Life's A Bitch

I am not really sure what life has in store for me. 

I keep trying to figure it out...

I spent the past week hiking in the Olympic Rainforest.

It was a brilliant trip but it was an emotionally tough trip. 

I have talked about how great I am as distracting myself, like I am too good at it. 

But when your up in a freaking rainforest you can't distract yourself. 

I didn't have school or work or fundraising or running. My constant stimulation of people and activities were cut off and I was left with myself. 

It is amazing when you actually slow down how much you find in yourself, the good and the bad.

And then when I came home I got an email from the Peace Corps. 

I have been planning on joining the Peace Corps as my next step after graduation. The email said something along the lines of:

"You have been placed in Thailand, you will officially know if you are accepted into the program in September and you would leave January 2016"

For some reason this threw me off my rocker because damn it, I want to leave as soon as I graduate. I want to keep going. I can't be stagnant. I must keep going a thousand miles per hour because slowing down hurts too damn much.

I overcame my meltdown and pulled myself together. I did what I always do and over planned, kept going, looked into options and started putting more plans in place.

I am this constant planner, obsessively in need for control. 

Well life is a funny bitch and she is making me slow down.

I went on a 13 mile run today. It was a great run - long story short I ended up locking myself out of my car and so I laid in the sun until I got a spare key. 

But when I stood up and tried to walk my right leg was stiff and refused to bend. It shot shooting pain through my whole body.  I shrugged it off and figured it was nothing, but the pain didn't go away. Not after my bath, not after stretching, it just got continually worse. When I finally sat down and iced it I realized how bad my pain was. 

The verdict: Grade 2 hamstring strain. 

AKA no running, limited activity, light yoga at the most, I can swim but it isn't the same as running. 

My biggest escape from reality has been taken away from me. 

Life sometimes you are cruel. 

My mom even said "I have to be around when your luck changes, it is going to be epic" 

And she is right, my luck has to turn around but for now I somehow have to find the positive of having an out of commission leg. 

I get life is making me slow down but damn it sucks. 

Where is the silver lining?

We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad. -John Green

Learning to Feel

I found out some news tonight that I really wasn't ready to hear.

I don't really think I would of ever been ready to hear it, but I knew at some point I would.

It crushed me, but I wanted to pretend it didn't.

I pretended it didn't when I found out.

I let the news settle on me and I kept functioning, kept trying to live in the moment, be present and not let it ruin the evening.

I tried, and when I was driving home I tried to not let it eat at me.

And when I got home I tried to not let it keep me up and then I realized this is it. The moment of living in the moment vs. the big life picture.

These little points in life where I can either ball up and deal with the pain or go on hiding and dodging from it.

So here is what I did.

I got ready for bed. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and got into bed.

I set a timer for five minutes. I crawled into bed, wrapped myself in blankets, grabbed a pillow turned off the lights and hit start on my timer.

I sat for five minutes with my emotions.

At first I felt nothing, I have perfected the art of feeling nothing. It is my armor when life gets tough.

And then I started feeling anxious and uncomfortable and wanted my time to be done.

Then all of the sudden I let myself relax and let myself feel. I sat and sobbed. It didn't feel good, it didn't feel cathartic but at least it is coming out and not staying bottled in me and eating away at me every minute of every day.

Life hurts. Making yourself sit down and feel true, heartbreaking emotions hurts.

I want to be strong and not feel pain. I do not want to let other people crush me, but to live is to be in relationships with others.

People are not perfect, they will hurt you and we will hurt them, not intentionally, but it happens.

So maybe instead my definition of being strong doesn't have to mean not feeling pain, instead being strong can be feeling pain, owning my pain and my hardship, the daily life struggles.

Being open and honest, vulnerable some might say.

I know this won't happen over night, but it starts with baby steps, like setting a timer for five minutes and letting yourself feel. It doesn't seem so scary when you know there is an out.

I think it really helps to then read or watch something funny. Personally I am a fan of "Best of Funny Talking Animals" on Youtube -- but really watch it if your easily entertained.

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom. -Rumi

The Brain Game

Being a long distance runner is like this weird head game you play with yourself.

A looooong time ago when I first got into long distance running an old coach told me "you can train your muscles all you want but the most important thing is to train your brain". 

Yada, yada, yada, that makes sense but I didn't really think much of it. 

But it is freaky true. 

I ran twenty miles yesterday and I thought consciously about the brain game I play with myself. 

