Chasing Sensations

I some how ended up going to yoga for overweight individuals.

I have no idea how I did that, apparently I need to read the class description better next time. The class was not physically strenuous but the teacher taught the class in a way that made you connect your body to the ground (all we did was floor poses) in a way I had never practiced before.

She told us to yield to the ground, to learn to work with gravity and how your body responds to gravity.

As we were working through poses she would ask us where our bodies where in relation to the ground, were we working with the ground or pushing away from the ground? Were we searching for a new kind of sensation, instead of settling and being comfortable relying on the ground for stability.

She proceeded to go on a ten minute tangent about how as human kind we are constantly looking for sensations, sensations make us feel alive.

This brought me back to a previous conversation I had earlier in the week with a friend (who also likes to push boundaries) about why we must test fate and taunt death to feel alive.

I came up with that I enjoy being able to see how far my body can go, how far I can push myself. I feel alive when I know my body is not a limitation.

But I do not honestly know if that is what it is...what is it about experiencing sensations and the need to feel that makes us go to extremes?

And beyond that how is "extreme" defined?  Extremes are extremely (pun!) individualistic.

For example, my friend who I was talking with earlier this week loves the idea of high lining and then jumping off the middle of it in a flying squirrel suit.

The idea intrigues me but my idea of extreme is vastly different. I love the idea of running an ultra marathon as my extreme.

And because are ideas of extremes and how we chase sensations are so vastly different, does that make how we connect to one another different?

We will ever fully grasp the other person's perspective?

The sensations that we chase and how we achieve those sensations greatly defines humans as they are.

Are we more drawn to people who chase sensations similarly?

The past 7 months I have been on a journey to redefine and reconnect with my whole self, this has led me on many adventures and experiences and I truly believe people are drawn together who have similar extremes which create the sensation that they need.

It may sound weird, the term "sensation" is a strange way to explain anything, but for me sensations are the way we feel alive.

My yoga teacher told me to work with gravity and yield to the ground, but when we yield how does that make us feel alive?

There needs to a steady tension between healthy yielding and knowing when to keep pushing, because without that where is the point in living?

"The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain" -Lord Byron

PDE: Public Display of Emotion

Public display of emotion, what so wrong with it? 

Why is it when someone has a big emotion people look and stare and then shuffle away and whisper about what they have just witnessed.

The other day I was walking downtown and a man, who appeared to be a business man, he was nicely dressed and seemed to be put together, was excitedly jumping around and celebrating. 

I watched as people shuffled around and commentated. I heard a few chuckles and a few comments saying the man was crazy. I could see maybe calling him crazy if he looked homeless, because that would be all to stereotypical. 

But a man, a business man, celebrating in public...does that make him crazy?

What about public displays of emotion makes people so uncomfortable? 

I atteneded Dane's funeral today. 

It was heart wrenching. Dane was a Portland Police Office and the funeral had the ceremonial traditions for any fallen officer. So the funeral opened with bag pipes and closed with bag pipes playing Amazing Grace. 

It was really emotional, I found myself holding my breath and biting my lip to keep the tears from streaming down my face and as I looked around everyone else was doing something similar. We were all choking back the tears. 

When the ceremony ended, I was talking to my sister, who also attended the funeral. 

I had a slew of random questions like,

-How often do you think the bag pipe players practice?

-Is that their only job?

-How long do you think they have been playing together?

I had to explain myself because the questions were a bit random. I admitted that instead of sitting with the pain of thinking about Dane, I let my mind be distracted with useless questions that kept me from breaking down.

Even after the funeral, as Dane's wife and children walked out, they kept it together, they were stoic.

We are taught to be stoic when faced with tragedy. 

But I don't understand why. 

Why do we make all our emotions to be all one, long stagnant, linear line? Where does that get us? 

When are we allowed to outwardly celebrate or grieve?

I don't believe masking our emotions gets us anywhere. I think keeping emotions to a minimum creates adverse emotional health affects. 

