Running The Big Sur

I ran the Big Sur Marathon yesterday, so naturally I have to blog about it.

The whole experience was a whirl wind. Leading up to it I was convinced my body was telling me NOT to do. 

I had (well have, back to stage one of healing) a serious hamstring strain and 4 days before the race I got a nasty head cold but I am stubborn and refused to let anything stop me. 

Luckily I had outside strength to support me. My spectacular sister and niece surprised me and came with me down to the race, I cannot really put into words how much this meant to me. My sister has always been my hero, role model and strength ever since I was little I have looked up to her, so knowing she was at the end of the course gave me the strength I needed to cross that finish line. 

I also had my Team In Training peeps. I can better explain how amazing they are when I tell you about the day’s events.

Alright, so Big Sur Marathon, you have to get bused to the start.

So my team and I roll our asses out of bed at 3am, my amazing roomie made me coffee as I tried to clear my lungs of phlegm and empty my nose.

We all meandered down to the busses and loaded on. It is really quiet a sick way to start the race. The buses take you up the race course in the pitch black so you can feel the hills but you have no idea what it is actually like. 

One of my race mates said and I quote “what kind of maniacal genius created this race?” 

We then were put in this tiny waiting area with thousands of other runners who are waiting to start the race. (excuse my crude humor but it kind of felt like a refugee camp) There were port-a-potty galore (which stank like nervous poops) coffee and bananas. It was strange. Luckily for my team, my brilliant teammate Kevin brought mustaches so we got to wear mustaches and look like idiots before we started the race.

By the time we were sent to our corrals the sun had risen and we were realizing it would not be a cool day but we didn’t let it phase us, we all hugged and went into our separate racing corrals. I was left with only Kevin in my running corral. He probably knows me the best out of the team and kept reaffirming that I could do this, it was like he knew I needed to keep hearing it.

When the race started it was easy. The first five miles are relatively downhill (by downhill I mean little rolling hills) I was able to shake out my jitters but I also realized my leg wasn’t wanting to cooperate and I had more snot in my nose then I knew what to do with. 

Mile 5-9 is all a blur. I remember singing “They be hating” and forcing myself to hydrate, eat, and trying not to shoot snot rockets on any of the other race participants. 

At mile 9 life got real, in the distance you can see the infamous Hurricane Ridge, the proclaimed hardest hill of the course, its two miles straight up in the sun and wind. At mile 9.5 I made myself stop and go pee and readjust my mind set. (Yeah I totally peed on myself because I was in such a hurry, runners are a rare breed)

When you get to mile ten there are these traditional Asian drummers playing this impending doom song as you start your trek up the hill. It was the first time I really had to reach deep and force myself to keep going 

But when I got to the top I stopped and did a happy dance and celebrated. I literally raised up my arms and screamed! I was so happy and proud.

Miles 12-14 were down hill which were almost worse, so painful (my knees still remind me of that this morning) and mile 15 takes you across this gorgeous bridge that goes over the water. It really is gorgeous. I wish I could have enjoyed it more but I had runner’s brain and sometimes its hard to see the beauty when you are forcing your body to keep functioning. 

At mile 15 I realized I had to eat. This is the point where I almost threw up. Normally I can eat and run but that wasn’t happening. I had to stop and force shot blocks and water down my throat. It was the best decision I have ever made. 

Mile 15-20 were rough, with more hills, wind and sun then I had expected. I eventually ended up chanting “one foot in front of the other” for five miles. I wasn’t the only one who was having a hard time though. One lady running with a friend started crying and said “I cannot do anther hill” I mentally agreed with but kept going.

(I am serious people, this was not an easy race, so many damn hills.) 

At mile 20 it was my turn to cry. My teammate Mindy ran out on the course to mile 20 (major no no considering it was a closed course but it was my saving grace)

I had no energy and need a serious distraction. She talked me through the next mile and a half, reminding me no one at mile 20 feels good, it was normal to feel like death and like you can’t take another step. 

She then handed me off to my coach Michelle who proceeded to sing and dance. She did her best to distract me but those damn hills got the best me and I struggled through the next mile. 

Luckily, Michelle wasn’t my last cheerleader, her husband Matt was also out on the course. Matt has this wonderful aura about him, he just exudes optimism. He got me to mile 23 and went back for other struggling teammates.

Mile 23-26.2 was incredibly grueling. The hills didn’t end until mile 26. Three miles have never felt so long. I counted my steps, lugged my body to every water station and kept going. Every time I stopped to drink water I was surprised I had the strength to start running again. 

