Reintroduction To The Self

My birthday was this past weekend, the big 25!

I did not expect to be where I am at, like seriously, not at all.

Life, you are so damn unpredictable and yet wonderful.

I never cease to be amazed at what life throws at me, the good and the awful.

I was in therapy today and felt like I didn't have to much to talk about, I thought I was dealing just fine with life, finally.

Wrong.

This is why I love and hate therapy. It digs up shit you never knew was going on.

My therapist said "What are we working on today?"

I said "I dunno, everything seems OK."

My therapist just starred at me. (It is like this evil silence trick that makes you ramble non-sense and then that non-sense turns into life changing epiphanies, its freaky)

So I started rambling about the idea of perceptions and how I don't always trust my perceptions and some how I ended up talking about food and my weird relationship with it.

For as long as I can remember food has always been a strange thing for me. Eating in front of people, other than my family, has always been hard for me.

I am strangely self-conscious of what I eat and in front of who.

Yes, I know I am weird. 

And then I started to realize something I never understood before.

My whole life I have been tiny, skinny. I have always been the "skinny girl". Growing up I was always the smallest one out of all my friends.

I linked this to my identity. I had no self-confidence growing up and was very shy so I rarely got noticed but I was always noticed for my tiny figure.

Being thin was my identity, it was one thing people noticed about me and I have held on to that identity.

My therapist told me it was my childish way of dealing with life's hardship. She did not mean it in a harsh way, she said we all have coping mechanisms that we bring forward from childhood.

She explained we have thousands of parts in ourselves that all are intwined, sometimes working productively together but most of the time fighting against each other.

For me, being skinny and holding on to that is one part of me. An insecure part of me that still worries about being not recognized. Still being the young girl that was too shy to show her personality and true colors.

That young girl reintroduced herself to me today and I was able to give her the attention she needed.

I may still be weird and insecure and control those insecurities through my strange eating habits but at least now I can pinpoint where it manifests from and start to address that.

I can start to address my insecurities and embrace them.

I am starting to learn more and more about myself as I start to introduce myself to the many parts I have thriving inside me.

I am a whole person, but the only thing that makes me whole are the millions of little pieces that are intertwined.

I am working to learn how to make those pieces work together instead of against each other and love just how strangely unique I am.

I suggest everyone tries introducing themselves to those unknown parts of themselves that makes them tick, it is truly an experience that should not be missed.

I thought meeting strangers was hard, but reintroducing yourself to your past selfs is far more challenging and far more rewarding.

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your pervious self. -Hindu Proverb

Practicing Life

I went to yoga on Saturday, and let me tell you I am not the best yogi out there.

My balance is shaky and I am far from having the perfect form in any of the positions but damn it I am going to be a yogi.

I enjoy yoga, it is calming, it grounds me and lets me concentrate and connect with my body so I am working on being OK with looking like a fool while I am at yoga.

We even did the firefly pose (technical term: Tittibhasana) this is where you wrap your legs around your arms and hold yourself up, it is mostly shoulder strength.

First off, I am a runner.

Second off, that means I lack shoulder strength.

So I totally toppled on my ass (I am proud to say that I got it eventually and held it for like five seconds, boo yah!)

But I wasn't the only one who toppled on their ass, and the teacher of class said this...

"It's called yoga practice, because we are constantly practicing and bettering ourselves at yoga"

I was thinking about this statement this morning as I struggled through the morning.

I was having a tough morning, I confined in one of my friends that I was struggling with my faith and he asked me what I was struggling with...

I told him "everything right now. Honestly I just feel a little lost even in myself. I feel like I cannot connect to myself, to God, to anyone. Like I am in this bubble just watching".

He told me he thought it wasn't my faith I was struggling with but my trust.

Bingo!

(I have very intelligent friends, I am truly blessed. )

I am struggling with trusting anyone, even myself. I trusted so much and got hurt.

Essentially I toppled on my ass, just like in yoga.

But in yoga I was determined to try to it again, to get it right. It all takes practice.

I am realizing that its just like in life, it takes practice. I fell down and now I have to get back up and try again.

A need to try a new form, work on my strength and stay determined. My new way of looking at life is "life practice".

It's called life practice because we are constantly practicing and bettering ourselves in our own lives.

I know I'll keep falling, but I have to keep trying.

Ever tired. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fall again. Fall better. -Samuel Beckett

Flying with Broken Wings

I would like to say these past 31 days of blogging has changed me, opened me up by being able to write about my life, my feelings, my journey, but in all honestly I am realizing this is just the beginning.

Some days are really amazing and others are truly agonizing.

31 days ago I decided to start blogging. I was laying in bed, truly over life and feeling defeated. New Year's Eve had been a bust, my car had gotten broken into, my bank accounts had been empty, and I missed Jordan, I missed the stability and constant idea of always having someone. The idea that no matter what I had someone that would tell me "I love you".

