Well life is a funny bitch and she is making me slow down.

I went on a 13 mile run today. It was a great run - long story short I ended up locking myself out of my car and so I laid in the sun until I got a spare key. 

But when I stood up and tried to walk my right leg was stiff and refused to bend. It shot shooting pain through my whole body.  I shrugged it off and figured it was nothing, but the pain didn't go away. Not after my bath, not after stretching, it just got continually worse. When I finally sat down and iced it I realized how bad my pain was. 

The verdict: Grade 2 hamstring strain. 

AKA no running, limited activity, light yoga at the most, I can swim but it isn't the same as running. 

My biggest escape from reality has been taken away from me. 

Life sometimes you are cruel. 

My mom even said "I have to be around when your luck changes, it is going to be epic" 

And she is right, my luck has to turn around but for now I somehow have to find the positive of having an out of commission leg. 

I get life is making me slow down but damn it sucks. 

Where is the silver lining?

We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad. -John Green

Learning to Feel

I found out some news tonight that I really wasn't ready to hear.

I don't really think I would of ever been ready to hear it, but I knew at some point I would.

It crushed me, but I wanted to pretend it didn't.

I pretended it didn't when I found out.

I let the news settle on me and I kept functioning, kept trying to live in the moment, be present and not let it ruin the evening.

I tried, and when I was driving home I tried to not let it eat at me.

And when I got home I tried to not let it keep me up and then I realized this is it. The moment of living in the moment vs. the big life picture.

These little points in life where I can either ball up and deal with the pain or go on hiding and dodging from it.

So here is what I did.

I got ready for bed. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and got into bed.

I set a timer for five minutes. I crawled into bed, wrapped myself in blankets, grabbed a pillow turned off the lights and hit start on my timer.

I sat for five minutes with my emotions.

At first I felt nothing, I have perfected the art of feeling nothing. It is my armor when life gets tough.

And then I started feeling anxious and uncomfortable and wanted my time to be done.

Then all of the sudden I let myself relax and let myself feel. I sat and sobbed. It didn't feel good, it didn't feel cathartic but at least it is coming out and not staying bottled in me and eating away at me every minute of every day.

Life hurts. Making yourself sit down and feel true, heartbreaking emotions hurts.

I want to be strong and not feel pain. I do not want to let other people crush me, but to live is to be in relationships with others.

People are not perfect, they will hurt you and we will hurt them, not intentionally, but it happens.

So maybe instead my definition of being strong doesn't have to mean not feeling pain, instead being strong can be feeling pain, owning my pain and my hardship, the daily life struggles.

Being open and honest, vulnerable some might say.

I know this won't happen over night, but it starts with baby steps, like setting a timer for five minutes and letting yourself feel. It doesn't seem so scary when you know there is an out.

I think it really helps to then read or watch something funny. Personally I am a fan of "Best of Funny Talking Animals" on Youtube -- but really watch it if your easily entertained.

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom. -Rumi

The Brain Game

Being a long distance runner is like this weird head game you play with yourself.

A looooong time ago when I first got into long distance running an old coach told me "you can train your muscles all you want but the most important thing is to train your brain". 

Yada, yada, yada, that makes sense but I didn't really think much of it. 

But it is freaky true. 

I ran twenty miles yesterday and I thought consciously about the brain game I play with myself. 

Let me explain my thoughts over my twenty mile run:

Mile 1 & 2: "Shit I am sore, my legs feel like they weigh 200lbs, why the hell am I out here and why I am a running so slow. Mmmm I think I need to pee, or is this just the nervous I need to pee feeling?"

Mile 3-7: "Oh fine, this isn't so bad. My legs feel normal, just had to get loosened up. I got this as long as keep my times around 8:20's. I am pretty sure I don't have to pee." 

Mile 7-10: "WEEEE, look at me!!! I am running and I am happy, I am running and I happy, la la la, nobody can stop me" 

Mile 10-12: "Shit I still have ten miles to go, what the hell! This is going to take forever and I think I'm starting to feel tired. Wait, what pace am I running at? Oh no running sub 8:00's, slow down speed racer or your going to die at the end" 

Mile 13: "Hey I just ran a half marathon boo ya, but shoot I still have to run seven more miles...hmmm I think I need to eat something except my black cherry flavored shot blocks taste like ass, why didn't I buy the strawberry? I will have to resort to my ginger chews" 

Mile 14-16: "Must keep brain occupied so I don't think about how tired my legs are feelings. I think I need to fart. I should just try and fart cause if I keep it in I know I will have a tummy ache. Maybe a loud car will drive by and I can fart and no one will hear...I hope it is a fart" 

Mile 17-18: "Ok, this can be done now. I hate life, I hate running, I am tired. How the hell do I run marathons, why do I run them? Ouch, ouch, ouch, I think I have blood in my sock. Gross" 

Mile 18-20: "Ahh I think I am finally hitting my second wind, or maybe I just know that it is almost over. I shall run very quickly to the end so I can be done. Wait, what should I do when I am done. What will I eat? I love eating. Food, I want food." 