When I came home I felt exhausted and angry. I wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. I curled up and hid. 

Later in the day I had to go to the Post Office to figure out a shipping conundrum. As I spoke with the employee helping me I became emotional, tears brimmed my eyes and as I left I broke down and sobbed in my car. 

But I made sure I kept it contained until I made it to my car, because no one wants to see someone sobbing. That is a no no in the social etiquette book. 

I wasn't upset at the Post Office (well, I was a little but not enough to cry over it). All my emotions that I bottled up from the morning at Dane's funeral came pouring out and after I let myself sit with the pain and my tears I began to feel better. I began to feel at peace. 

I went to yoga right after and was able to confine in a close friend my day and my emotions. I was able to display emotions publicly and it was cathartic. 

Now that I look back on my day I am remembering what my old, wise therapist use to tell me when I was overcoming the loss of Jordan. 

She told me: "Ride your emotions like a wave, you cannot out run the wave, it will eventually catch you, so sit in the wave and ride it until it comes to the shore". 

I always understood and appreciated this idea, but I think I understand it more after today. I have been  practicing riding the wave, but always in the comfort of my own home, where no one can see me and I don't have to show my vulnerable side but it is coming to my attention that I need to be able to ride the wave in public. 

I realize certain times it is not possible to publicly display my emotions, but I think most times it is OK. As a society we have engrained in ourselves that we must keep emotions bottled up and keep moving forward. 

Emotions in our society are not seen as productive and lucrative, they are hinderance but I coming to believe emotions are the foundation to be fully human. 

How can we interact and live within a community when we cannot even be emotionally open and honest?

It goes against the grain but I believe we need to start publicly displaying our emotions, the good and the bad. 

If I want to cheer because I found out good news, than damn it I will or if I need to cry I am going to, because life is beautiful and emotions are the essence of the soul. 

We cannot keep covering them because it makes people feel uncomfortable or because they seem unproductive. 

Be gentle first with yourself - if you wish to be gentle with others. -Lama Yeshe 

Uncertainty: (noun), The State of Hesitancy

I tried writing a few times since the marathon but all the came out was random jumbles of emotion and intellect that made zero sense to anyone that was not inside my head. 

Frankly, it made little sense to me and I am in my own head all the damn time.

So I am trying again because life has a funny way of teaching lessons through the simplest of things. 

I was at yoga tonight. I have fallen in love with this new yoga teacher. She is very grounded and teaches in such a way that reminds me to stay grounded.

Ironically enough today she spoke most poientely about uncertainty.  

She said "uncertainty is the start for adventure, uncertainty is the starting place for life" 

Uncertainty has been the theme for my past week. 

As we all know by now after reading my blog I am an anxious person and I don't necessarily do well with change. It freaks me out.

I actually just threw up all over my shower from my anxiety. (It was gross I had to pick lettuce from my drain.) 

What is causing all this anxiety you may wonder...

I graduated on Saturday. I realize this should be a time for celebration and excitement but it was the exact opposite for me. I tuned inward, became stressed, anxious and slightly depressed. 

I love learning and school has always been something I had to fall back on. It was like running for me. 

If I can have my head in a book I am content. (I am that awkward extroverted introvert that is happy with people as long as I have the fall back plan of a book that sits idly waiting in my pursue for any moment I start to feel socially inept - I actually have 3 books in my pursue right now)

So graduation, as exciting of a time as it is, I actually hate it and I HATE the question "what is your next step?"

Excuse my language but fuck you, that is how the question makes me feel, it makes me want to say fuck you and walk away because I have no idea what is next and really, does anything have to be next?

Why do we always have to have a plan? 

Guess what people, most plans that we put in place don't even work out. The universe has a much bigger picture for us out there then we could ever imagine.

And I remind myself of this, especially after I get over my anxious vomiting sessions.  

If I was still on "my plan" I would still be dating Jordan, I would probably be moving to Michigan, I would still be giving up many life adventures that I would of never had if I stuck with "my plan". 

Life didn't let me stick with my plan.