Fast forward 31 days to right now and I am sitting at my kitchen table. My car window is fixed, my bank account is secure, but there is still a void in my heart that will never replace Jordan. I still miss the stability, the idea of never being alone, I miss waking up and going to bed every night hearing "I love you".

I have no idea where my life is going to take me, and right now I cannot see much past tomorrow, the most pointless things seem so looming when you are readjusting to life on your own.

Honestly the things I am working towards are my marathon and my graduation. From there I believe life will open up. I can do anything once I graduate. I literally have nothing holding me down. I will be completely unattached.

I mean I have my family here, but I know they will always be here for me. They are my rock and they are more then supportive to watch me spread my wings and fly.

And I plan to soar.

Which is terrifying and exciting.

I am working on crawling out of my comfort zone and being vulnerable with life. I don't really know what that looks like but for now I am just going to try it...

Because I have nothing to lose, which is the most awful, wonderful thing to realize.

To be vulnerable with life is to:

love unconditionally and not know if you are going to receive love back.

try something new every day and ask questions that people might think you are crazy or stupid for asking.

to cry when you need to, even if it is at the exactly wrong moment.

to ask for help, even if it is from a stranger.

to admit defeat and failure and embrace success.

to compliment yourself on your achievements and talk well about yourself, even if people think you are just being arrogant.

to say good-bye and not know if there will ever be a new hello.

I have said my good-byes, I have felt defeat, I have definitely cried at the wrong times but now I must work on the positives.

I need to learn to love unconditionally, to ask questions and ask for help, to embrace my success and learn to compliment myself on how fucking amazing I am.

I am Rosemary Serena Bishop and today is the last day of my blogging challenge but only the tip of what I am about to discover...(don't worry I'll keep blogging about my discoveries)

On my back I have tattoo that I feel is fitting for my final quote for my 31 days of blogging...

You can fly with broken wings.

Let's Get Quirky

We all have those moment in life where we wonder "does that happen to anyone else, or is that just me?" And most of the time we keep the wondering to ourselves. 

But if we keep that wondering to ourselves how will we ever know?! 

Recently I began thinking about this. 

I was in my bathroom yesterday cleaning the shower with Ajax. I saw my shower was draining slowly so I decided to unclog my drain with Draino at the exact same time as I was using the Ajax. 

It smelled really bad and made me really dizzy and then a few hours later I remembered it was a toxic combo and I thought "does anyone else think before they do stupid things?" 

Or am I the only one that decided to clean their shower and unclog their drain at the same time.

I was at the store the other day looking for golden raisins. I couldn't find them to save my life. I started talking to myself out loud as I searched. I had no idea I was doing it until I saw an old man staring at me like I was crazy. 

I gave him the "what are you looking at old man" stare and walked off and then realized those thoughts in my head were not only in my head but I was talking out loud! 

Ahh... really, does anyone talk out loud to themselves in public? 

And what about bike riding? I feel like for most people bike riding is totally natural, it comes easily like walking does for a toddler. 

Oh no, not me. I didn't learn to ride a freaking bike till middle school! Like what? I really have no idea what I was so terrified of. 

Anyone else wait until they were 12 to learn to ride a bike? 

The reason I am talking about the silly, slightly embarrassing things I do is because I feel like we all strive to hard to be perfect. 

Well lets be honest, none of us are perfect and we all do weird shit. But why are so we embarrassed about the weird quirks we have?

I think quirks are what make people amazing. 

When someone tells me about one of their quirks I cannot help but smile and be impressed at how confident they are in themselves to be so open. 

The people that embrace their quirks and the ones you know who are comfortable in their own skin. 

I have certain quirks that I love and others that I am totally ashamed to tell people about. 

I can be open about most things, but I have hard time being open about things that make me vulnerable, the quirks I have not yet come to embrace. 

Being vulnerable is scary, especially when you haven't come to terms with being comfortable with yourself. 

So how can we learn to be vulnerable and honest with ourselves and others?

I think talking about our quirks is a strong starting point. 

A quirk I am not very comfortable with yet is that I have a hard time with touch, especially hugs. I get tense when someone comes to hug me. I don't know what it is but I get anxiety and don't know how to relax. 

I don't think I have told anyone that, but now it is out there and I can learn to accept this quirk and work towards being able to accept and give hug without become as tense as a freaking brick. 

What quirks do you have yet to embrace? 

I bet they make you uniquely beautiful. 

"No one can transcend their own individuality" - Arthur Schopenhauer 

The Greatness of Parents

These are my crazy, wonderful, supportive parents. 

On the left you have them cheering me on at The Portland Marathon! I had no idea they were going to be at mile 18 and as I was struggling to keep my pace and keep my mind on finishing they popped up and gave me that boost that kept me going till the finish line! 

And below is them being weird on christmas morning. They also know how to make me laugh!  

The reason I am showcasing my parents is because today is their anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They have been married 34 freaking years!

