Squeezing Lemons

I just got home and am feeling extraordinary (which I never understood that word, extra and ordinary put together, I am far from!) proud of myself! 

I stood up for myself! 

I never stand up for myself which has become apparent these last few months. These last few months I have felt walked all over by my job, by people in my life, and mostly just by life in and of itself. 

It is amazing what you can do when you decide to give life the middle finger and grow a back bone. 

My sister has always been a spectacular role model for having a back bone. She knows what she wants in life and fights for it. Many times in my life when I have not had the backbone to fight for myself or make the right choices she has been there to do it for me. 

When Jordan and I broke up she told me no more. That I could not go back to him and for some reason her saying that gave me the strength to stick to my decision to end things, to not be a fucking floor mat. 

Excuse me you cannot put your dirty shoes on me, you cannot stomp out all your shit on me and walk away. Not cool people! I am not a floor mat!!!!

So as of Thursday I had a big meeting with my bosses and I told them NO MORE!!! No more terrible job, no more terrible work environment, no more terrible stress, that I was done! Over it! No more!!!!! 

And you know what they said "but we want to keep you in the school district." 

BAM! 

It was quiet a compliment and now my boss is letting me try out different positions in the school district to see if I can find a good fit but he he said he wished me well if I found another job out of the schools. 

Like could I have a more supportive boss? This was my first step to no longer being a floor mat and it worked. 

I needed that reassurance. That I can stand up for myself and people will see my worth because damn it I am worth a lot and I may sound conceded saying that but I think people need to start embracing their worth a little bit more. 

So I finished off the week and spent a glorious weekend with friends I love! I saw Jordan (yes the ex) and he apologized for how things ended and we hashed out a lot of things we never talked about. We called it murdering the elephant in the room. Sorry mister elephant, but it gave me a sense of worth I never knew I could get back after what happen between us. 

And Not to mention going on fun adventures of snow shoeing and climbing to the top of the Broadway Bridge. 

(I am ignoring the part where two cop cars showed up and three cops and got real mad at me for climbing the bridge, whoops, my bad...it didn't have a No Trespassing Sign.) 

So finally today rolls around. I have been seeing this guy off and on since April. He is an amazing guy, we have known each other since high school. Some how we are totally the same but totally different. It has been a bit of a roller coaster of a relationship but honestly I put a lot of my heart and soul into it and really cared deeply for him. I do that, once I start seeing someone for long enough I start to care, apparently thats weird to some people. But as the relationship went on it got more tumultuous. Heres the embarrassing part, he told me not once but twice he could never love me and yet I stay with him, I still supported him, was there for him and tried to make it work. 

I tried so hard to be the perfect girl.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! 

Seriously, after everything I have been through with being treated kind of shitty I was still allowing this.  

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put up with shit and be floor mats so once in a rare while he might show he cares. 

So as work got tougher, and I started realizing I need to care for myself and needed support I started to realize I was receiving none and I started to get drained. 

And then I hit my tipping point. 

Its kind of like when you have to use fresh lemon zest and lemon juice for a recipe. 

So you get the grater out and grate the damn lemon which is tedious as all get out. Then you have to cut the lemon open and dig out the seeds so they don't contaminate the lemon juice. Then you start to squeeze. By this time in the process I am normally thoroughly annoyed with the lemon.And finally it happens the damn lemon squirts you in the eye and you lose your shit and freak on lemon,

Thats what I did, I freaked. 

But the freak out is over, the lemon has been squeezed. 

And you know what fresh lemon juice is delicious when you bake it into a delicious recipe and I like to this all this craziness will only make my life more delicious in the long run! 

So as much as I like to avoid lemons, the tough things in life, I am realizing it is worth it if you can use it to better yourself and learn more about yourself. 

Before all of this I may have questioned my self-worth...

But I am starting to realizing just how worthy I am, especially of my own love because ironically that is a thing we hold back from ourselves. At least I know I have had a hard time loving myself so it feels pretty damn good to go to bed at night and tell myself "I love you".

I  think everyone should make it a practice. 

Be Here, Now.

I haven't written in a long time...

like a seriously long time.

And I apologize for that.

It recently occurred to me, I loath my job.

And it put me in serious life slump.

Like serious, at one point I ended up at Urgent Care with an uncontrollable anxiety attack, which sounds like an oxymoron because who can actually control their anxiety attacks, but it was an attack I could not get under control for over a good two hours until I got a shot in my butt to calm me down.