Don't get me wrong, this past week I have thought about Jordan and how comfortable and easy it was. I thought about our old bed and how easy it would be to curl up in it and be comfortable and not push myself to the next step. A tiny bit of me misses that comfort but 99.9% of me is excited for the next step.

It is terrifying knowing that I am going it alone, there isn't my counterpart to go through this adventure with me but I am learning to embrace that (sort of). 

I still get anxious and would love to not go it alone but I know in good time when I am strong in myself and strong in the fact that the universe has a plan that I must be willing to lean into that I won't always feel alone. 

I know I am not alone right now. I have lots of people in my life surrounding me and loving me but it is hard to see because they won't come with me for every step I make. 

Every step I am making is changing my life (and inadvertently also changing others) but these are my steps and I am leading the way. 

I think when we realize how much and how little control we have over our lives we all kind of get freaked out. 

Society tells us to have a plan and to have the answer but no one ever does. 

I saw one of my favorite professors at graduation sitting perched on a ledge looking scholarly. I was ecstatic to see him, he has had a huge impact on my life and when I saw him he said very little to me but he did reaffirm his belief in me when he said "Now go and change the world" 

He believes in my ability to change the world, he sees a part of me I cannot even see but with that he gives me the courage and strength to keep taking steps forward and not letting my apprehensions, fears and anxiety get the best of me as I start yet another chapter in my life. 

I may still get the anxious throw ups and I may still struggle with accepting uncertainty but if there is one thing I know is that we are all connected to this world, our feet are what ground us, we are all roots growing up into this universe that has a brilliant plan that will nourish us and let us flourish if we allow it. 

"Detach from needing to have thing work out a certain way. The universe is perfect and there are no failures. Give yourself the gift of detaching from your worries and trust that everything is happening perfectly" -Orin 

Running The Big Sur

I ran the Big Sur Marathon yesterday, so naturally I have to blog about it.

The whole experience was a whirl wind. Leading up to it I was convinced my body was telling me NOT to do. 

I had (well have, back to stage one of healing) a serious hamstring strain and 4 days before the race I got a nasty head cold but I am stubborn and refused to let anything stop me. 

Luckily I had outside strength to support me. My spectacular sister and niece surprised me and came with me down to the race, I cannot really put into words how much this meant to me. My sister has always been my hero, role model and strength ever since I was little I have looked up to her, so knowing she was at the end of the course gave me the strength I needed to cross that finish line. 

I also had my Team In Training peeps. I can better explain how amazing they are when I tell you about the day’s events.

Alright, so Big Sur Marathon, you have to get bused to the start.

So my team and I roll our asses out of bed at 3am, my amazing roomie made me coffee as I tried to clear my lungs of phlegm and empty my nose.

We all meandered down to the busses and loaded on. It is really quiet a sick way to start the race. The buses take you up the race course in the pitch black so you can feel the hills but you have no idea what it is actually like. 

One of my race mates said and I quote “what kind of maniacal genius created this race?” 

We then were put in this tiny waiting area with thousands of other runners who are waiting to start the race. (excuse my crude humor but it kind of felt like a refugee camp) There were port-a-potty galore (which stank like nervous poops) coffee and bananas. It was strange. Luckily for my team, my brilliant teammate Kevin brought mustaches so we got to wear mustaches and look like idiots before we started the race.

By the time we were sent to our corrals the sun had risen and we were realizing it would not be a cool day but we didn’t let it phase us, we all hugged and went into our separate racing corrals. I was left with only Kevin in my running corral. He probably knows me the best out of the team and kept reaffirming that I could do this, it was like he knew I needed to keep hearing it.

When the race started it was easy. The first five miles are relatively downhill (by downhill I mean little rolling hills) I was able to shake out my jitters but I also realized my leg wasn’t wanting to cooperate and I had more snot in my nose then I knew what to do with. 

Mile 5-9 is all a blur. I remember singing “They be hating” and forcing myself to hydrate, eat, and trying not to shoot snot rockets on any of the other race participants. 

