Let's Get Quirky

We all have those moment in life where we wonder "does that happen to anyone else, or is that just me?" And most of the time we keep the wondering to ourselves. 

But if we keep that wondering to ourselves how will we ever know?! 

Recently I began thinking about this. 

I was in my bathroom yesterday cleaning the shower with Ajax. I saw my shower was draining slowly so I decided to unclog my drain with Draino at the exact same time as I was using the Ajax. 

It smelled really bad and made me really dizzy and then a few hours later I remembered it was a toxic combo and I thought "does anyone else think before they do stupid things?" 

Or am I the only one that decided to clean their shower and unclog their drain at the same time.

I was at the store the other day looking for golden raisins. I couldn't find them to save my life. I started talking to myself out loud as I searched. I had no idea I was doing it until I saw an old man staring at me like I was crazy. 

I gave him the "what are you looking at old man" stare and walked off and then realized those thoughts in my head were not only in my head but I was talking out loud! 

Ahh... really, does anyone talk out loud to themselves in public? 

And what about bike riding? I feel like for most people bike riding is totally natural, it comes easily like walking does for a toddler. 

Oh no, not me. I didn't learn to ride a freaking bike till middle school! Like what? I really have no idea what I was so terrified of. 

Anyone else wait until they were 12 to learn to ride a bike? 

The reason I am talking about the silly, slightly embarrassing things I do is because I feel like we all strive to hard to be perfect. 

Well lets be honest, none of us are perfect and we all do weird shit. But why are so we embarrassed about the weird quirks we have?

I think quirks are what make people amazing. 

When someone tells me about one of their quirks I cannot help but smile and be impressed at how confident they are in themselves to be so open. 

The people that embrace their quirks and the ones you know who are comfortable in their own skin. 

I have certain quirks that I love and others that I am totally ashamed to tell people about. 

I can be open about most things, but I have hard time being open about things that make me vulnerable, the quirks I have not yet come to embrace. 

Being vulnerable is scary, especially when you haven't come to terms with being comfortable with yourself. 

So how can we learn to be vulnerable and honest with ourselves and others?

I think talking about our quirks is a strong starting point. 

A quirk I am not very comfortable with yet is that I have a hard time with touch, especially hugs. I get tense when someone comes to hug me. I don't know what it is but I get anxiety and don't know how to relax. 

I don't think I have told anyone that, but now it is out there and I can learn to accept this quirk and work towards being able to accept and give hug without become as tense as a freaking brick. 

What quirks do you have yet to embrace? 

I bet they make you uniquely beautiful. 

"No one can transcend their own individuality" - Arthur Schopenhauer 

The Greatness of Parents

These are my crazy, wonderful, supportive parents. 

On the left you have them cheering me on at The Portland Marathon! I had no idea they were going to be at mile 18 and as I was struggling to keep my pace and keep my mind on finishing they popped up and gave me that boost that kept me going till the finish line! 

And below is them being weird on christmas morning. They also know how to make me laugh!  

The reason I am showcasing my parents is because today is their anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They have been married 34 freaking years!

It is hard for me to put into words what my parents have done for me over my lifetime. When I sit down and think about them and all they have done it brings tears to my eyes because I do not know what I would do without them.

I have always been an awkward child. I struggled at sports, I struggled in school, I struggled being open with what was going in my life.

I am a quiet soul and I can imagine that was difficult on my parents, never really knowing what was going through my head and yet they worked to make life a blessing for me.

They didn't force me into sports, they didn't even make me stay at one school, they let me transfer schools 4 times in 6 years. When I dropped out of college the first time they didn't judge me, they pushed me to follow my dreams and supported me through beauty school. When I decided I had to go back to college they still encouraged my adventurous spirit.

When I ventured down the wrong paths of life they didn't force me back on to the right path, they let me wander and unconditionally loved me as I found my way back.

And even know as I struggle to find where my next steps of life are going to take me they support me and love me.

I mean I live in their freaking basement and I am almost 25! I never thought I would be that child but life circumstances created a different path for me and my parents welcomed me home. They are nurturing me and being my rock while I rediscover who I am.

It is easy to take advantage of parents and not want to spend much time with them, especially at my age but I learning to embrace my time at home. I don't know where life is taking me next but I cherish the days I get with my parents.

They are the people with the unconditional love that allow me to be me. I sometimes forget that and go out and looking for acceptance and connection elsewhere but I have acceptance and connection right at home that has the ability to heal and love me and build me back up until I can stand on my own two feet again.

There are no words to thank my parents for what they do for me, but I can commemorate them on their anniversary!