Shit show.

And I blamed it on going off anti-anxiety medication and anti-depression medication, which may have played a huge role!

But I realized something after I came break for holiday break... (working for the schools I get about 2 1/2 weeks off for Christmas).

MY JOB EATS MY SOUL.

Every day I was going into work feeling like sobbing, I had no energy when I got off work for the things I enjoyed and I had no love to give for the people I cared most about. (I realize this sounds exactly like a depression awareness commercial, but honestly depression awareness commercials are right to the point on this!)

So the other day I pumped myself up, like I do every day to go to work. The first hour with my student goes amazing! I am like on my high horse thinking I am finally figuring my student out, then all hell breaks lose.

Let me tell you the acorn version.

My student freaks out because he cannot take his energy break. He runs out of the schools and off school property about four blocks away. I restrain him and carry him back to school (mind you this student is about the same size as me). By the time we reach the school I am exhausted and he is more upset then he was to begin with. So I am able to get on school property but cannot let him into the building because he is being violent and loud and I don't want him hurting other students. So as we stand outside he proceeds to kick and scream. This goes on for about ten minutes and I am trying all the tricks in my box to calm him down but he is too escalated and I had no way to radio for help. A teacher then proceeds to walk towards where we are and my heart lifts. I was thinking he was coming to help.

Nope, Wrong!

Instead he proceeds to yell and curse at my student and I. " SHUT UP, SHUT THE "F" UP, I CANNOT DO MY JOB" and then he leaves the student and I.

My student curls up in my arms sobbing and then flips and shoves me to the ground and runs away. By this time I am in shock and run to get help. Eventually I find my student hiding in a bathroom stall. I am shaken, he is distraught and I have to think very quickly how to resolve this situation that seems unresolvable.

In my mind it still is unresolvable.

Unfortunately, for the student because he has had so much trauma, in the end he was unfazed. I was still shaking but my students had shaken it off and wanted to play chess a half an hour later.

Luckily for me my boss is an understanding man and sent me home. He knew I was struggling and when I got home I felt weak, like I somehow failed.

When people asked how my day was I became a mess, I cried and explained my day, but even trying to explain it didn't do it justice. No one can understand that day unless they live it and they still might have experienced it totally different than me.

However, later on when I explained to people I was quitting my job I got asked the question "why?" a lot. I would explain my job and how hard it was but no one really could process it. A few people could that had been in my shoes but not really.

And it made me start wondering about our society.

I have worked this job or similar jobs like it for a number of years. My resume allows me excel in this area. I get paid completive wages, good benefits and have a decent schedule.

For the past few years it kept me working really hard jobs.

But I had a light bulb moment.

LIfE ISN'T ABOUT WORK!

Yeah, having a stable income is necessary and benefits are good to have BUT what about overall well-being and what makes you happy?

I am currently reading this book called "Recovering Joy", it is about finding happiness, true happiness, being content with life.

It asked last night in one of its daily practices to define what my happiness is.

It took me a really long time to answer because lately I have been living for other people. I have been living for my job and my students, I have been living for a relationship that might not treat me like I deserve. I have been putting people and activities I love aside for things that are not fully filling me.

And if one cannot be fully fulfilled how can they fulfill their need in this world?

I say I want to help people and yet I struggle every day to get out of bed. How can I be helping my students, if I am drowning too?

So what I am trying to say is:

What are we living for? What is making us happy?

I have been planning and planning out the future and enduring shitty situations in the mean time, but the future no matter what is unknown.

What needs to happen is to embrace the here and now.

Be present NOW!

It sounds so cliche but think about it. Right now I am sitting in my bed, when I close my computer I can either do what I always do, stress about tomorrow, what needs to be done and what I need to do better at or I can enjoy the softness of my pillows, the smell of my fresh sheets, the warmth my body feels snuggled into the blanket and thank the universe that I am here, now in my room, safe and warm.

Why let the unpredictable future ruin what is present?

Accept feelings and do something about the now if the now is not making you happy.

Live for the now, because the rest is unknown.

The Cliché Lesson Of Life

I haven't written in a while because I didn't slow down long enough to let myself contemplate life...

Looking back now I realize how quickly I  allowed myself to be swept back into the hectic-ness of life and honestly I wasn't concerned with it because it was all seemed positive.