At mile 9 life got real, in the distance you can see the infamous Hurricane Ridge, the proclaimed hardest hill of the course, its two miles straight up in the sun and wind. At mile 9.5 I made myself stop and go pee and readjust my mind set. (Yeah I totally peed on myself because I was in such a hurry, runners are a rare breed)

When you get to mile ten there are these traditional Asian drummers playing this impending doom song as you start your trek up the hill. It was the first time I really had to reach deep and force myself to keep going 

But when I got to the top I stopped and did a happy dance and celebrated. I literally raised up my arms and screamed! I was so happy and proud.

Miles 12-14 were down hill which were almost worse, so painful (my knees still remind me of that this morning) and mile 15 takes you across this gorgeous bridge that goes over the water. It really is gorgeous. I wish I could have enjoyed it more but I had runner’s brain and sometimes its hard to see the beauty when you are forcing your body to keep functioning. 

At mile 15 I realized I had to eat. This is the point where I almost threw up. Normally I can eat and run but that wasn’t happening. I had to stop and force shot blocks and water down my throat. It was the best decision I have ever made. 

Mile 15-20 were rough, with more hills, wind and sun then I had expected. I eventually ended up chanting “one foot in front of the other” for five miles. I wasn’t the only one who was having a hard time though. One lady running with a friend started crying and said “I cannot do anther hill” I mentally agreed with but kept going.

(I am serious people, this was not an easy race, so many damn hills.) 

At mile 20 it was my turn to cry. My teammate Mindy ran out on the course to mile 20 (major no no considering it was a closed course but it was my saving grace)

I had no energy and need a serious distraction. She talked me through the next mile and a half, reminding me no one at mile 20 feels good, it was normal to feel like death and like you can’t take another step. 

She then handed me off to my coach Michelle who proceeded to sing and dance. She did her best to distract me but those damn hills got the best me and I struggled through the next mile. 

Luckily, Michelle wasn’t my last cheerleader, her husband Matt was also out on the course. Matt has this wonderful aura about him, he just exudes optimism. He got me to mile 23 and went back for other struggling teammates.

Mile 23-26.2 was incredibly grueling. The hills didn’t end until mile 26. Three miles have never felt so long. I counted my steps, lugged my body to every water station and kept going. Every time I stopped to drink water I was surprised I had the strength to start running again. 

The last .6 miles may be the happiest moments of my life. I had a shit eating grin on my face. I was slap happy. I couldn’t get over the fact that I had did it. There were moments were I actually believed I was not going to finish and I had come to terms with that, but I did finish!

I crossed the finish line in tears. They were half tears of joy and half pain. I hobbled to the finishers area where I stumbled around and tried to orient myself. 

My sister found me and started forcing food down my throat. Thank goodness. She made me eat and drink, its hard to remember to rehab your body when all you want to do is collapse. 

I hobbled all the way back to the car blissfully and then hobbled back to the hotel and sat in bed and enjoyed my runner’s high that was well deserved. 

It was the first time I have finished a marathon and didn’t say “I am never doing that again” because this marathon taught me how strong I really am and that I can push through any adversity. 

My sister put it perfectly. The last two marathons I completed I wasn’t in the healthiest place in my life and I didn’t have the support I have now. 

I am now out of that phase and in a new phase in life. This marathon marks what I have overcome and what is to come. 

A lot of people were worried I wouldn’t finished, but I did and I am going to keep surprising people with what I can accomplish! 

"Racing teaches us to challenge ourselves. It teaches us to rush beyond where we thought we could go. It helps us to find out what we are made of. This is what we do. This is what it's all about." -Pattie Sue Plumer

I Am An Addict

I joined Team In Training on a whim.

Really it was a whim. I had RSVP to go to an informational meeting and didn't really know if I would go.

I actually went because at the time I was fighting with my boyfriend, I was hung over and I kind of hated life that day.

So I figured why not...

