Be Here, Now.

I haven't written in a long time...

like a seriously long time.

And I apologize for that.

It recently occurred to me, I loath my job.

And it put me in serious life slump.

Like serious, at one point I ended up at Urgent Care with an uncontrollable anxiety attack, which sounds like an oxymoron because who can actually control their anxiety attacks, but it was an attack I could not get under control for over a good two hours until I got a shot in my butt to calm me down.

Shit show.

And I blamed it on going off anti-anxiety medication and anti-depression medication, which may have played a huge role!

But I realized something after I came break for holiday break... (working for the schools I get about 2 1/2 weeks off for Christmas).

MY JOB EATS MY SOUL.

Every day I was going into work feeling like sobbing, I had no energy when I got off work for the things I enjoyed and I had no love to give for the people I cared most about. (I realize this sounds exactly like a depression awareness commercial, but honestly depression awareness commercials are right to the point on this!)

So the other day I pumped myself up, like I do every day to go to work. The first hour with my student goes amazing! I am like on my high horse thinking I am finally figuring my student out, then all hell breaks lose.

Let me tell you the acorn version.

My student freaks out because he cannot take his energy break. He runs out of the schools and off school property about four blocks away. I restrain him and carry him back to school (mind you this student is about the same size as me). By the time we reach the school I am exhausted and he is more upset then he was to begin with. So I am able to get on school property but cannot let him into the building because he is being violent and loud and I don't want him hurting other students. So as we stand outside he proceeds to kick and scream. This goes on for about ten minutes and I am trying all the tricks in my box to calm him down but he is too escalated and I had no way to radio for help. A teacher then proceeds to walk towards where we are and my heart lifts. I was thinking he was coming to help.

Nope, Wrong!

Instead he proceeds to yell and curse at my student and I. " SHUT UP, SHUT THE "F" UP, I CANNOT DO MY JOB" and then he leaves the student and I.

My student curls up in my arms sobbing and then flips and shoves me to the ground and runs away. By this time I am in shock and run to get help. Eventually I find my student hiding in a bathroom stall. I am shaken, he is distraught and I have to think very quickly how to resolve this situation that seems unresolvable.

In my mind it still is unresolvable.

Unfortunately, for the student because he has had so much trauma, in the end he was unfazed. I was still shaking but my students had shaken it off and wanted to play chess a half an hour later.

Luckily for me my boss is an understanding man and sent me home. He knew I was struggling and when I got home I felt weak, like I somehow failed.

When people asked how my day was I became a mess, I cried and explained my day, but even trying to explain it didn't do it justice. No one can understand that day unless they live it and they still might have experienced it totally different than me.

However, later on when I explained to people I was quitting my job I got asked the question "why?" a lot. I would explain my job and how hard it was but no one really could process it. A few people could that had been in my shoes but not really.

And it made me start wondering about our society.

I have worked this job or similar jobs like it for a number of years. My resume allows me excel in this area. I get paid completive wages, good benefits and have a decent schedule.

For the past few years it kept me working really hard jobs.

But I had a light bulb moment.

LIfE ISN'T ABOUT WORK!

Yeah, having a stable income is necessary and benefits are good to have BUT what about overall well-being and what makes you happy?

I am currently reading this book called "Recovering Joy", it is about finding happiness, true happiness, being content with life.

It asked last night in one of its daily practices to define what my happiness is.

It took me a really long time to answer because lately I have been living for other people. I have been living for my job and my students, I have been living for a relationship that might not treat me like I deserve. I have been putting people and activities I love aside for things that are not fully filling me.

And if one cannot be fully fulfilled how can they fulfill their need in this world?

I say I want to help people and yet I struggle every day to get out of bed. How can I be helping my students, if I am drowning too?

So what I am trying to say is:

What are we living for? What is making us happy?

I have been planning and planning out the future and enduring shitty situations in the mean time, but the future no matter what is unknown.

What needs to happen is to embrace the here and now.

Be present NOW!

It sounds so cliche but think about it. Right now I am sitting in my bed, when I close my computer I can either do what I always do, stress about tomorrow, what needs to be done and what I need to do better at or I can enjoy the softness of my pillows, the smell of my fresh sheets, the warmth my body feels snuggled into the blanket and thank the universe that I am here, now in my room, safe and warm.

Why let the unpredictable future ruin what is present?

Accept feelings and do something about the now if the now is not making you happy.

Live for the now, because the rest is unknown.