Costa Rica: Pura Vida, Part 2

I feel like you are suppose to say "traveling was amazing" and never admit that all though yes, my travels were fantastic there were still moments that were hard, really hard.

Not only am I admitting that, but I expected that. I didn't go to Costa Rica solely for a vacation. I went because life at home wasn't forcing me to move beyond a certain point of stagnation I had reached.

It has almost been a year now from when I thought I had my life planned out or at least had a rough idea of the direction it was going and who I was going through life with.

Before I left for Costa Rica, I had managed to stabilize my life and myself into a functioning person, a semi-happy person that kept really busy. If I wasn't working, I was running, if I wasn't running, I was climbing, if I wasn't climbing I was going out.

I couldn't stand being still and I saw nothing wrong with that but on the inside I still didn't feel like myself. I never fully felt comfortable or relaxed. I was always searching to find something or someone to bring me peace.

When I arrived in Costa Rica I tried to keep up the same momentum but it wasn't possible. Let me explain to you why.

The farm is COMPLETELY SECLUDED!

The farm was located a bus ride away from the nearest big city, San Isidro and the tiny town, Rivas, was a two mile hike in and had one grocer, maybe 3 bars and a coffee/bakery shop.

Everyone at the farm filled their time after work by reading, playing cards, staring at birds, staring at each other, etc. I think you get the picture, if you weren't OK with doing nothing the farm could drive you insane and honestly it did the first few days.

My mind races when it has nothing to preoccupy it so for the first few days I read viciously and finished Game of Thrones, I really thought that book would last me my whole trip. After my book was done I started reading other books but I can only read so much without going whacky.

So I started running more. Walter gave me running routes around the town, down gravel roads that had hills that I am not even sure if I could call them hills they were so steep, they were these sick twisted inclines you were somehow suppose to get up without dying. (I got serious thigh power now!)

But I couldn't run all day, the hills, the heat, and the the humidity were too much. About a week in a was introduced to the river that ran behind our farm.

It was my saving grace.

Everyday after my run I would come down to the river. Sometimes I would just sit in the water, sometimes I would journal, other times read, but most of the time I would just think.

One day in particular I was having a really hard time. I was realizing that the aching feeling inside of me, the one I always had even at home was just the ache of loneliness. Costa Rica was forcing me to accept that the life I once had, the comfort I once had of knowing I alway had someone was gone and I had to toughen up and learn to embrace life alone, without a partner at least for the time being.

After I got past this hard realization I began to feel really happy, ecstatic almost and I started realizing how many amazing people I do have in my life and all the beautiful people in the world there are to meet.

But Costa Rica taught me even though there are beautiful people in my life and I get to meet these brilliant people daily, that people come in and out of our lives. Nothing is ever permanent and its a harsh reality to accept.

My first two weeks at the farm I became close to the group of WOOFers that were there, we called ourselves a family. We did everything together but they were all leaving before me. The day the last of our WOOF crew left I was sad and I was left again feeling alone. It made me realize how much I rely on having companionship and how important being in relationship with people is to me.

Instead of letting it get me down though I decided to plan my own adventures. Considering I started this trip thinking I would be doing everything solo I thought it was time I embark on my solo adventures. I planned trips to Uvita and La Fortuna and yet even on these trips I did not go alone.

I am starting to realize my personality is one to invite people in, and as new WOOFers showed up at the farm I not only invited them in, I invited them with me and I began forming a new pack.

It wasn't until my last few days in Costa Rica was I traveling alone and I went back down to my favorite beach.

There was something special about Uvita, it has an energy I cannot describe. When I was there it made me feel like I was safe.

I also met a local there that really made an impression on me. There was something about his carefree ways, humor and yet honest remarks that made me think.

I could tell he hadn't had the easiest life, he talked about his time in America, how his mom left him, his various jobs in Costa Rica. He now works at a hostel near the beach and I remember him saying nonchalantly "people come and people go" as I was talking about how sad it was that he got to meet all these people and form all these relationships for just a short period of time. Life had hardened him, I don't think there was a moment I didn't see a drink in his hand. I was lucky enough though to spend actual time with him, sober time with him, and got to know a different side and as I left Uvita to catch my bus to come home  I began to realize that my heart will always be drawn to people like him. People with the tough stories.

Costa Rica made me realize that I need to be in relationships with people. I want to share my life story with as many people as possible. I want people to feel safe with me. I want to be able to fix everything.

I am not a fixer, no one person can fix another person's life. I can alter it and show love but I cannot fix. I am accepting that and am accepting that people will not always be in my life forever. I am working on quiet times and not staying so damn busy.

It is funny actually, the day I got home I started feeling under the weather. The next day I spent the day with my sister and ran 8 miles. Essentially I came home and refused to slow down and I got really sick. It was like my body was reminding me what I learned in Costa Rica, to slow down.

I spent my first 3 days home after my first day back lying on the couch feeling like death wanting to go 100 miles per hour but my body wouldn't let me. Costa Rica taught me to be still but being home it is hard to keep practicing that lessons.

But I am going to keep practicing times of stillness and not being constantly busy. I am going to practice accepting the help of others, and knowing that I cannot fix everything.

Going to Costa Rica was a challenge, but I think being home is even more of a challenge. I miss having my hands in the soil, and spending hours watching birds and feeling like everything was alright. There was no pressure like there is here at home.

And yet I am convinced that someway it is possible to find that peace here at home with enough time and dedication to work on the lessons Costa Rica taught me.

My hope is to learn that lessons and pass it on to others to find peace within themselves and within life.