When I heard Big Sur was a option to race in I was immediately hooked. I mean its Big Sur, any long distance runner knows the glory of Big Sur.

So I pledged to raise 3,500$ for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and signed up for Big Sur.

Fast forward to the present and I have to thank my lucky stars I went to that information meeting, because not being able to run with my bad hamstring is forcing me to remember how much running has saved my life.

I was reminded of this when I read an article about Dick Beardsley.

Yeah he is the guy who raced Alberto Salazar in the famous 82' Boston Marathon but he is also a recovered drug addict.

The article mostly talked about Beardsley running career but what stood out to me was that he was a recovered drug addict.

It took me back to November 2nd, 2010.

It's not a day I really like to relive but it is burned into my memory.

The feelings of fear and anxiety come rushing back to me.

It's hard for me to find the words or the courage to write this story.

I woke up November 2nd in my bed. I didn't know how I got there. This unfortunately was not an unusual occurrence. I had become quiet use to waking up and trying to figure out where I was. I never thought of it as problem.

I had my normal head ache, my bones hurt and jaw was sore from the constant grinding of my teeth. I knew how to alleviate all this. I just had to get my ass out of bed, make some coffee, smoke a cigarette and take a bump of coke.

This was my normal morning routine.

But this morning was different. When I started looking around I realized my sheets had blood on them and I couldn't figure out where it had come from so I dragged myself to the shower to clean up and figure out where I had injured myself.

I half laughed at myself. I had just started healing from falling off a deck and my hand that I sliced open hopping over a barb wire fence finally had started to close.

But when I got in the shower I realized I had no battle wounds but the water was still running red and when I moved my hand away from my face I realized it was my nose.

Unfortunately I had also gotten use to nose bleeds, it comes with the territory of snorting drugs but this nose bleed wouldn't stop.

It just kept bleeding and then I got dizzy and started puking and the rest of the day I have no recollection of.

I had a lot of terrifying moments like this but for some reason this one scared me and I realized I had a serious problem.

I cut myself off from drugs cold turkey which was a battle all on its own and then I started running.

The first run was horrific, I took five steps and about died, but slowly I started going further and doing better.

Eventually I signed up for my first race (it was a 5k).  I shit you not, I ran it, felt like death, sat on the toilet and couldn't stop pooping (sorry runners talk a lot about poop) and broke out in hives.

But I kept running because it kept me responsible and it gave my life purpose. All I really wanted to do was say fuck it and go further down the rabbit hole but I knew staying addicted to coke was only going to ruin my life.

So I ran.

And then I decided to go back to school. I moved in with the most supportive sister a girl could ask for, I started going to therapy and Narcotics Anonymous.

And now it has been four years.

I'll be running my third marathon in 15 days with my amazing team that isn't just about running but about running for those who cannot.

I am no longer just running to save my life, but hopefully I can save other lives too.

I have a very addictive, determined, stubborn personality and I am so thankful the universe offered me a chance to use my personality in the best ways possible.

They say once an addict, always an addict and I am completely OK with being addicted to running.

"We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain" -unknown

Injuries Create Healing...(but seriously)

I was feeling passionate about writing after my first session of acupuncture ever.

And then a lovely fellow blogger let me know my writing inspired her eloquently written blog about how "everything happens for a reason"

I realized the exact same thing after,  scratch that, during my acupuncture session.

I woke up this morning and decided there was no way in hell I was going to work. My leg had kept me up all night, I was emotional, I was empty and I couldn't get my ass out of bed.

I gave myself permission for that to be OK and didn't feel guilty.

Fellow readers: THIS IS A BIG DEAL. I have a hell of a guilty conscious when it comes to missing work, or anything that I am suppose to be doing.

I didn't feel even a little bit guilty, I felt relieved.

HALLEJUAH!

So my day started out well, I iced my leg, worked on some very overdue projects, and cared for me.

And then I went to acupuncture...