End of run: "I did it, I did it, whoop! I feel way too good for having run twenty miles, must do happy dance but my legs are too sore." 

It is like a mini-life when you run long distances and push your body past its normal capacity of effort. Your emotions run rampant. 

But somewhere inside me I made the decision that no matter what I will always keep running, aways keep pushing my body to the limit to succeeded no matter what my brain is telling me. I have become an expert at telling my brain to shut up. 

But running is just one aspect of my life. One aspect that I have full control over. I can either live a lifestyle that pushes me forward and makes my body more efficient at running or I can live a lifestyle that negates my hard work. 

It is sometimes hard finding this balance. I literally eat, drink and sleep for my running, especially right now in marathon season. 

Sometimes I don't always put my running first but I find when I do not put my running first, I am not putting my best interest first. 

Which is so strange to me because I know what will make me the best runner I can be and yet I don't do it.

I know what is best for me in most realms of my life and yet most times I don't do it.

It goes back to instant gratification. It is addicting. I am addicted to instant gratification, so how do I break the addiction?

How do I look into the future and work for future rewards while living in the present? 

I want to live life in the moment, but I also want to live my life for bigger and better things. 

Life in the moments vs. life's big picture, can they coincide, live together in harmony?  Can I make living in the moment be productive for my life in the future?

Can I train my brain to be able to push past moments of hardship and keep going? Can I play the brain game in my daily life? Can I push myself to succeed and never stop?

I have no idea, it is my new mission to find out. For the next few weeks I will be seeing how instant gratification, living in the moment and living for life's big picture mesh in my life and if I can make them a harmonious team. 

(and yes, of course I will blog about them!)

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment" -Buddha 

Perfectionism...as Unnatural as Spam

Perfectionism.

It is what society tells us to strive for. 

Be smarter, be richer, be skinner. 

Do more, be more. 

Hey guess what society? You make me freaking exhausted. 

And you know what else?

Society is a conundrum, that is what I have decided.

Society asks us to be better, to morph ourselves into these perfect beings and yet it does not give us the grace to learn. 

I am obsessed with listening to podcasts on my runs right now. I mean does it get any better, it is a body and mind workout. I think that is called winning!

But that is beside the point, the point is I listened to a podcast that interviewed Parker Palmer and Courtney Martin, two incredible people who came together to talk about sustainable. social change. 

Two quotes stood out to me.

One by Parker Palmer: 
 “We're whiplashed between the arrogant over-estimation of ourselves, and a servile under-estimation of ourselves.”

The other by Courtney Martin: 
"We live in a culture that does not give us a lot of models of what it looks like to learn in public". 

And then I was reading a Daring Greatly by the infamous Brene Brown in which she said:
"Shame-resilient cultures nurture folks who are much more open to soliciting, accepting and incorporating feedback...these cultures also further engaged, tenacious people who expect to have to try and try again to get it right -- people who are much more willing to get innovative and creative in their efforts" 

Sometimes I feel like the universe is talking to me...today is told me that I need to stop trying to be perfect.

It told me that I will find my best self when I start being my real self, flaws and all. 

Like Parker said, there are certain things I love about myself. I love my ability to run vast distances rather quickly, I love that I am book smart and can hold a 4.0 GPA, I love that my ability to wake up and make myself do anything I put my mind too

but on the other hand I hate my self doubt, I hate that I cannot shake the feeling that I will never be good enough in any sphere in my life, that I will always somehow be lacking, I hate that I feel a constant void in myself and a need to be in connection with people to heal that, I hate that I need people. 

People hurt. People are what make up the society that is harshly judgmental. People are the ones who do not allow us to learn in public.

We live in society that thrives on negative criticism. We nit-pick and find flaws in most anything, we are conditioned to find the bad over the brilliant. 

I have an honest confession to make.

I have this co-worker I have a really, really hard time working with. My coworker is constantly asking if he is doing his job right, he is constantly questioning everything he does. 

It drives me nuts. I always think "have some self-confidence and take control!" 

But then when he asks "what can I do to get better?" I think, "shoot, I should ask that question too but I don't have the confidence too"

Criticism is hard to take, I would like to be perfect so I avoid the questions that can make me better at what I do. 

So instead of being frustrated with my co-worker, maybe I am just envious of his openness and ability to be vulnerable. He knows he is not perfect and owns it. 

What if we could all own our mistakes and imperfections? What if it was acceptable to make a fool of ourselves in public and learn?

What if society didn't mock and ridicule when a person made a mistake?

We all know we are human, but why can we not accept our human emotions and actions? 

All of us failed to match out dreams of perfection. -William Faulker