I stood up for myself!
I never stand up for myself which has become apparent these last few months. These last few months I have felt walked all over by my job, by people in my life, and mostly just by life in and of itself.
It is amazing what you can do when you decide to give life the middle finger and grow a back bone.
My sister has always been a spectacular role model for having a back bone. She knows what she wants in life and fights for it. Many times in my life when I have not had the backbone to fight for myself or make the right choices she has been there to do it for me.
When Jordan and I broke up she told me no more. That I could not go back to him and for some reason her saying that gave me the strength to stick to my decision to end things, to not be a fucking floor mat.
Excuse me you cannot put your dirty shoes on me, you cannot stomp out all your shit on me and walk away. Not cool people! I am not a floor mat!!!!
So as of Thursday I had a big meeting with my bosses and I told them NO MORE!!! No more terrible job, no more terrible work environment, no more terrible stress, that I was done! Over it! No more!!!!!
And you know what they said "but we want to keep you in the school district."
BAM!
It was quiet a compliment and now my boss is letting me try out different positions in the school district to see if I can find a good fit but he he said he wished me well if I found another job out of the schools.
Like could I have a more supportive boss? This was my first step to no longer being a floor mat and it worked.
I needed that reassurance. That I can stand up for myself and people will see my worth because damn it I am worth a lot and I may sound conceded saying that but I think people need to start embracing their worth a little bit more.
So I finished off the week and spent a glorious weekend with friends I love! I saw Jordan (yes the ex) and he apologized for how things ended and we hashed out a lot of things we never talked about. We called it murdering the elephant in the room. Sorry mister elephant, but it gave me a sense of worth I never knew I could get back after what happen between us.
And Not to mention going on fun adventures of snow shoeing and climbing to the top of the Broadway Bridge.
(I am ignoring the part where two cop cars showed up and three cops and got real mad at me for climbing the bridge, whoops, my bad...it didn't have a No Trespassing Sign.)
So finally today rolls around. I have been seeing this guy off and on since April. He is an amazing guy, we have known each other since high school. Some how we are totally the same but totally different. It has been a bit of a roller coaster of a relationship but honestly I put a lot of my heart and soul into it and really cared deeply for him. I do that, once I start seeing someone for long enough I start to care, apparently thats weird to some people. But as the relationship went on it got more tumultuous. Heres the embarrassing part, he told me not once but twice he could never love me and yet I stay with him, I still supported him, was there for him and tried to make it work.
I tried so hard to be the perfect girl.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!
Seriously, after everything I have been through with being treated kind of shitty I was still allowing this.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put up with shit and be floor mats so once in a rare while he might show he cares.
So as work got tougher, and I started realizing I need to care for myself and needed support I started to realize I was receiving none and I started to get drained.
And then I hit my tipping point.
Its kind of like when you have to use fresh lemon zest and lemon juice for a recipe.
So you get the grater out and grate the damn lemon which is tedious as all get out. Then you have to cut the lemon open and dig out the seeds so they don't contaminate the lemon juice. Then you start to squeeze. By this time in the process I am normally thoroughly annoyed with the lemon.And finally it happens the damn lemon squirts you in the eye and you lose your shit and freak on lemon,
Thats what I did, I freaked.
But the freak out is over, the lemon has been squeezed.
And you know what fresh lemon juice is delicious when you bake it into a delicious recipe and I like to this all this craziness will only make my life more delicious in the long run!
So as much as I like to avoid lemons, the tough things in life, I am realizing it is worth it if you can use it to better yourself and learn more about yourself.
Before all of this I may have questioned my self-worth...
But I am starting to realizing just how worthy I am, especially of my own love because ironically that is a thing we hold back from ourselves. At least I know I have had a hard time loving myself so it feels pretty damn good to go to bed at night and tell myself "I love you".
I think everyone should make it a practice.
No comments:
Post a Comment