The last .6 miles may be the happiest moments of my life. I had a shit eating grin on my face. I was slap happy. I couldn’t get over the fact that I had did it. There were moments were I actually believed I was not going to finish and I had come to terms with that, but I did finish!

I crossed the finish line in tears. They were half tears of joy and half pain. I hobbled to the finishers area where I stumbled around and tried to orient myself. 

My sister found me and started forcing food down my throat. Thank goodness. She made me eat and drink, its hard to remember to rehab your body when all you want to do is collapse. 

I hobbled all the way back to the car blissfully and then hobbled back to the hotel and sat in bed and enjoyed my runner’s high that was well deserved. 

It was the first time I have finished a marathon and didn’t say “I am never doing that again” because this marathon taught me how strong I really am and that I can push through any adversity. 

My sister put it perfectly. The last two marathons I completed I wasn’t in the healthiest place in my life and I didn’t have the support I have now. 

I am now out of that phase and in a new phase in life. This marathon marks what I have overcome and what is to come. 

A lot of people were worried I wouldn’t finished, but I did and I am going to keep surprising people with what I can accomplish! 

"Racing teaches us to challenge ourselves. It teaches us to rush beyond where we thought we could go. It helps us to find out what we are made of. This is what we do. This is what it's all about." -Pattie Sue Plumer

I Am An Addict

I joined Team In Training on a whim.

Really it was a whim. I had RSVP to go to an informational meeting and didn't really know if I would go.

I actually went because at the time I was fighting with my boyfriend, I was hung over and I kind of hated life that day.

So I figured why not...

When I heard Big Sur was a option to race in I was immediately hooked. I mean its Big Sur, any long distance runner knows the glory of Big Sur.

So I pledged to raise 3,500$ for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and signed up for Big Sur.

Fast forward to the present and I have to thank my lucky stars I went to that information meeting, because not being able to run with my bad hamstring is forcing me to remember how much running has saved my life.

I was reminded of this when I read an article about Dick Beardsley.

Yeah he is the guy who raced Alberto Salazar in the famous 82' Boston Marathon but he is also a recovered drug addict.

The article mostly talked about Beardsley running career but what stood out to me was that he was a recovered drug addict.

It took me back to November 2nd, 2010.

It's not a day I really like to relive but it is burned into my memory.

The feelings of fear and anxiety come rushing back to me.

It's hard for me to find the words or the courage to write this story.

I woke up November 2nd in my bed. I didn't know how I got there. This unfortunately was not an unusual occurrence. I had become quiet use to waking up and trying to figure out where I was. I never thought of it as problem.

I had my normal head ache, my bones hurt and jaw was sore from the constant grinding of my teeth. I knew how to alleviate all this. I just had to get my ass out of bed, make some coffee, smoke a cigarette and take a bump of coke.

This was my normal morning routine.

But this morning was different. When I started looking around I realized my sheets had blood on them and I couldn't figure out where it had come from so I dragged myself to the shower to clean up and figure out where I had injured myself.

I half laughed at myself. I had just started healing from falling off a deck and my hand that I sliced open hopping over a barb wire fence finally had started to close.

But when I got in the shower I realized I had no battle wounds but the water was still running red and when I moved my hand away from my face I realized it was my nose.

Unfortunately I had also gotten use to nose bleeds, it comes with the territory of snorting drugs but this nose bleed wouldn't stop.

It just kept bleeding and then I got dizzy and started puking and the rest of the day I have no recollection of.

I had a lot of terrifying moments like this but for some reason this one scared me and I realized I had a serious problem.

I cut myself off from drugs cold turkey which was a battle all on its own and then I started running.

The first run was horrific, I took five steps and about died, but slowly I started going further and doing better.

Eventually I signed up for my first race (it was a 5k).  I shit you not, I ran it, felt like death, sat on the toilet and couldn't stop pooping (sorry runners talk a lot about poop) and broke out in hives.

But I kept running because it kept me responsible and it gave my life purpose. All I really wanted to do was say fuck it and go further down the rabbit hole but I knew staying addicted to coke was only going to ruin my life.

So I ran.

And then I decided to go back to school. I moved in with the most supportive sister a girl could ask for, I started going to therapy and Narcotics Anonymous.

And now it has been four years.

I'll be running my third marathon in 15 days with my amazing team that isn't just about running but about running for those who cannot.

I am no longer just running to save my life, but hopefully I can save other lives too.

I have a very addictive, determined, stubborn personality and I am so thankful the universe offered me a chance to use my personality in the best ways possible.

They say once an addict, always an addict and I am completely OK with being addicted to running.

