Constant=Change

The only constant in life is change.

This saying is everywhere and I hear it over and over again.

And every time change is about to happen in my life my tummy gets all wobbly and I can’t ever feel fully grounded.

My initial reaction is to push back, to stay stagnant. I try and find any excuse to keep things from changing.

However looking back on my past there are things I know that NEEDED to change and yet I refused to admit that and kept the same path for far too long. Relationships, living situations, bad habits and I’m sure there are a range of other things that I refused to change for a long time.

And then I did something and started creating change in my life. I started speaking up when I felt complacent; I started pushing for self-betterment and personal growth.

And honestly it has made me feel like a spiraling tornado that is creating chaos everywhere I go. Nothing in my life is settled and I feel like my unsettled nature can be detrimental for those around me. I never want my journey of self-discovery to hurt anyone or anything.

Since September I started a new job at Vernon opening a behavior classroom then proceeded to quit that job, got a job working for Portland Roasting Coffee stayed employed with them through the end of December and am now working at Lincoln Elementary. I also moved into a new place in December and oh yeah, started my Masters program.

I give myself a headache just thinking about the changes I have been going through and then I think about all the people who have helped and supported me. Phew. I am beyond grateful for what everyone has done and the support I have received. I wake up wondering how I have been so blessed.

But I also wake up with that question “at what cost am I willing to pay to find myself”? Is there ever a time where I should just slow down and accept life as it is? Is accepting life the same as giving up? Or is there a grace in finding pleasure in what is?

I feel like any wise teacher would tell me it is a balance.

And maybe in time I will find that balance.

But for now I have no answers.

I question if I should keep working on discovering myself and making changes or if I should accept life as it is and let the universe make the necessary changes for me.

Since I know I cannot get away from change because as I have been told:

The only constant in life is change.