Let me explain my thoughts over my twenty mile run:

Mile 1 & 2: "Shit I am sore, my legs feel like they weigh 200lbs, why the hell am I out here and why I am a running so slow. Mmmm I think I need to pee, or is this just the nervous I need to pee feeling?"

Mile 3-7: "Oh fine, this isn't so bad. My legs feel normal, just had to get loosened up. I got this as long as keep my times around 8:20's. I am pretty sure I don't have to pee." 

Mile 7-10: "WEEEE, look at me!!! I am running and I am happy, I am running and I happy, la la la, nobody can stop me" 

Mile 10-12: "Shit I still have ten miles to go, what the hell! This is going to take forever and I think I'm starting to feel tired. Wait, what pace am I running at? Oh no running sub 8:00's, slow down speed racer or your going to die at the end" 

Mile 13: "Hey I just ran a half marathon boo ya, but shoot I still have to run seven more miles...hmmm I think I need to eat something except my black cherry flavored shot blocks taste like ass, why didn't I buy the strawberry? I will have to resort to my ginger chews" 

Mile 14-16: "Must keep brain occupied so I don't think about how tired my legs are feelings. I think I need to fart. I should just try and fart cause if I keep it in I know I will have a tummy ache. Maybe a loud car will drive by and I can fart and no one will hear...I hope it is a fart" 

Mile 17-18: "Ok, this can be done now. I hate life, I hate running, I am tired. How the hell do I run marathons, why do I run them? Ouch, ouch, ouch, I think I have blood in my sock. Gross" 

Mile 18-20: "Ahh I think I am finally hitting my second wind, or maybe I just know that it is almost over. I shall run very quickly to the end so I can be done. Wait, what should I do when I am done. What will I eat? I love eating. Food, I want food." 

End of run: "I did it, I did it, whoop! I feel way too good for having run twenty miles, must do happy dance but my legs are too sore." 

It is like a mini-life when you run long distances and push your body past its normal capacity of effort. Your emotions run rampant. 

But somewhere inside me I made the decision that no matter what I will always keep running, aways keep pushing my body to the limit to succeeded no matter what my brain is telling me. I have become an expert at telling my brain to shut up. 

But running is just one aspect of my life. One aspect that I have full control over. I can either live a lifestyle that pushes me forward and makes my body more efficient at running or I can live a lifestyle that negates my hard work. 

It is sometimes hard finding this balance. I literally eat, drink and sleep for my running, especially right now in marathon season. 

Sometimes I don't always put my running first but I find when I do not put my running first, I am not putting my best interest first. 

Which is so strange to me because I know what will make me the best runner I can be and yet I don't do it.

I know what is best for me in most realms of my life and yet most times I don't do it.

It goes back to instant gratification. It is addicting. I am addicted to instant gratification, so how do I break the addiction?

How do I look into the future and work for future rewards while living in the present? 

I want to live life in the moment, but I also want to live my life for bigger and better things. 

Life in the moments vs. life's big picture, can they coincide, live together in harmony?  Can I make living in the moment be productive for my life in the future?

Can I train my brain to be able to push past moments of hardship and keep going? Can I play the brain game in my daily life? Can I push myself to succeed and never stop?

I have no idea, it is my new mission to find out. For the next few weeks I will be seeing how instant gratification, living in the moment and living for life's big picture mesh in my life and if I can make them a harmonious team. 

(and yes, of course I will blog about them!)

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment" -Buddha 

Perfectionism...as Unnatural as Spam

Perfectionism.

It is what society tells us to strive for. 

Be smarter, be richer, be skinner. 

Do more, be more. 

Hey guess what society? You make me freaking exhausted. 

And you know what else?

Society is a conundrum, that is what I have decided.

Society asks us to be better, to morph ourselves into these perfect beings and yet it does not give us the grace to learn. 

I am obsessed with listening to podcasts on my runs right now. I mean does it get any better, it is a body and mind workout. I think that is called winning!

But that is beside the point, the point is I listened to a podcast that interviewed Parker Palmer and Courtney Martin, two incredible people who came together to talk about sustainable. social change. 

Two quotes stood out to me.

One by Parker Palmer: 
 “We're whiplashed between the arrogant over-estimation of ourselves, and a servile under-estimation of ourselves.”

The other by Courtney Martin: 
"We live in a culture that does not give us a lot of models of what it looks like to learn in public". 