Football?

I was at church last Sunday and a man from France was speaking.

He had moved to Senegal to work with the Senegalese people. He wanted to start a grassroots movement for sustainable agriculture.

When he first arrived in Senegal he built a fence around his house. The Senegalese people called him "the crazy white man". They couldn't understand why he would build a fence around nothing.

You must realize that Senegal is a dessert. To the Senegalese people, all they see is the dessert, they couldn't understand why a fence would be built in the middle of the dessert, but there was a reason.

The crazy white man knew he needed a fence before he could start a garden, he knew nature was not always going to be his best friend. And the crazy white man started teaching these things to the Senegalese people.

He has a passion and he is living to fulfill it.

So you might be wondering why I am rambling about this crazy white man in Senegal.

And it is only going to get more random.

So we all know Super Bowl is this Sunday.

I don't really understand or care about football, so I may have a skewed perspective on this but here is what I am thinking:

If people spent this much time, money, emotion, and planning on something that actually mattered to the world, that could actually better the world, what would our world look like?

I mean I am kind of amazed at how much is done for the Super Bowl and other various sporting events.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why we have sports, I understand the uniting factors sports can have on a society but really in the big picture of things will the Super Bowl do us any good?

After Sunday passes, what good has come from a day of football except eating and drinking too much and getting hyped up on football plays?

How can we create that kind of excitement and commitment to things that actually matter?

I mean we are totally the crazy white men/women. We spend millions of dollars on one day, we get overly excited for commercials, we scream at a TV because some dudes threw the ball right or wrong.

I realize football is mind-numbing, it is something we can put emotion into but it doesn't actually effect our life. On this Sunday most people will forget what is bothering them and live vicariously through football.

But just think if we could put that emotion, energy and money into something that could change the world....

Just try and picture it.

Remember this idea on Super Bowl Sunday and try to reach out and do a little good in midst of the football chaos!

We have the potential to be like the crazy white man that moved to Senegal and lived for something bigger than himself.

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Faces

“Underneath my outside face

There’s a face that none can see.

A little less smiley,

A little less sure,

But a whole lot more like me.” 

-Shell Silverstein 

Excuse Mister Silverstein, you are a genius. 

Let me explain to you how this speaks so genuinely to me and take the time to try and do the same. 

"Underneath my outside face"...

My face that can smile when it wants to cry. My face that has become all to good at covering up raw emotions. 

My outside face is the face that is made just for the world to see. 

I will tell you I am strong, I will tell you I am confident. I will tell you I can be everything you need me to be. I will tell you that I am fine. 

I will push you away, I will refuse all help. I will pretend that I have the strength inside.

And yet..."There's a face that none can see"...

You do not see me sitting here alone in my room pondering why I ache, you do not see me here struggling to see how happiness will take shape. I do not tarnish the world with my constant heartache, my constant yearning to not be alone. My inside face is to vulnerable and dirty for anyone to see. 

This face you cannot see is not what the world expects of me. 

Because the smile that adorns my face is something of a ruse.

"A little less smiley"...

Now that is me. I do not always have the strength inside and most of the time I am not fine. 

"A little less sure"...

Always questioning left from right, up from down, right from wrong. Always wondering what is next and why it all exist. 

"But a whole lot like me"...

I am like locket, on the outside I can shine so bright but I only know what I conceal inside. 

The Fate Game

I know my luck is changing. (Can I get a woot woot!!!!)

I always run after work.

When I don't have a pocket to  carry my key in I intricately tie it onto my shoelace. This has always worked perfectly well...

But today my shoe felt loose, however I thought nothing of it so I kept running.

My body felt pretty exhausted from the past few work outs I had done so I did the required hill workout my coach assigned me and called it a day. (Normally, I would add four or five more miles onto it!)

When I arrived back at my car and reached down to untie my shoe to grab my key, my key was sitting next to my shoe!

AHH!

All I could think was thank god I didn't loose my freaking key running. The luck I have been having I would of lost it running and wouldn't of found it!

If I had ran those extra miles I would of lost that damn key! (I mentally noted to always listen to your body, it always makes the right choice)

I may have even done a happy dance that consisted of a fist pump and gyrating the hips to celebrate not losing my key!

I am really starting to appreciate the little things after the luck I have been having.  Before if my key had just fallen off my shoe at the end of my run I wouldn't of thought anything of it.

It is easy to take advantage of the amazing things in life when you don't have to struggle to achieve it.

And the struggles can defeat you, they can be brutal. I know I have spent many days asking what I did to deserve some of the bad luck I have had.