The first week I was back from Costa Rica I ran my first trail run half-marathon at Smith Rock. It was a gorgeous, ass-kicking route. 

The weekend after I ran Hood To Coast with an amazing team. 

I was feeling blessed. Work started back up and everything should of felt in place, but even though I was busy and doing all the things I loved I felt stagnant. 

I came home from Costa Rica with a new perspective for life, but it only enhanced the realization that I am still getting back on my feet from the life I once had which made me want to scream. It has almost been a year now since my life radically changed. I feel silly because it is just a number but I am so excited for that one year mark. No more firsts without Jordan. No more first Christmas or Thanksgiving, I have ran many races where he is not at the finish line, I have completed so many firsts this past year without him there to cheer me on or support me when things have become tough. For me this one year mark is big because I keep proving to myself how brilliant, amazing and strong I can be.I have not only pushed forward but I have grown in ways I never expected, I have gained hobbies, passion and new relationships I would of never had if everything had stayed the same. 

And even though I am excited for this one year mark it made me realize how stagnate I felt. Nothing had actually changed since we broke up. Same job, same living situation, same everything pretty much and I wasn't OK with that. It felt as though my stagnation was eating away at my well-being. I was then dealt the news I didn't make the second cut for Peace Corps, which was a blow to my ego but deep down inside I was relived in a way. Either way this news shook me to my core and I made some drastic changes. I moved in with two close friends and told my boss I was looking for a new job which somehow got me promoted to Therapeutic Behavior Coach. For the past two months I have been trying to find my footing at in my new home and my new job. 

It has been chaotic and on top of all of it I have been marathon training and trying to keep up an all too active social life. 

(AKA I have been doing the common Rosemary mistake of going 1000 miles per hour until I crash). 

And I did crash, I crashed today. I felt it coming. I woke up early this morning and tossed and turned. My mind was racing. As I got ready for work I had this pit in my stomach. It is hard to describe but it is this anxious pit where everything in life feels like it is precariously balanced and one wrong move will make everything crumble. My crumbling moment happened when I was in a meeting with my boss and he pretty much told me to be a role model for my team, to keep my shit together when everything seems completely messed up and talk to him and as a team we will figure it out. It is hard to explain the complexity of the meeting because it is difficult to describe what I do exactly at my job, all I can say is it is fucking hard and has been literally and figuratively kicking my ass. 

I couldn't take this pressure from my boss. I wanted to scream. I don't have the capacity to work with my behavioral students and somehow seem like I have my shit together to the staff around me when my students are physically attacking me. 

I left work for the day and took my anxiety meds when I got home and looked for new jobs. My day was spent dozing in and out and looking for jobs, not really processing anything, just numbing myself enough to get through the day. 

Then I found out I didn't get into Boston Marathon, even though I made my qualifying time. 

I proceeded to convince myself that the universe was against me. 

I was really down and out and so I took the positive actions of setting an appointment for acupuncture for later in the day. When I got to the clinic the lady told me I didn't have an appointment. I about lost my shit until an acupuncturist came out and somehow had an open slot for when I was suppose to have an appointment.

I thanked the universe right then and there. 

Acupuncture allows me the time to disconnect and really hone in on life and what I need to dig deep into. I took two hours to dig and dig. As I walked home I cried and cried and realized the world doesn't owe me shit.

The world owes us, human kind, nothing. If anything we owe the world and as this realization set in I started to realize I am not on this earth for the universe to make my life pretty and perfect. 

Something instead has driven me to work with really hard individuals and honestly I am exhausted from the work and its only been  three years. I feel like I am swimming upstream as dead, stinky fish float past me and I just want to let go and float with the dead fish. 

I never wanted anything more than that today. I haven't been that low in a very long time and it scared me. I have come to far to feel so dark. 

So I told myself what I normally tell myself:

"PULL THE STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS ROSEMARY"

and I did and this is what I decided. The universe, as much as I want to believe it is out to get me, is not. The lovely universe is only teaching me lessons that I need to be taught, the universe it teaching me how to communicate, how to advocate, how to listen to myself and my needs. The universe is teaching me once again to trust my gut and listen to myself.

To slow the fuck down. 

I am always being to taught to slow down. 

Because when I look back on the past three week I have been going for it, hard, refusing to slow down even though I wasn't feeling like myself. I could feel the anxiety creeping in. I had the universe silently whispering in my ear that if I kept going at this speed I would implode.