And then I was reading a Daring Greatly by the infamous Brene Brown in which she said:
"Shame-resilient cultures nurture folks who are much more open to soliciting, accepting and incorporating feedback...these cultures also further engaged, tenacious people who expect to have to try and try again to get it right -- people who are much more willing to get innovative and creative in their efforts" 

Sometimes I feel like the universe is talking to me...today is told me that I need to stop trying to be perfect.

It told me that I will find my best self when I start being my real self, flaws and all. 

Like Parker said, there are certain things I love about myself. I love my ability to run vast distances rather quickly, I love that I am book smart and can hold a 4.0 GPA, I love that my ability to wake up and make myself do anything I put my mind too

but on the other hand I hate my self doubt, I hate that I cannot shake the feeling that I will never be good enough in any sphere in my life, that I will always somehow be lacking, I hate that I feel a constant void in myself and a need to be in connection with people to heal that, I hate that I need people. 

People hurt. People are what make up the society that is harshly judgmental. People are the ones who do not allow us to learn in public.

We live in society that thrives on negative criticism. We nit-pick and find flaws in most anything, we are conditioned to find the bad over the brilliant. 

I have an honest confession to make.

I have this co-worker I have a really, really hard time working with. My coworker is constantly asking if he is doing his job right, he is constantly questioning everything he does. 

It drives me nuts. I always think "have some self-confidence and take control!" 

But then when he asks "what can I do to get better?" I think, "shoot, I should ask that question too but I don't have the confidence too"

Criticism is hard to take, I would like to be perfect so I avoid the questions that can make me better at what I do. 

So instead of being frustrated with my co-worker, maybe I am just envious of his openness and ability to be vulnerable. He knows he is not perfect and owns it. 

What if we could all own our mistakes and imperfections? What if it was acceptable to make a fool of ourselves in public and learn?

What if society didn't mock and ridicule when a person made a mistake?

We all know we are human, but why can we not accept our human emotions and actions? 

All of us failed to match out dreams of perfection. -William Faulker 

Reintroduction To The Self

My birthday was this past weekend, the big 25!

I did not expect to be where I am at, like seriously, not at all.

Life, you are so damn unpredictable and yet wonderful.

I never cease to be amazed at what life throws at me, the good and the awful.

I was in therapy today and felt like I didn't have to much to talk about, I thought I was dealing just fine with life, finally.

Wrong.

This is why I love and hate therapy. It digs up shit you never knew was going on.

My therapist said "What are we working on today?"

I said "I dunno, everything seems OK."

My therapist just starred at me. (It is like this evil silence trick that makes you ramble non-sense and then that non-sense turns into life changing epiphanies, its freaky)

So I started rambling about the idea of perceptions and how I don't always trust my perceptions and some how I ended up talking about food and my weird relationship with it.

For as long as I can remember food has always been a strange thing for me. Eating in front of people, other than my family, has always been hard for me.

I am strangely self-conscious of what I eat and in front of who.

Yes, I know I am weird. 

And then I started to realize something I never understood before.

My whole life I have been tiny, skinny. I have always been the "skinny girl". Growing up I was always the smallest one out of all my friends.

I linked this to my identity. I had no self-confidence growing up and was very shy so I rarely got noticed but I was always noticed for my tiny figure.

Being thin was my identity, it was one thing people noticed about me and I have held on to that identity.

My therapist told me it was my childish way of dealing with life's hardship. She did not mean it in a harsh way, she said we all have coping mechanisms that we bring forward from childhood.

She explained we have thousands of parts in ourselves that all are intwined, sometimes working productively together but most of the time fighting against each other.

For me, being skinny and holding on to that is one part of me. An insecure part of me that still worries about being not recognized. Still being the young girl that was too shy to show her personality and true colors.

That young girl reintroduced herself to me today and I was able to give her the attention she needed.

I may still be weird and insecure and control those insecurities through my strange eating habits but at least now I can pinpoint where it manifests from and start to address that.

I can start to address my insecurities and embrace them.

I am starting to learn more and more about myself as I start to introduce myself to the many parts I have thriving inside me.

I am a whole person, but the only thing that makes me whole are the millions of little pieces that are intertwined.

I am working to learn how to make those pieces work together instead of against each other and love just how strangely unique I am.

I suggest everyone tries introducing themselves to those unknown parts of themselves that makes them tick, it is truly an experience that should not be missed.

