I can do it myself....or can I?

The last two times I wrote was about being lost and the affect being lost had on me, or what I thought the affect was.

Since then every time I have sat down to write I have stared blankly into space, at times I have scribbled words down but nothing felt right. In all honesty the last 5 months since being lost, nothing has felt right. And within those five months I continually refused to believe that one day could turn my life upside down, could shake me to my core so greatly that I lost sight of who I was and how to function in a way where I lived for joy and not just to make it through the next day.

About two months ago I started going to therapy because I just wasn’t happy but I didn’t want to believe it was because of what happened in Canyonlands. I went to therapy because I recognizing things in myself I did not want to see. I had this need for total control, I was constantly on edge, happiness was a far away I thought, the things I once loved doing became a struggle for me. (Yes I realize this sounds like a commercial for depression) Luckily for me I had people who stood by my side and helped me as I struggled (you know who you are) and through this constant floundering I have realized something:

I cannot always do it myself.

My significant other, Dwayne, and I have a running joke that I am always saying “I can do it myself”.  For the past 4 months he has stood patiently as I have struggled with priding myself with my fierce independence and learning that sometimes it is OK to need others.

That is the part that is the hardest since being lost. I so fiercely wanted to be independent before I was lost, I did not want to need anyone. I could do it myself. I didn’t want anyone to have control over me. I wanted to be me in all my glory. Well the desert had a different story for me.

My therapist is having me retell my story through emotions, she is having me identify what I felt through each stage and the sights, the sounds, everything that affected me and then after she asks me my present emotions, how I feel about it currently.

Through this process I am able to work through my anger that no one understands, my anger towards myself, my fear of hiking and rock cairns, the presumption that the desert took away my identity.  

I am learning to accept my emotions and through accepting my emotions tiny miracles have happened. I finally got to see my brother over the holidays and I talked about working through my trauma, he gave me sound advice as tears tumbled onto his cheeks, he was the first person I saw show emotion for my journey. His tears, his emotion, his love, validated me in my story.  For once I didn’t feel like a glorified story of a dumb girl who got lost in the desert. And through this, I am learning to accept my story and the trauma I have to work through.

I still have anger in the pit of my stomach, I have a this yearning for people to understand what I am going through but realistically I know that will not happen.

However I am now beginning to understand it is ok to not always having to do it myself.

There is a love and glory in this world I am finally being able to see again and the joy of living day to day is finally returning.

Here, here to 2017 and 30 days of blogging.