Squeezing Lemons

I just got home and am feeling extraordinary (which I never understood that word, extra and ordinary put together, I am far from!) proud of myself! 

I stood up for myself! 

I never stand up for myself which has become apparent these last few months. These last few months I have felt walked all over by my job, by people in my life, and mostly just by life in and of itself. 

It is amazing what you can do when you decide to give life the middle finger and grow a back bone. 

My sister has always been a spectacular role model for having a back bone. She knows what she wants in life and fights for it. Many times in my life when I have not had the backbone to fight for myself or make the right choices she has been there to do it for me. 

When Jordan and I broke up she told me no more. That I could not go back to him and for some reason her saying that gave me the strength to stick to my decision to end things, to not be a fucking floor mat. 

Excuse me you cannot put your dirty shoes on me, you cannot stomp out all your shit on me and walk away. Not cool people! I am not a floor mat!!!!

So as of Thursday I had a big meeting with my bosses and I told them NO MORE!!! No more terrible job, no more terrible work environment, no more terrible stress, that I was done! Over it! No more!!!!! 

And you know what they said "but we want to keep you in the school district." 

BAM! 

It was quiet a compliment and now my boss is letting me try out different positions in the school district to see if I can find a good fit but he he said he wished me well if I found another job out of the schools. 

Like could I have a more supportive boss? This was my first step to no longer being a floor mat and it worked. 

I needed that reassurance. That I can stand up for myself and people will see my worth because damn it I am worth a lot and I may sound conceded saying that but I think people need to start embracing their worth a little bit more. 

So I finished off the week and spent a glorious weekend with friends I love! I saw Jordan (yes the ex) and he apologized for how things ended and we hashed out a lot of things we never talked about. We called it murdering the elephant in the room. Sorry mister elephant, but it gave me a sense of worth I never knew I could get back after what happen between us. 

And Not to mention going on fun adventures of snow shoeing and climbing to the top of the Broadway Bridge. 

(I am ignoring the part where two cop cars showed up and three cops and got real mad at me for climbing the bridge, whoops, my bad...it didn't have a No Trespassing Sign.) 

So finally today rolls around. I have been seeing this guy off and on since April. He is an amazing guy, we have known each other since high school. Some how we are totally the same but totally different. It has been a bit of a roller coaster of a relationship but honestly I put a lot of my heart and soul into it and really cared deeply for him. I do that, once I start seeing someone for long enough I start to care, apparently thats weird to some people. But as the relationship went on it got more tumultuous. Heres the embarrassing part, he told me not once but twice he could never love me and yet I stay with him, I still supported him, was there for him and tried to make it work. 

I tried so hard to be the perfect girl.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! 

Seriously, after everything I have been through with being treated kind of shitty I was still allowing this.  

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put up with shit and be floor mats so once in a rare while he might show he cares. 

So as work got tougher, and I started realizing I need to care for myself and needed support I started to realize I was receiving none and I started to get drained. 

And then I hit my tipping point. 

Its kind of like when you have to use fresh lemon zest and lemon juice for a recipe. 

So you get the grater out and grate the damn lemon which is tedious as all get out. Then you have to cut the lemon open and dig out the seeds so they don't contaminate the lemon juice. Then you start to squeeze. By this time in the process I am normally thoroughly annoyed with the lemon.And finally it happens the damn lemon squirts you in the eye and you lose your shit and freak on lemon,

Thats what I did, I freaked. 

But the freak out is over, the lemon has been squeezed. 

And you know what fresh lemon juice is delicious when you bake it into a delicious recipe and I like to this all this craziness will only make my life more delicious in the long run! 

So as much as I like to avoid lemons, the tough things in life, I am realizing it is worth it if you can use it to better yourself and learn more about yourself. 

Before all of this I may have questioned my self-worth...

But I am starting to realizing just how worthy I am, especially of my own love because ironically that is a thing we hold back from ourselves. At least I know I have had a hard time loving myself so it feels pretty damn good to go to bed at night and tell myself "I love you".

I  think everyone should make it a practice. 

Be Here, Now.

I haven't written in a long time...

like a seriously long time.

And I apologize for that.

It recently occurred to me, I loath my job.

And it put me in serious life slump.

