Frankly, it made little sense to me and I am in my own head all the damn time.
So I am trying again because life has a funny way of teaching lessons through the simplest of things.
I was at yoga tonight. I have fallen in love with this new yoga teacher. She is very grounded and teaches in such a way that reminds me to stay grounded.
Ironically enough today she spoke most poientely about uncertainty.
She said "uncertainty is the start for adventure, uncertainty is the starting place for life"
Uncertainty has been the theme for my past week.
As we all know by now after reading my blog I am an anxious person and I don't necessarily do well with change. It freaks me out.
I actually just threw up all over my shower from my anxiety. (It was gross I had to pick lettuce from my drain.)
What is causing all this anxiety you may wonder...
I graduated on Saturday. I realize this should be a time for celebration and excitement but it was the exact opposite for me. I tuned inward, became stressed, anxious and slightly depressed.
I love learning and school has always been something I had to fall back on. It was like running for me.
If I can have my head in a book I am content. (I am that awkward extroverted introvert that is happy with people as long as I have the fall back plan of a book that sits idly waiting in my pursue for any moment I start to feel socially inept - I actually have 3 books in my pursue right now)
So graduation, as exciting of a time as it is, I actually hate it and I HATE the question "what is your next step?"
Excuse my language but fuck you, that is how the question makes me feel, it makes me want to say fuck you and walk away because I have no idea what is next and really, does anything have to be next?
Why do we always have to have a plan?
Guess what people, most plans that we put in place don't even work out. The universe has a much bigger picture for us out there then we could ever imagine.
And I remind myself of this, especially after I get over my anxious vomiting sessions.
If I was still on "my plan" I would still be dating Jordan, I would probably be moving to Michigan, I would still be giving up many life adventures that I would of never had if I stuck with "my plan".
Life didn't let me stick with my plan.
Don't get me wrong, this past week I have thought about Jordan and how comfortable and easy it was. I thought about our old bed and how easy it would be to curl up in it and be comfortable and not push myself to the next step. A tiny bit of me misses that comfort but 99.9% of me is excited for the next step.
It is terrifying knowing that I am going it alone, there isn't my counterpart to go through this adventure with me but I am learning to embrace that (sort of).
I still get anxious and would love to not go it alone but I know in good time when I am strong in myself and strong in the fact that the universe has a plan that I must be willing to lean into that I won't always feel alone.
I know I am not alone right now. I have lots of people in my life surrounding me and loving me but it is hard to see because they won't come with me for every step I make.
Every step I am making is changing my life (and inadvertently also changing others) but these are my steps and I am leading the way.
I think when we realize how much and how little control we have over our lives we all kind of get freaked out.
Society tells us to have a plan and to have the answer but no one ever does.
I saw one of my favorite professors at graduation sitting perched on a ledge looking scholarly. I was ecstatic to see him, he has had a huge impact on my life and when I saw him he said very little to me but he did reaffirm his belief in me when he said "Now go and change the world"
He believes in my ability to change the world, he sees a part of me I cannot even see but with that he gives me the courage and strength to keep taking steps forward and not letting my apprehensions, fears and anxiety get the best of me as I start yet another chapter in my life.
I may still get the anxious throw ups and I may still struggle with accepting uncertainty but if there is one thing I know is that we are all connected to this world, our feet are what ground us, we are all roots growing up into this universe that has a brilliant plan that will nourish us and let us flourish if we allow it.
"Detach from needing to have thing work out a certain way. The universe is perfect and there are no failures. Give yourself the gift of detaching from your worries and trust that everything is happening perfectly" -Orin
