This past year has been tumultuous to say the least and I am
finding that my life is kind of always tumultuous because I learn from doing. I
do not learn from listening to the advice of other.
I learn from my constant mistake making.
I learn from my constant need to adventure, to push the
boundary, to answer the “what if’s” by doing and learning.
The quote is “hind sight is 20/20”, well I can attest to
that.
So here I am, June 15th sitting in a coffee shop
looking back on the past 10 months.
In the past 10 months I have had 3 jobs, which at first
glance seems incredibly ridiculous to me. At times it makes me feel like I am
flaky, unreliable, and have no grit to stick with anything.
But then I have to give myself the reminder that I learn by
doing.
My first job was in the schools working with a very
challenging group of students. I thought I could do it, but with my trauma I
had not dealt with from being lost over the summer I sank instead of swam. I
thought a change of pace would be good. I questioned if I even wanted to be a
teacher and work in the schools so I explored my options. This led me to job
number 2.
Job 2, an amazing job working with Portland Roasting Coffee.
I found out a job could be fun and I didn’t have to come home every day
stressed. However I learned that I need a consistent schedule and trying to
complete my Masters to be a teacher while not working with kiddos was
challenging. I missed my daily interactions with kids and watching them grow,
so I went back to working with kids.
Job 3, back to work with the kiddos. However this time it
wasn’t the student that tested my strength, it was the staff. 6 months I fought
a battle. I worked with an unfit teacher and saw how truly broken the school
system is. As my friend told me in class the other night “it is a battle scar”,
I have to wash my hands of it, I am too low on the totem pole to make a
difference, my voice did not matter.
As I walked away from that job I was crushed and honestly I
am still waking up struggling to find a place to put that terrible experience.
I am questioning my life direction.
But, my love and passion to make a difference in kids’ lives
is still there.
I am still pushing to finish my Masters even though I have no
desire to work in the schools right now and wonder if I ever will.
Having these questions and questioning my life direction
weighs heavy on my heart. I wake up engulfed in darkness, a depression I
struggle to shake.
And, excuse my language, but that is a load of shit.
I realized I needed to find a foundation in myself.
I have becomes so engrained in doubting and questioning
myself I have lost belief in myself. I have relied on others to tell me it is
OK. I have been looking outward instead of inwards.
But through these 10 months I have learned a great deal and
grown. I need to believe in myself and know I have done what is right for me.
To solidify that and to remind myself that life is good I am
embarking on 30 days of happiness.
Every day, I will be blogging about something that I am
happy for, because even though it is raining right now and it’s the middle of
June, I have no job, or no idea what I want to do with my career, I have these
three things:
1.
My health
2.
My loved ones
3.
A place to call home
I had a friend tell me those three things when I would have anxiety
attacks and I would get so mad because I always thought he was discrediting my
emotions but now I get it. I am blessed.
So today, my happiness for today is my homework. Sounds silly, right?
Well the homework load for this semester has been ridiculous
and my classmates and I have complained. Today though I had the realization, we
are learning how to shape the minds of kids, we should have homework up the
ying yang. We should know the skills and materials we are being taught back and
forth because children’s’ well-being is in our hands and that is a beautiful
and terrifying responsibility!
So hooray for homework!
And hooray for a life where I am allowed to make mistakes
and question my life path…
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