It started out normally. I had the normal questions of injury but then the doctor asked me some obscure questions such as:

What do you dream about?
Do you have an appetite?
What do you crave: cold or hot?
Are you normally warm or cool?
Do you have a racing heart?
Do you sweat a lot?
How is your sleep/how often do you wake during the night?
How are your bowel movements?

The strange questions proceeded this way.

I proceeded to say something along the lines of "I am a basket of issues" and the doctor looked at me and said:

"Oh no, all these ailments are interlinked"

In my mind I thought "you have got to be shitting me"
But I was excited that maybe, just maybe, I could be healed.

The doctor explained my crazy, awful dreams, my insomnia, my lack of appetite, my daily anxiety, irritability and general angry overtone were all essentially linked with how my spleen and liver are functioning, or I guess I should say are not functioning.

And a major side-effects of all this are muscles tearing in the body.

BAM!

So I got all excited even before the acupuncture started I was feeling better, because maybe I don't have to feel so awful all the time. That would be considered winning in my books.

So he put the needles in. They were all over, my feet, calfs, knees, hamstrings, ribs, hands, arms and face.

I had explained earlier that I was working on meditating and the doctor told me to meditate on how the needles were making me feel.

I feel so cliché saying this but it was a very out of body experience. Somehow I could think about a lot of my life circumstances without become disabled by emotion.

Once I finished and left I felt a strangely calm and happy and then I read the blog about "everything happening for a reason".

And I have to agree.

I am injured, I got some shit on my plate, but thats OK because it is teaching me and opening me up to new experiences.

Without being injured I would of never tried acupuncture.
Without being injured I would never written my blog that inspired a fellow blogger to write.

The universe, it is an amazing thing especially when you are able to have a positive aura and live in the goodness and see the beauty, even through the bad.

(I realize this is hard, to see the good in all situations, but there is no harm in trying, but I also have to say it is OK to sit with the bad and feel the emotions through difficult situations)

We all just need a healthy balance of accepting emotions and pushing through to the positive. (Yet again, I realize how hard this is)

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves -Buddha

Life's A Bitch

I am not really sure what life has in store for me. 

I keep trying to figure it out...

I spent the past week hiking in the Olympic Rainforest.

It was a brilliant trip but it was an emotionally tough trip. 

I have talked about how great I am as distracting myself, like I am too good at it. 

But when your up in a freaking rainforest you can't distract yourself. 

I didn't have school or work or fundraising or running. My constant stimulation of people and activities were cut off and I was left with myself. 

It is amazing when you actually slow down how much you find in yourself, the good and the bad.

And then when I came home I got an email from the Peace Corps. 

I have been planning on joining the Peace Corps as my next step after graduation. The email said something along the lines of:

"You have been placed in Thailand, you will officially know if you are accepted into the program in September and you would leave January 2016"

For some reason this threw me off my rocker because damn it, I want to leave as soon as I graduate. I want to keep going. I can't be stagnant. I must keep going a thousand miles per hour because slowing down hurts too damn much.

I overcame my meltdown and pulled myself together. I did what I always do and over planned, kept going, looked into options and started putting more plans in place.

I am this constant planner, obsessively in need for control. 

Well life is a funny bitch and she is making me slow down.

I went on a 13 mile run today. It was a great run - long story short I ended up locking myself out of my car and so I laid in the sun until I got a spare key. 

But when I stood up and tried to walk my right leg was stiff and refused to bend. It shot shooting pain through my whole body.  I shrugged it off and figured it was nothing, but the pain didn't go away. Not after my bath, not after stretching, it just got continually worse. When I finally sat down and iced it I realized how bad my pain was. 

The verdict: Grade 2 hamstring strain. 

AKA no running, limited activity, light yoga at the most, I can swim but it isn't the same as running. 

My biggest escape from reality has been taken away from me. 

Life sometimes you are cruel. 

My mom even said "I have to be around when your luck changes, it is going to be epic" 

And she is right, my luck has to turn around but for now I somehow have to find the positive of having an out of commission leg. 

I get life is making me slow down but damn it sucks. 

Where is the silver lining?

We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad. -John Green