Implode I did and now I am back to re-centering myself. 

I made these two jars that I have written on them "life" and "work". In these jars I am placing a slip of paper every day that says one thing positive that happened at work and in life. I have pulled out my "Moments of Mindfulness" book and set my alarm early so I can go for my two mile wake up jog and morning yoga practice. 

I know my job isn't going to get any easier and I may find a new job, I know nothing in life is going to get easier. We don't learn how to thrive if life is easy. The cliche saying is true, the toughest times teach the best lessons. 

Costa Rica: Pura Vida, Part 2

I feel like you are suppose to say "traveling was amazing" and never admit that all though yes, my travels were fantastic there were still moments that were hard, really hard.

Not only am I admitting that, but I expected that. I didn't go to Costa Rica solely for a vacation. I went because life at home wasn't forcing me to move beyond a certain point of stagnation I had reached.

It has almost been a year now from when I thought I had my life planned out or at least had a rough idea of the direction it was going and who I was going through life with.

Before I left for Costa Rica, I had managed to stabilize my life and myself into a functioning person, a semi-happy person that kept really busy. If I wasn't working, I was running, if I wasn't running, I was climbing, if I wasn't climbing I was going out.

I couldn't stand being still and I saw nothing wrong with that but on the inside I still didn't feel like myself. I never fully felt comfortable or relaxed. I was always searching to find something or someone to bring me peace.

When I arrived in Costa Rica I tried to keep up the same momentum but it wasn't possible. Let me explain to you why.

The farm is COMPLETELY SECLUDED!

The farm was located a bus ride away from the nearest big city, San Isidro and the tiny town, Rivas, was a two mile hike in and had one grocer, maybe 3 bars and a coffee/bakery shop.

Everyone at the farm filled their time after work by reading, playing cards, staring at birds, staring at each other, etc. I think you get the picture, if you weren't OK with doing nothing the farm could drive you insane and honestly it did the first few days.

My mind races when it has nothing to preoccupy it so for the first few days I read viciously and finished Game of Thrones, I really thought that book would last me my whole trip. After my book was done I started reading other books but I can only read so much without going whacky.

So I started running more. Walter gave me running routes around the town, down gravel roads that had hills that I am not even sure if I could call them hills they were so steep, they were these sick twisted inclines you were somehow suppose to get up without dying. (I got serious thigh power now!)

But I couldn't run all day, the hills, the heat, and the the humidity were too much. About a week in a was introduced to the river that ran behind our farm.

It was my saving grace.

Everyday after my run I would come down to the river. Sometimes I would just sit in the water, sometimes I would journal, other times read, but most of the time I would just think.

One day in particular I was having a really hard time. I was realizing that the aching feeling inside of me, the one I always had even at home was just the ache of loneliness. Costa Rica was forcing me to accept that the life I once had, the comfort I once had of knowing I alway had someone was gone and I had to toughen up and learn to embrace life alone, without a partner at least for the time being.

After I got past this hard realization I began to feel really happy, ecstatic almost and I started realizing how many amazing people I do have in my life and all the beautiful people in the world there are to meet.

But Costa Rica taught me even though there are beautiful people in my life and I get to meet these brilliant people daily, that people come in and out of our lives. Nothing is ever permanent and its a harsh reality to accept.

My first two weeks at the farm I became close to the group of WOOFers that were there, we called ourselves a family. We did everything together but they were all leaving before me. The day the last of our WOOF crew left I was sad and I was left again feeling alone. It made me realize how much I rely on having companionship and how important being in relationship with people is to me.

Instead of letting it get me down though I decided to plan my own adventures. Considering I started this trip thinking I would be doing everything solo I thought it was time I embark on my solo adventures. I planned trips to Uvita and La Fortuna and yet even on these trips I did not go alone.

I am starting to realize my personality is one to invite people in, and as new WOOFers showed up at the farm I not only invited them in, I invited them with me and I began forming a new pack.

It wasn't until my last few days in Costa Rica was I traveling alone and I went back down to my favorite beach.

There was something special about Uvita, it has an energy I cannot describe. When I was there it made me feel like I was safe.

I also met a local there that really made an impression on me. There was something about his carefree ways, humor and yet honest remarks that made me think.

