I Am An Addict

I joined Team In Training on a whim.

Really it was a whim. I had RSVP to go to an informational meeting and didn't really know if I would go.

I actually went because at the time I was fighting with my boyfriend, I was hung over and I kind of hated life that day.

So I figured why not...

When I heard Big Sur was a option to race in I was immediately hooked. I mean its Big Sur, any long distance runner knows the glory of Big Sur.

So I pledged to raise 3,500$ for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and signed up for Big Sur.

Fast forward to the present and I have to thank my lucky stars I went to that information meeting, because not being able to run with my bad hamstring is forcing me to remember how much running has saved my life.

I was reminded of this when I read an article about Dick Beardsley.

Yeah he is the guy who raced Alberto Salazar in the famous 82' Boston Marathon but he is also a recovered drug addict.

The article mostly talked about Beardsley running career but what stood out to me was that he was a recovered drug addict.

It took me back to November 2nd, 2010.

It's not a day I really like to relive but it is burned into my memory.

The feelings of fear and anxiety come rushing back to me.

It's hard for me to find the words or the courage to write this story.

I woke up November 2nd in my bed. I didn't know how I got there. This unfortunately was not an unusual occurrence. I had become quiet use to waking up and trying to figure out where I was. I never thought of it as problem.

I had my normal head ache, my bones hurt and jaw was sore from the constant grinding of my teeth. I knew how to alleviate all this. I just had to get my ass out of bed, make some coffee, smoke a cigarette and take a bump of coke.

This was my normal morning routine.

But this morning was different. When I started looking around I realized my sheets had blood on them and I couldn't figure out where it had come from so I dragged myself to the shower to clean up and figure out where I had injured myself.

I half laughed at myself. I had just started healing from falling off a deck and my hand that I sliced open hopping over a barb wire fence finally had started to close.

But when I got in the shower I realized I had no battle wounds but the water was still running red and when I moved my hand away from my face I realized it was my nose.

Unfortunately I had also gotten use to nose bleeds, it comes with the territory of snorting drugs but this nose bleed wouldn't stop.

It just kept bleeding and then I got dizzy and started puking and the rest of the day I have no recollection of.

I had a lot of terrifying moments like this but for some reason this one scared me and I realized I had a serious problem.

I cut myself off from drugs cold turkey which was a battle all on its own and then I started running.

The first run was horrific, I took five steps and about died, but slowly I started going further and doing better.

Eventually I signed up for my first race (it was a 5k).  I shit you not, I ran it, felt like death, sat on the toilet and couldn't stop pooping (sorry runners talk a lot about poop) and broke out in hives.

But I kept running because it kept me responsible and it gave my life purpose. All I really wanted to do was say fuck it and go further down the rabbit hole but I knew staying addicted to coke was only going to ruin my life.

So I ran.

And then I decided to go back to school. I moved in with the most supportive sister a girl could ask for, I started going to therapy and Narcotics Anonymous.

And now it has been four years.

I'll be running my third marathon in 15 days with my amazing team that isn't just about running but about running for those who cannot.

I am no longer just running to save my life, but hopefully I can save other lives too.

I have a very addictive, determined, stubborn personality and I am so thankful the universe offered me a chance to use my personality in the best ways possible.

They say once an addict, always an addict and I am completely OK with being addicted to running.

"We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain" -unknown