"We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain" -unknown

Injuries Create Healing...(but seriously)

I was feeling passionate about writing after my first session of acupuncture ever.

And then a lovely fellow blogger let me know my writing inspired her eloquently written blog about how "everything happens for a reason"

I realized the exact same thing after,  scratch that, during my acupuncture session.

I woke up this morning and decided there was no way in hell I was going to work. My leg had kept me up all night, I was emotional, I was empty and I couldn't get my ass out of bed.

I gave myself permission for that to be OK and didn't feel guilty.

Fellow readers: THIS IS A BIG DEAL. I have a hell of a guilty conscious when it comes to missing work, or anything that I am suppose to be doing.

I didn't feel even a little bit guilty, I felt relieved.

HALLEJUAH!

So my day started out well, I iced my leg, worked on some very overdue projects, and cared for me.

And then I went to acupuncture...

It started out normally. I had the normal questions of injury but then the doctor asked me some obscure questions such as:

What do you dream about?
Do you have an appetite?
What do you crave: cold or hot?
Are you normally warm or cool?
Do you have a racing heart?
Do you sweat a lot?
How is your sleep/how often do you wake during the night?
How are your bowel movements?

The strange questions proceeded this way.

I proceeded to say something along the lines of "I am a basket of issues" and the doctor looked at me and said:

"Oh no, all these ailments are interlinked"

In my mind I thought "you have got to be shitting me"
But I was excited that maybe, just maybe, I could be healed.

The doctor explained my crazy, awful dreams, my insomnia, my lack of appetite, my daily anxiety, irritability and general angry overtone were all essentially linked with how my spleen and liver are functioning, or I guess I should say are not functioning.

And a major side-effects of all this are muscles tearing in the body.

BAM!

So I got all excited even before the acupuncture started I was feeling better, because maybe I don't have to feel so awful all the time. That would be considered winning in my books.

So he put the needles in. They were all over, my feet, calfs, knees, hamstrings, ribs, hands, arms and face.

I had explained earlier that I was working on meditating and the doctor told me to meditate on how the needles were making me feel.

I feel so cliché saying this but it was a very out of body experience. Somehow I could think about a lot of my life circumstances without become disabled by emotion.

Once I finished and left I felt a strangely calm and happy and then I read the blog about "everything happening for a reason".

And I have to agree.

I am injured, I got some shit on my plate, but thats OK because it is teaching me and opening me up to new experiences.

Without being injured I would of never tried acupuncture.
Without being injured I would never written my blog that inspired a fellow blogger to write.

The universe, it is an amazing thing especially when you are able to have a positive aura and live in the goodness and see the beauty, even through the bad.

(I realize this is hard, to see the good in all situations, but there is no harm in trying, but I also have to say it is OK to sit with the bad and feel the emotions through difficult situations)

We all just need a healthy balance of accepting emotions and pushing through to the positive. (Yet again, I realize how hard this is)

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves -Buddha

Life's A Bitch

I am not really sure what life has in store for me. 

I keep trying to figure it out...

I spent the past week hiking in the Olympic Rainforest.

It was a brilliant trip but it was an emotionally tough trip. 

I have talked about how great I am as distracting myself, like I am too good at it. 

But when your up in a freaking rainforest you can't distract yourself. 

I didn't have school or work or fundraising or running. My constant stimulation of people and activities were cut off and I was left with myself. 

It is amazing when you actually slow down how much you find in yourself, the good and the bad.

And then when I came home I got an email from the Peace Corps. 

I have been planning on joining the Peace Corps as my next step after graduation. The email said something along the lines of:

"You have been placed in Thailand, you will officially know if you are accepted into the program in September and you would leave January 2016"

For some reason this threw me off my rocker because damn it, I want to leave as soon as I graduate. I want to keep going. I can't be stagnant. I must keep going a thousand miles per hour because slowing down hurts too damn much.

I overcame my meltdown and pulled myself together. I did what I always do and over planned, kept going, looked into options and started putting more plans in place.

I am this constant planner, obsessively in need for control. 

Well life is a funny bitch and she is making me slow down.

I went on a 13 mile run today. It was a great run - long story short I ended up locking myself out of my car and so I laid in the sun until I got a spare key. 

But when I stood up and tried to walk my right leg was stiff and refused to bend. It shot shooting pain through my whole body.  I shrugged it off and figured it was nothing, but the pain didn't go away. Not after my bath, not after stretching, it just got continually worse. When I finally sat down and iced it I realized how bad my pain was. 

The verdict: Grade 2 hamstring strain. 