I could tell he hadn't had the easiest life, he talked about his time in America, how his mom left him, his various jobs in Costa Rica. He now works at a hostel near the beach and I remember him saying nonchalantly "people come and people go" as I was talking about how sad it was that he got to meet all these people and form all these relationships for just a short period of time. Life had hardened him, I don't think there was a moment I didn't see a drink in his hand. I was lucky enough though to spend actual time with him, sober time with him, and got to know a different side and as I left Uvita to catch my bus to come home  I began to realize that my heart will always be drawn to people like him. People with the tough stories.

Costa Rica made me realize that I need to be in relationships with people. I want to share my life story with as many people as possible. I want people to feel safe with me. I want to be able to fix everything.

I am not a fixer, no one person can fix another person's life. I can alter it and show love but I cannot fix. I am accepting that and am accepting that people will not always be in my life forever. I am working on quiet times and not staying so damn busy.

It is funny actually, the day I got home I started feeling under the weather. The next day I spent the day with my sister and ran 8 miles. Essentially I came home and refused to slow down and I got really sick. It was like my body was reminding me what I learned in Costa Rica, to slow down.

I spent my first 3 days home after my first day back lying on the couch feeling like death wanting to go 100 miles per hour but my body wouldn't let me. Costa Rica taught me to be still but being home it is hard to keep practicing that lessons.

But I am going to keep practicing times of stillness and not being constantly busy. I am going to practice accepting the help of others, and knowing that I cannot fix everything.

Going to Costa Rica was a challenge, but I think being home is even more of a challenge. I miss having my hands in the soil, and spending hours watching birds and feeling like everything was alright. There was no pressure like there is here at home.

And yet I am convinced that someway it is possible to find that peace here at home with enough time and dedication to work on the lessons Costa Rica taught me.

My hope is to learn that lessons and pass it on to others to find peace within themselves and within life.

Costa Rica: Pura Vida, Part 1

It was pitch black when I woke up gasping for breath.

It was another anxiety attack of what was to come.

As I tried to slow my breathing I had to laugh at myself. Why was I was so worried to go travel by myself?

As regrouped myself and practiced my breathing exercises I slowly fell back asleep.

In the morning I awoke with the sunrise and remembered "Oh shit, I am having anxiety attacks because I am off my anxiety medication".

About 6 months ago I poured all my medications down the toilet and flushed them. Up until then I had been doing great. I was committed to living my life and accepting my feelings without meds to alter who I truly am.

I was embracing everything I felt and thought wholly instead of trying to medicate my true personality and I loved it until I had to face real anxiety.

The day I left for Costa Rica I was a nervous mess. My nervous energy was never ending. I was like a honey bee on crack buzzing around everywhere. I was annoying myself but when I finally made it to the airport I went into travel mode and thought I had started to calm down.

My flight was at midnight. I told myself I would sleep on the plane, I didn't sleep at all. When I arrived in Chicago at 5am I was exhausted and nauseas. I tried to sleep during my layover with no success. Again on my flight to San Jose sleep did not avail me.

When we landed in Costa Rica and got off the plane I was 110% overwhelmed. My Spanish is OK but far from fluent. Getting through customs, to a taxi and to the bus station was a struggle to say the least. I went into survival mode to just get to the bus that would take me to the farm I was going to work at.

Walter (the main farm hand) had emailed me earlier and told me to only take the red cabs. So when I got outside of the airport I searched for red cabs. I was bombarded with offers for rides. I am pretty sure if I could of seen my face it would of been an "my eyes are going to pop out of my head, oh shit, I am a lost gringo face". One man came up speaking english and offered to take my bag and give me a ride. Stupidly enough I nodded and walked with him. Did he drive a red taxi? Oh no, of course not, it was a big white creeper van and I realized I fucked up. I was trying to figure out if he was legit or not as we loaded my stuff into the creeper van. I climbed in the van and prayed to my lucky stars I wouldn't get kidnapped. As he drove me he danced and sprayed cologne on himself the entire way. By the end I convinced myself he was trying to suffocating me to death with Axe body spray, but that is all that went wrong because he dropped me off at the bus station, Musoc, and wished me well.

At the bus station I somehow got the right ticket for the right bus.

(Costa Rica's bus system is the most ridiculous, complicated system I have ever seen. Seriously, its like a sick game of hide and seek and once you are on the bus they take like a minimum of 3 hours to get anywhere.)