I thought meeting strangers was hard, but reintroducing yourself to your past selfs is far more challenging and far more rewarding.

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your pervious self. -Hindu Proverb

Practicing Life

I went to yoga on Saturday, and let me tell you I am not the best yogi out there.

My balance is shaky and I am far from having the perfect form in any of the positions but damn it I am going to be a yogi.

I enjoy yoga, it is calming, it grounds me and lets me concentrate and connect with my body so I am working on being OK with looking like a fool while I am at yoga.

We even did the firefly pose (technical term: Tittibhasana) this is where you wrap your legs around your arms and hold yourself up, it is mostly shoulder strength.

First off, I am a runner.

Second off, that means I lack shoulder strength.

So I totally toppled on my ass (I am proud to say that I got it eventually and held it for like five seconds, boo yah!)

But I wasn't the only one who toppled on their ass, and the teacher of class said this...

"It's called yoga practice, because we are constantly practicing and bettering ourselves at yoga"

I was thinking about this statement this morning as I struggled through the morning.

I was having a tough morning, I confined in one of my friends that I was struggling with my faith and he asked me what I was struggling with...

I told him "everything right now. Honestly I just feel a little lost even in myself. I feel like I cannot connect to myself, to God, to anyone. Like I am in this bubble just watching".

He told me he thought it wasn't my faith I was struggling with but my trust.

Bingo!

(I have very intelligent friends, I am truly blessed. )

I am struggling with trusting anyone, even myself. I trusted so much and got hurt.

Essentially I toppled on my ass, just like in yoga.

But in yoga I was determined to try to it again, to get it right. It all takes practice.

I am realizing that its just like in life, it takes practice. I fell down and now I have to get back up and try again.

A need to try a new form, work on my strength and stay determined. My new way of looking at life is "life practice".

It's called life practice because we are constantly practicing and bettering ourselves in our own lives.

I know I'll keep falling, but I have to keep trying.

Ever tired. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fall again. Fall better. -Samuel Beckett

Flying with Broken Wings

I would like to say these past 31 days of blogging has changed me, opened me up by being able to write about my life, my feelings, my journey, but in all honestly I am realizing this is just the beginning.

Some days are really amazing and others are truly agonizing.

31 days ago I decided to start blogging. I was laying in bed, truly over life and feeling defeated. New Year's Eve had been a bust, my car had gotten broken into, my bank accounts had been empty, and I missed Jordan, I missed the stability and constant idea of always having someone. The idea that no matter what I had someone that would tell me "I love you".

Fast forward 31 days to right now and I am sitting at my kitchen table. My car window is fixed, my bank account is secure, but there is still a void in my heart that will never replace Jordan. I still miss the stability, the idea of never being alone, I miss waking up and going to bed every night hearing "I love you".

I have no idea where my life is going to take me, and right now I cannot see much past tomorrow, the most pointless things seem so looming when you are readjusting to life on your own.

Honestly the things I am working towards are my marathon and my graduation. From there I believe life will open up. I can do anything once I graduate. I literally have nothing holding me down. I will be completely unattached.

I mean I have my family here, but I know they will always be here for me. They are my rock and they are more then supportive to watch me spread my wings and fly.

And I plan to soar.

Which is terrifying and exciting.

I am working on crawling out of my comfort zone and being vulnerable with life. I don't really know what that looks like but for now I am just going to try it...

Because I have nothing to lose, which is the most awful, wonderful thing to realize.

To be vulnerable with life is to:

love unconditionally and not know if you are going to receive love back.

try something new every day and ask questions that people might think you are crazy or stupid for asking.

to cry when you need to, even if it is at the exactly wrong moment.

to ask for help, even if it is from a stranger.

to admit defeat and failure and embrace success.

to compliment yourself on your achievements and talk well about yourself, even if people think you are just being arrogant.

to say good-bye and not know if there will ever be a new hello.

I have said my good-byes, I have felt defeat, I have definitely cried at the wrong times but now I must work on the positives.

I need to learn to love unconditionally, to ask questions and ask for help, to embrace my success and learn to compliment myself on how fucking amazing I am.

I am Rosemary Serena Bishop and today is the last day of my blogging challenge but only the tip of what I am about to discover...(don't worry I'll keep blogging about my discoveries)

On my back I have tattoo that I feel is fitting for my final quote for my 31 days of blogging...

You can fly with broken wings.