AKA no running, limited activity, light yoga at the most, I can swim but it isn't the same as running. 

My biggest escape from reality has been taken away from me. 

Life sometimes you are cruel. 

My mom even said "I have to be around when your luck changes, it is going to be epic" 

And she is right, my luck has to turn around but for now I somehow have to find the positive of having an out of commission leg. 

I get life is making me slow down but damn it sucks. 

Where is the silver lining?

We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad. -John Green

Learning to Feel

I found out some news tonight that I really wasn't ready to hear.

I don't really think I would of ever been ready to hear it, but I knew at some point I would.

It crushed me, but I wanted to pretend it didn't.

I pretended it didn't when I found out.

I let the news settle on me and I kept functioning, kept trying to live in the moment, be present and not let it ruin the evening.

I tried, and when I was driving home I tried to not let it eat at me.

And when I got home I tried to not let it keep me up and then I realized this is it. The moment of living in the moment vs. the big life picture.

These little points in life where I can either ball up and deal with the pain or go on hiding and dodging from it.

So here is what I did.

I got ready for bed. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and got into bed.

I set a timer for five minutes. I crawled into bed, wrapped myself in blankets, grabbed a pillow turned off the lights and hit start on my timer.

I sat for five minutes with my emotions.

At first I felt nothing, I have perfected the art of feeling nothing. It is my armor when life gets tough.

And then I started feeling anxious and uncomfortable and wanted my time to be done.

Then all of the sudden I let myself relax and let myself feel. I sat and sobbed. It didn't feel good, it didn't feel cathartic but at least it is coming out and not staying bottled in me and eating away at me every minute of every day.

Life hurts. Making yourself sit down and feel true, heartbreaking emotions hurts.

I want to be strong and not feel pain. I do not want to let other people crush me, but to live is to be in relationships with others.

People are not perfect, they will hurt you and we will hurt them, not intentionally, but it happens.

So maybe instead my definition of being strong doesn't have to mean not feeling pain, instead being strong can be feeling pain, owning my pain and my hardship, the daily life struggles.

Being open and honest, vulnerable some might say.

I know this won't happen over night, but it starts with baby steps, like setting a timer for five minutes and letting yourself feel. It doesn't seem so scary when you know there is an out.

I think it really helps to then read or watch something funny. Personally I am a fan of "Best of Funny Talking Animals" on Youtube -- but really watch it if your easily entertained.

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom. -Rumi

The Brain Game

Being a long distance runner is like this weird head game you play with yourself.

A looooong time ago when I first got into long distance running an old coach told me "you can train your muscles all you want but the most important thing is to train your brain". 

Yada, yada, yada, that makes sense but I didn't really think much of it. 

But it is freaky true. 

I ran twenty miles yesterday and I thought consciously about the brain game I play with myself. 

Let me explain my thoughts over my twenty mile run:

Mile 1 & 2: "Shit I am sore, my legs feel like they weigh 200lbs, why the hell am I out here and why I am a running so slow. Mmmm I think I need to pee, or is this just the nervous I need to pee feeling?"

Mile 3-7: "Oh fine, this isn't so bad. My legs feel normal, just had to get loosened up. I got this as long as keep my times around 8:20's. I am pretty sure I don't have to pee." 

Mile 7-10: "WEEEE, look at me!!! I am running and I am happy, I am running and I happy, la la la, nobody can stop me" 

Mile 10-12: "Shit I still have ten miles to go, what the hell! This is going to take forever and I think I'm starting to feel tired. Wait, what pace am I running at? Oh no running sub 8:00's, slow down speed racer or your going to die at the end" 

Mile 13: "Hey I just ran a half marathon boo ya, but shoot I still have to run seven more miles...hmmm I think I need to eat something except my black cherry flavored shot blocks taste like ass, why didn't I buy the strawberry? I will have to resort to my ginger chews" 

Mile 14-16: "Must keep brain occupied so I don't think about how tired my legs are feelings. I think I need to fart. I should just try and fart cause if I keep it in I know I will have a tummy ache. Maybe a loud car will drive by and I can fart and no one will hear...I hope it is a fart" 

Mile 17-18: "Ok, this can be done now. I hate life, I hate running, I am tired. How the hell do I run marathons, why do I run them? Ouch, ouch, ouch, I think I have blood in my sock. Gross" 

Mile 18-20: "Ahh I think I am finally hitting my second wind, or maybe I just know that it is almost over. I shall run very quickly to the end so I can be done. Wait, what should I do when I am done. What will I eat? I love eating. Food, I want food." 