Before the bus came I had a minor breakdown/freak out. I was starting to believe I had made a terrible choice coming here by myself. I missed home and my comfort zone but I was quickly shaken out of my freak out because I had to board the bus. The bus ride was a good 4 hours of curving, winding hills but I was in awe of lush, green landscape Costa Rica had to offer. There was pure feeling about passing through the hills that gave me a sense of serenity.

When I arrived in San Isidro (the town closest to where the farm was) Walter picked me up. I had no idea what to expect and I did not expect a bald german man who was, well a rather rough around the edges. He was nice enough as he drove me to the farm and showed me around but I could tell he was "take no shit" kind of person. As we walked around the farm he looked at me and he eventually stopped and looked at me and told me to go to bed. I was rather taken back but I realized he probably understood how exhausted I was.

I fell asleep early that night completely overwhelmed, sweating and swatting bugs away. All I could think was "what have I gotten myself in to?"

Fast forward to 33 days later (I'll fill in stories of those 33 days later in more blogs to come) I was sitting at Tracopa, yet another bus station, crying (again) not because I was overwhelmed but because saying good-bye was too hard to do.

I had made a family in Costa Rica and a new way life that embraced my weird quirks and odd personality.

 

Walter, the blunt German, quickly became like an Uncle to me. I cherish the days we spent wandering in the garden and the coffee dates where he would give the best life advice without even knowing it. I miss his abrasive terms and how he called everything "shit!" He always seemed to have answer for every dilemma, normally it was "eat a banana" but eating a banana never failed.

The other farmers, (Courtney, Gloria, Sara, Arthur, Sarah, Annie, Ari) all taught me something beautiful. They taught me to love myself, flaws and all. When your stuck on a farm for a month with little to do after work hours you talk, honestly and openly. They gave me a chance to be vulnerable and they embraced my story and loved me. They taught me to never let fear make my decisions and to try everything, yes EVERYTHING, at least once. I learned to always ask questions and never be afraid to speak what is on my mind.

The locals showed me how friendly people can be and at the same time how blunt people can be. They always spoke what was on their mind and I came to appreciate that because the guessing game was taken out of the picture. If a local wanted to say something they just came out and said it, but their outgoing, friendly nature made their brash ways non-intimidating. I was out to drink with a local I became close with and as we chatted he looked at me and said "you know, you are weird sometimes" and I cannot help but laugh because that it true Costa Rican culture.

Every day I would go on a run through different parts of the tiny town I was staying in. Every day people would wave and say "Buenos Dias" or "Pura Vida"or if you looked completely lost at the bus station someone would always try and help (even if they had no clue what I was talking about). They taught me to smile and laugh without hesitation and to live in the moment.

When I planned my trip to Costa Rica I was hoping it was have an effect on my entire life, I left searching to find myself, to reconnect with the girl that was lost and harden from one hell of a bad year. I could of never guessed it would change my whole demeanor and allow me to gain a whole new acceptance and love for who I am.  

Chasing Sensations

I some how ended up going to yoga for overweight individuals.

I have no idea how I did that, apparently I need to read the class description better next time. The class was not physically strenuous but the teacher taught the class in a way that made you connect your body to the ground (all we did was floor poses) in a way I had never practiced before.

She told us to yield to the ground, to learn to work with gravity and how your body responds to gravity.

As we were working through poses she would ask us where our bodies where in relation to the ground, were we working with the ground or pushing away from the ground? Were we searching for a new kind of sensation, instead of settling and being comfortable relying on the ground for stability.

She proceeded to go on a ten minute tangent about how as human kind we are constantly looking for sensations, sensations make us feel alive.

This brought me back to a previous conversation I had earlier in the week with a friend (who also likes to push boundaries) about why we must test fate and taunt death to feel alive.

I came up with that I enjoy being able to see how far my body can go, how far I can push myself. I feel alive when I know my body is not a limitation.

But I do not honestly know if that is what it is...what is it about experiencing sensations and the need to feel that makes us go to extremes?

And beyond that how is "extreme" defined?  Extremes are extremely (pun!) individualistic.

For example, my friend who I was talking with earlier this week loves the idea of high lining and then jumping off the middle of it in a flying squirrel suit.

The idea intrigues me but my idea of extreme is vastly different. I love the idea of running an ultra marathon as my extreme.

And because are ideas of extremes and how we chase sensations are so vastly different, does that make how we connect to one another different?

We will ever fully grasp the other person's perspective?

The sensations that we chase and how we achieve those sensations greatly defines humans as they are.

