Learning to Feel

I found out some news tonight that I really wasn't ready to hear.

I don't really think I would of ever been ready to hear it, but I knew at some point I would.

It crushed me, but I wanted to pretend it didn't.

I pretended it didn't when I found out.

I let the news settle on me and I kept functioning, kept trying to live in the moment, be present and not let it ruin the evening.

I tried, and when I was driving home I tried to not let it eat at me.

And when I got home I tried to not let it keep me up and then I realized this is it. The moment of living in the moment vs. the big life picture.

These little points in life where I can either ball up and deal with the pain or go on hiding and dodging from it.

So here is what I did.

I got ready for bed. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and got into bed.

I set a timer for five minutes. I crawled into bed, wrapped myself in blankets, grabbed a pillow turned off the lights and hit start on my timer.

I sat for five minutes with my emotions.

At first I felt nothing, I have perfected the art of feeling nothing. It is my armor when life gets tough.

And then I started feeling anxious and uncomfortable and wanted my time to be done.

Then all of the sudden I let myself relax and let myself feel. I sat and sobbed. It didn't feel good, it didn't feel cathartic but at least it is coming out and not staying bottled in me and eating away at me every minute of every day.

Life hurts. Making yourself sit down and feel true, heartbreaking emotions hurts.

I want to be strong and not feel pain. I do not want to let other people crush me, but to live is to be in relationships with others.

People are not perfect, they will hurt you and we will hurt them, not intentionally, but it happens.

So maybe instead my definition of being strong doesn't have to mean not feeling pain, instead being strong can be feeling pain, owning my pain and my hardship, the daily life struggles.

Being open and honest, vulnerable some might say.

I know this won't happen over night, but it starts with baby steps, like setting a timer for five minutes and letting yourself feel. It doesn't seem so scary when you know there is an out.

I think it really helps to then read or watch something funny. Personally I am a fan of "Best of Funny Talking Animals" on Youtube -- but really watch it if your easily entertained.

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom. -Rumi