Reintroduction To The Self

My birthday was this past weekend, the big 25!

I did not expect to be where I am at, like seriously, not at all.

Life, you are so damn unpredictable and yet wonderful.

I never cease to be amazed at what life throws at me, the good and the awful.

I was in therapy today and felt like I didn't have to much to talk about, I thought I was dealing just fine with life, finally.

Wrong.

This is why I love and hate therapy. It digs up shit you never knew was going on.

My therapist said "What are we working on today?"

I said "I dunno, everything seems OK."

My therapist just starred at me. (It is like this evil silence trick that makes you ramble non-sense and then that non-sense turns into life changing epiphanies, its freaky)

So I started rambling about the idea of perceptions and how I don't always trust my perceptions and some how I ended up talking about food and my weird relationship with it.

For as long as I can remember food has always been a strange thing for me. Eating in front of people, other than my family, has always been hard for me.

I am strangely self-conscious of what I eat and in front of who.

Yes, I know I am weird. 

And then I started to realize something I never understood before.

My whole life I have been tiny, skinny. I have always been the "skinny girl". Growing up I was always the smallest one out of all my friends.

I linked this to my identity. I had no self-confidence growing up and was very shy so I rarely got noticed but I was always noticed for my tiny figure.

Being thin was my identity, it was one thing people noticed about me and I have held on to that identity.

My therapist told me it was my childish way of dealing with life's hardship. She did not mean it in a harsh way, she said we all have coping mechanisms that we bring forward from childhood.

She explained we have thousands of parts in ourselves that all are intwined, sometimes working productively together but most of the time fighting against each other.

For me, being skinny and holding on to that is one part of me. An insecure part of me that still worries about being not recognized. Still being the young girl that was too shy to show her personality and true colors.

That young girl reintroduced herself to me today and I was able to give her the attention she needed.

I may still be weird and insecure and control those insecurities through my strange eating habits but at least now I can pinpoint where it manifests from and start to address that.

I can start to address my insecurities and embrace them.

I am starting to learn more and more about myself as I start to introduce myself to the many parts I have thriving inside me.

I am a whole person, but the only thing that makes me whole are the millions of little pieces that are intertwined.

I am working to learn how to make those pieces work together instead of against each other and love just how strangely unique I am.

I suggest everyone tries introducing themselves to those unknown parts of themselves that makes them tick, it is truly an experience that should not be missed.

I thought meeting strangers was hard, but reintroducing yourself to your past selfs is far more challenging and far more rewarding.

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your pervious self. -Hindu Proverb