Are we more drawn to people who chase sensations similarly?

The past 7 months I have been on a journey to redefine and reconnect with my whole self, this has led me on many adventures and experiences and I truly believe people are drawn together who have similar extremes which create the sensation that they need.

It may sound weird, the term "sensation" is a strange way to explain anything, but for me sensations are the way we feel alive.

My yoga teacher told me to work with gravity and yield to the ground, but when we yield how does that make us feel alive?

There needs to a steady tension between healthy yielding and knowing when to keep pushing, because without that where is the point in living?

"The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain" -Lord Byron

PDE: Public Display of Emotion

Public display of emotion, what so wrong with it? 

Why is it when someone has a big emotion people look and stare and then shuffle away and whisper about what they have just witnessed.

The other day I was walking downtown and a man, who appeared to be a business man, he was nicely dressed and seemed to be put together, was excitedly jumping around and celebrating. 

I watched as people shuffled around and commentated. I heard a few chuckles and a few comments saying the man was crazy. I could see maybe calling him crazy if he looked homeless, because that would be all to stereotypical. 

But a man, a business man, celebrating in public...does that make him crazy?

What about public displays of emotion makes people so uncomfortable? 

I atteneded Dane's funeral today. 

It was heart wrenching. Dane was a Portland Police Office and the funeral had the ceremonial traditions for any fallen officer. So the funeral opened with bag pipes and closed with bag pipes playing Amazing Grace. 

It was really emotional, I found myself holding my breath and biting my lip to keep the tears from streaming down my face and as I looked around everyone else was doing something similar. We were all choking back the tears. 

When the ceremony ended, I was talking to my sister, who also attended the funeral. 

I had a slew of random questions like,

-How often do you think the bag pipe players practice?

-Is that their only job?

-How long do you think they have been playing together?

I had to explain myself because the questions were a bit random. I admitted that instead of sitting with the pain of thinking about Dane, I let my mind be distracted with useless questions that kept me from breaking down.

Even after the funeral, as Dane's wife and children walked out, they kept it together, they were stoic.

We are taught to be stoic when faced with tragedy. 

But I don't understand why. 

Why do we make all our emotions to be all one, long stagnant, linear line? Where does that get us? 

When are we allowed to outwardly celebrate or grieve?

I don't believe masking our emotions gets us anywhere. I think keeping emotions to a minimum creates adverse emotional health affects. 

When I came home I felt exhausted and angry. I wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. I curled up and hid. 

Later in the day I had to go to the Post Office to figure out a shipping conundrum. As I spoke with the employee helping me I became emotional, tears brimmed my eyes and as I left I broke down and sobbed in my car. 

But I made sure I kept it contained until I made it to my car, because no one wants to see someone sobbing. That is a no no in the social etiquette book. 

I wasn't upset at the Post Office (well, I was a little but not enough to cry over it). All my emotions that I bottled up from the morning at Dane's funeral came pouring out and after I let myself sit with the pain and my tears I began to feel better. I began to feel at peace. 

I went to yoga right after and was able to confine in a close friend my day and my emotions. I was able to display emotions publicly and it was cathartic. 

Now that I look back on my day I am remembering what my old, wise therapist use to tell me when I was overcoming the loss of Jordan. 

She told me: "Ride your emotions like a wave, you cannot out run the wave, it will eventually catch you, so sit in the wave and ride it until it comes to the shore". 

I always understood and appreciated this idea, but I think I understand it more after today. I have been  practicing riding the wave, but always in the comfort of my own home, where no one can see me and I don't have to show my vulnerable side but it is coming to my attention that I need to be able to ride the wave in public. 

I realize certain times it is not possible to publicly display my emotions, but I think most times it is OK. As a society we have engrained in ourselves that we must keep emotions bottled up and keep moving forward. 

Emotions in our society are not seen as productive and lucrative, they are hinderance but I coming to believe emotions are the foundation to be fully human. 

How can we interact and live within a community when we cannot even be emotionally open and honest?

It goes against the grain but I believe we need to start publicly displaying our emotions, the good and the bad. 

If I want to cheer because I found out good news, than damn it I will or if I need to cry I am going to, because life is beautiful and emotions are the essence of the soul. 

We cannot keep covering them because it makes people feel uncomfortable or because they seem unproductive. 

Be gentle first with yourself - if you wish to be gentle with others. -Lama Yeshe