Respect - No I am not just quoting the Aretha Franklin song

I haven’t written in 3 days due to various reasons of starting a new job, sickness and just plain not wanting to write. But no excuses (but I have to say considering I didn’t/couldn’t write for 4 months I think I am doing pretty good)

My ramble today is on respect, self-respect mostly.

Hunter S. Thompson is quoted saying:

 “We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

When I first stumbled upon this quote I despised it.  I hate the idea of being alone. I love being with people, being apart of a group, feeling togetherness, a community, or at least I like the idea of it. Through that ideation I have strived to be well liked, I have worked to understand cultural norms, to fit in with societal standards, to primp and perfect myself so everyone would like me or at least accept me.

And when I wasn’t accepted or liked I would build a wall, find something that was wrong with that person but at the same time berate myself.

I think, but I could be wrong, this happens to many people, this awful self-consciousness that can hinder even the best people.

Overtime through therapy, role models and unconditional love form my friends and family I have began to understand the idea of self-acceptance, self love and self respect.

My brain is very much hard-wired to hate on myself and criticize myself, especially in a new situation like starting my new job, I am constantly fretting if my coworkers like me or if I am doing a good enough job. When I have days when I am feeling low I lash out at my loved ones, just last night I was feeling awful and sick, like my body was betraying me and when Dwayne tried to be generous and kind I lashed out at him feeling inferior and not worth his loving words.

Except luckily I am now in a space where I can understand when I am being irrational, when my hardwired brain is acting out.

I know I am great at my job and I know I deserve to be loved.

(Warning, this part is a bit sappy)

So the other day I was talking with my mother and saying how lucky I felt to be dating such a great guy and how happy I was it was going so well.

She responded by saying she thinks I just found the right one.

Which I do agree with, but I do not think I could of accepted Dwayne’s endless love, compassion, kindness and patience with me if it wasn’t for learning how to love myself and respect myself.

My past dating life has been an onslaught of dating not the greatest guys, they were not bad people themselves, but I never dated guys that I meshed with. I was constantly choosing men I thought wouldn’t pick up on my inadequacies, which led me to dating men who really didn’t ultimately care about me.

Another quote I really love is by Lao Tzu and the quotes says,

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.”

Now I am not at the point where I am not comparing or competing, I am drawn to compare myself and want to be the best. It is a fault I will constantly work on, however, respecting myself and letting myself love and be loved is the an amazing accomplishment I never knew I could obtain.

But this love will never make the fact that we live life alone, just as in the quote Mister Thompson said.

So as I go through life I work towards self-respect because in the end I am the one who has to go bed with my thoughts and wake up every day to live the life I choose to live.

We chose the directions in which we steer our lives, we may not choose if it stormy or calm, but how we navigate what is dealt to us ultimately makes each day what it is.

Love yourself and every storm will seem a little quieter and every calm day will hold more tranquility.