Like serious, at one point I ended up at Urgent Care with an uncontrollable anxiety attack, which sounds like an oxymoron because who can actually control their anxiety attacks, but it was an attack I could not get under control for over a good two hours until I got a shot in my butt to calm me down.

Shit show.

And I blamed it on going off anti-anxiety medication and anti-depression medication, which may have played a huge role!

But I realized something after I came break for holiday break... (working for the schools I get about 2 1/2 weeks off for Christmas).

MY JOB EATS MY SOUL.

Every day I was going into work feeling like sobbing, I had no energy when I got off work for the things I enjoyed and I had no love to give for the people I cared most about. (I realize this sounds exactly like a depression awareness commercial, but honestly depression awareness commercials are right to the point on this!)

So the other day I pumped myself up, like I do every day to go to work. The first hour with my student goes amazing! I am like on my high horse thinking I am finally figuring my student out, then all hell breaks lose.

Let me tell you the acorn version.

My student freaks out because he cannot take his energy break. He runs out of the schools and off school property about four blocks away. I restrain him and carry him back to school (mind you this student is about the same size as me). By the time we reach the school I am exhausted and he is more upset then he was to begin with. So I am able to get on school property but cannot let him into the building because he is being violent and loud and I don't want him hurting other students. So as we stand outside he proceeds to kick and scream. This goes on for about ten minutes and I am trying all the tricks in my box to calm him down but he is too escalated and I had no way to radio for help. A teacher then proceeds to walk towards where we are and my heart lifts. I was thinking he was coming to help.

Nope, Wrong!

Instead he proceeds to yell and curse at my student and I. " SHUT UP, SHUT THE "F" UP, I CANNOT DO MY JOB" and then he leaves the student and I.

My student curls up in my arms sobbing and then flips and shoves me to the ground and runs away. By this time I am in shock and run to get help. Eventually I find my student hiding in a bathroom stall. I am shaken, he is distraught and I have to think very quickly how to resolve this situation that seems unresolvable.

In my mind it still is unresolvable.

Unfortunately, for the student because he has had so much trauma, in the end he was unfazed. I was still shaking but my students had shaken it off and wanted to play chess a half an hour later.

Luckily for me my boss is an understanding man and sent me home. He knew I was struggling and when I got home I felt weak, like I somehow failed.

When people asked how my day was I became a mess, I cried and explained my day, but even trying to explain it didn't do it justice. No one can understand that day unless they live it and they still might have experienced it totally different than me.

However, later on when I explained to people I was quitting my job I got asked the question "why?" a lot. I would explain my job and how hard it was but no one really could process it. A few people could that had been in my shoes but not really.

And it made me start wondering about our society.

I have worked this job or similar jobs like it for a number of years. My resume allows me excel in this area. I get paid completive wages, good benefits and have a decent schedule.

For the past few years it kept me working really hard jobs.

But I had a light bulb moment.

LIfE ISN'T ABOUT WORK!

Yeah, having a stable income is necessary and benefits are good to have BUT what about overall well-being and what makes you happy?

I am currently reading this book called "Recovering Joy", it is about finding happiness, true happiness, being content with life.

It asked last night in one of its daily practices to define what my happiness is.

It took me a really long time to answer because lately I have been living for other people. I have been living for my job and my students, I have been living for a relationship that might not treat me like I deserve. I have been putting people and activities I love aside for things that are not fully filling me.

And if one cannot be fully fulfilled how can they fulfill their need in this world?

I say I want to help people and yet I struggle every day to get out of bed. How can I be helping my students, if I am drowning too?

So what I am trying to say is:

What are we living for? What is making us happy?

I have been planning and planning out the future and enduring shitty situations in the mean time, but the future no matter what is unknown.

What needs to happen is to embrace the here and now.

Be present NOW!

It sounds so cliche but think about it. Right now I am sitting in my bed, when I close my computer I can either do what I always do, stress about tomorrow, what needs to be done and what I need to do better at or I can enjoy the softness of my pillows, the smell of my fresh sheets, the warmth my body feels snuggled into the blanket and thank the universe that I am here, now in my room, safe and warm.

Why let the unpredictable future ruin what is present?

Accept feelings and do something about the now if the now is not making you happy.

Live for the now, because the rest is unknown.