End of run: "I did it, I did it, whoop! I feel way too good for having run twenty miles, must do happy dance but my legs are too sore." 

It is like a mini-life when you run long distances and push your body past its normal capacity of effort. Your emotions run rampant. 

But somewhere inside me I made the decision that no matter what I will always keep running, aways keep pushing my body to the limit to succeeded no matter what my brain is telling me. I have become an expert at telling my brain to shut up. 

But running is just one aspect of my life. One aspect that I have full control over. I can either live a lifestyle that pushes me forward and makes my body more efficient at running or I can live a lifestyle that negates my hard work. 

It is sometimes hard finding this balance. I literally eat, drink and sleep for my running, especially right now in marathon season. 

Sometimes I don't always put my running first but I find when I do not put my running first, I am not putting my best interest first. 

Which is so strange to me because I know what will make me the best runner I can be and yet I don't do it.

I know what is best for me in most realms of my life and yet most times I don't do it.

It goes back to instant gratification. It is addicting. I am addicted to instant gratification, so how do I break the addiction?

How do I look into the future and work for future rewards while living in the present? 

I want to live life in the moment, but I also want to live my life for bigger and better things. 

Life in the moments vs. life's big picture, can they coincide, live together in harmony?  Can I make living in the moment be productive for my life in the future?

Can I train my brain to be able to push past moments of hardship and keep going? Can I play the brain game in my daily life? Can I push myself to succeed and never stop?

I have no idea, it is my new mission to find out. For the next few weeks I will be seeing how instant gratification, living in the moment and living for life's big picture mesh in my life and if I can make them a harmonious team. 

(and yes, of course I will blog about them!)

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment" -Buddha 

Perfectionism...as Unnatural as Spam

Perfectionism.

It is what society tells us to strive for. 

Be smarter, be richer, be skinner. 

Do more, be more. 

Hey guess what society? You make me freaking exhausted. 

And you know what else?

Society is a conundrum, that is what I have decided.

Society asks us to be better, to morph ourselves into these perfect beings and yet it does not give us the grace to learn. 

I am obsessed with listening to podcasts on my runs right now. I mean does it get any better, it is a body and mind workout. I think that is called winning!

But that is beside the point, the point is I listened to a podcast that interviewed Parker Palmer and Courtney Martin, two incredible people who came together to talk about sustainable. social change. 

Two quotes stood out to me.

One by Parker Palmer: 
 “We're whiplashed between the arrogant over-estimation of ourselves, and a servile under-estimation of ourselves.”

The other by Courtney Martin: 
"We live in a culture that does not give us a lot of models of what it looks like to learn in public". 

And then I was reading a Daring Greatly by the infamous Brene Brown in which she said:
"Shame-resilient cultures nurture folks who are much more open to soliciting, accepting and incorporating feedback...these cultures also further engaged, tenacious people who expect to have to try and try again to get it right -- people who are much more willing to get innovative and creative in their efforts" 

Sometimes I feel like the universe is talking to me...today is told me that I need to stop trying to be perfect.

It told me that I will find my best self when I start being my real self, flaws and all. 

Like Parker said, there are certain things I love about myself. I love my ability to run vast distances rather quickly, I love that I am book smart and can hold a 4.0 GPA, I love that my ability to wake up and make myself do anything I put my mind too

but on the other hand I hate my self doubt, I hate that I cannot shake the feeling that I will never be good enough in any sphere in my life, that I will always somehow be lacking, I hate that I feel a constant void in myself and a need to be in connection with people to heal that, I hate that I need people. 

People hurt. People are what make up the society that is harshly judgmental. People are the ones who do not allow us to learn in public.

We live in society that thrives on negative criticism. We nit-pick and find flaws in most anything, we are conditioned to find the bad over the brilliant. 

I have an honest confession to make.

I have this co-worker I have a really, really hard time working with. My coworker is constantly asking if he is doing his job right, he is constantly questioning everything he does. 

It drives me nuts. I always think "have some self-confidence and take control!" 

But then when he asks "what can I do to get better?" I think, "shoot, I should ask that question too but I don't have the confidence too"

Criticism is hard to take, I would like to be perfect so I avoid the questions that can make me better at what I do. 

So instead of being frustrated with my co-worker, maybe I am just envious of his openness and ability to be vulnerable. He knows he is not perfect and owns it. 

What if we could all own our mistakes and imperfections? What if it was acceptable to make a fool of ourselves in public and learn?

What if society didn't mock and ridicule when a person made a mistake?

We all know we are human, but why can we not accept our human emotions and actions? 

All of us failed to match out dreams of perfection. -William Faulker