It is hard for me to put into words what my parents have done for me over my lifetime. When I sit down and think about them and all they have done it brings tears to my eyes because I do not know what I would do without them.

I have always been an awkward child. I struggled at sports, I struggled in school, I struggled being open with what was going in my life.

I am a quiet soul and I can imagine that was difficult on my parents, never really knowing what was going through my head and yet they worked to make life a blessing for me.

They didn't force me into sports, they didn't even make me stay at one school, they let me transfer schools 4 times in 6 years. When I dropped out of college the first time they didn't judge me, they pushed me to follow my dreams and supported me through beauty school. When I decided I had to go back to college they still encouraged my adventurous spirit.

When I ventured down the wrong paths of life they didn't force me back on to the right path, they let me wander and unconditionally loved me as I found my way back.

And even know as I struggle to find where my next steps of life are going to take me they support me and love me.

I mean I live in their freaking basement and I am almost 25! I never thought I would be that child but life circumstances created a different path for me and my parents welcomed me home. They are nurturing me and being my rock while I rediscover who I am.

It is easy to take advantage of parents and not want to spend much time with them, especially at my age but I learning to embrace my time at home. I don't know where life is taking me next but I cherish the days I get with my parents.

They are the people with the unconditional love that allow me to be me. I sometimes forget that and go out and looking for acceptance and connection elsewhere but I have acceptance and connection right at home that has the ability to heal and love me and build me back up until I can stand on my own two feet again.

There are no words to thank my parents for what they do for me, but I can commemorate them on their anniversary!

Football?

I was at church last Sunday and a man from France was speaking.

He had moved to Senegal to work with the Senegalese people. He wanted to start a grassroots movement for sustainable agriculture.

When he first arrived in Senegal he built a fence around his house. The Senegalese people called him "the crazy white man". They couldn't understand why he would build a fence around nothing.

You must realize that Senegal is a dessert. To the Senegalese people, all they see is the dessert, they couldn't understand why a fence would be built in the middle of the dessert, but there was a reason.

The crazy white man knew he needed a fence before he could start a garden, he knew nature was not always going to be his best friend. And the crazy white man started teaching these things to the Senegalese people.

He has a passion and he is living to fulfill it.

So you might be wondering why I am rambling about this crazy white man in Senegal.

And it is only going to get more random.

So we all know Super Bowl is this Sunday.

I don't really understand or care about football, so I may have a skewed perspective on this but here is what I am thinking:

If people spent this much time, money, emotion, and planning on something that actually mattered to the world, that could actually better the world, what would our world look like?

I mean I am kind of amazed at how much is done for the Super Bowl and other various sporting events.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why we have sports, I understand the uniting factors sports can have on a society but really in the big picture of things will the Super Bowl do us any good?

After Sunday passes, what good has come from a day of football except eating and drinking too much and getting hyped up on football plays?

How can we create that kind of excitement and commitment to things that actually matter?

I mean we are totally the crazy white men/women. We spend millions of dollars on one day, we get overly excited for commercials, we scream at a TV because some dudes threw the ball right or wrong.

I realize football is mind-numbing, it is something we can put emotion into but it doesn't actually effect our life. On this Sunday most people will forget what is bothering them and live vicariously through football.

But just think if we could put that emotion, energy and money into something that could change the world....

Just try and picture it.

Remember this idea on Super Bowl Sunday and try to reach out and do a little good in midst of the football chaos!

We have the potential to be like the crazy white man that moved to Senegal and lived for something bigger than himself.

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Faces

“Underneath my outside face

There’s a face that none can see.

A little less smiley,

A little less sure,

But a whole lot more like me.” 

-Shell Silverstein 

Excuse Mister Silverstein, you are a genius. 

Let me explain to you how this speaks so genuinely to me and take the time to try and do the same. 

"Underneath my outside face"...

My face that can smile when it wants to cry. My face that has become all to good at covering up raw emotions. 

My outside face is the face that is made just for the world to see. 

I will tell you I am strong, I will tell you I am confident. I will tell you I can be everything you need me to be. I will tell you that I am fine. 

I will push you away, I will refuse all help. I will pretend that I have the strength inside.

And yet..."There's a face that none can see"...

You do not see me sitting here alone in my room pondering why I ache, you do not see me here struggling to see how happiness will take shape. I do not tarnish the world with my constant heartache, my constant yearning to not be alone. My inside face is to vulnerable and dirty for anyone to see. 

This face you cannot see is not what the world expects of me. 

Because the smile that adorns my face is something of a ruse.

"A little less smiley"...

Now that is me. I do not always have the strength inside and most of the time I am not fine. 

"A little less sure"...

Always questioning left from right, up from down, right from wrong. Always wondering what is next and why it all exist. 

"But a whole lot like me"...

I am like locket, on the outside I can shine so bright but I only know what I conceal inside.