I thought I had some bad juju about me or karma was out to get me.

I have seriously sat and thought about past actions to try and pinpoint why I was being punished!

I am always looking for an answer for why things happen. I am constantly asking why.

I figured somewhere in my past I had done some seriously messed up things -- but I couldn't really think of anything that was that horrible!

I am a cause and effect kind of girl. It is easier to think systematically then just believe in fate and God's plan for me.

But I am starting to see that is exactly what life is. It is a series of linked events that can be altered through how you treat yourself, others and life decisions but ultimately we cannot control life.

There is a reason for the saying "Shit happens!"

I am learning to find great comfort in this. I don't have to be perfect and try to control everything. I can live life day by day, living the best that I can and work on being my best self but ultimately there is plan for me that is bigger than me that I have no control over.

So I can either weep over my bad luck and hate life (which I totally did for a while) or suck it up and find the positive in the hardest and darkest days.

As they say "The darkest hour is just before dawn".

"My fate cannot be mastered; it can only be collaborated with and thereby, to some extent, directed. Nor am I the captain of my soul; I am only its noisiest passenger." -Aldous Huxley

Embracing Vulnerability

When I was little I would dance on my bed like cat to the Aristocats sound track.

I vividly remember throwing my head side to side, swinging my hair and shaking my booty while singing (quiet loudly) to the lyrics.

I was such a care free child, I also very eccentric and perfectly content to be by myself with my imagination.

I would sing, dance and crack myself up. Sometimes I still do that. I love the morning when I am feeling extra energized and sing and dance in the shower, except that one time when I fell and knocked myself out...that was a whoopsie.

I was reading another book by Brene Brown and she said the three most important things in life are:
1: singing
2: dancing
3: laughing

I have already touched on the idea of laughing a few times in my blog but not singing and dancing!

She said these things, singing, dancing, and laughing are not done often enough when we grow up because it makes us look vulnerable.

And if you think about it belting it out or shaking your booty is a very vulnerable experience. At least for me it is. I don't have the best voice or the best rhythm (it is mediocre at best) and it can be embarrassing to do these things in front of people you are not 110% comfortable with.

You risk looking like the idiot and lets be honest who want to look like idiot?

But it turns out looking like the idiot is way more fun then being the stick in the mud that stands to the side. 

Unfortunately as I say this the word vulnerability pops into my head -- being vulnerable is scary, you put yourself out there to be crushed, bull dozed, obliterated. People's words can hurt.

They say stick and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me...

THAT IS SO WRONG! Whoever came up with that saying is either very tough skinned or lying. (I am going to go with lying!)

I do weird shit and say weird shit. I have had mean things said me. I have had people question what the hell I am doing and honestly it does shut me down and stop me from doing it again.

Positive reinforcement is great but negative reinforcement has the potential to actually get into someone's head.

You can tell me I am great at being a cat and dancing but that one person who tells me I look like the village idiot is going to have way more impact.

So how do we over come this? How can we be vulnerable and not allow people to drag us down?

I actually don't have an answer for this question, just posing it and hoping someone has an idea!

All I know is I am going to work on being vulnerable even if I look like a dumbass because I love dancing, I love singing and I love laughing at all the wrong times.

It's just the facts of my life.

"What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful" -Brene Brown

Running Free

So I am sitting here at my kitchen table with my legs propped up and a bag of blueberries on one knee and a bag of corn on the other.

No, just not just for the fun of it. I am weird but I am not that weird. Using frozen fruits and veggies work great for ice packs!!!

My knees are aching, my feet have also seen better days.

So much running!!! I am putting in 50+ miles a week with more intense workouts throughout the week plus weight training.

A lot of people think I am cuckoo for how much I run. But my mentality is this:

Running is the most freeing activity for me. I found myself running today and making motor boating noises as I ran up hills, I also found myself singing "Hey, Mickey".

Honestly I was cracking myself up and when I got home from my run I was pleasantly exhausted, you know that exhausted feeling where all you want to do is shower, throw on some sweats and sit on your ass? 

Yeah, that was the feeling and now that is exactly what I am doing and I couldn't imagine feeling more content. 

I almost didn't run today, when I got off work I felt wiped out! It was such a hectic day at work! I felt in a fog. I could of easily just sat down and zoned out for the rest of the day. 

But sometimes we just have to push ourselves to do the things we know that makes us healthier and happier! 

It's strange really that the healthiest things for us are the hardest things to do. It really seems like reverse logic. 

If I do A+B and it equals happiness and health then why would I do C+D which has the opposite result.

I know I am not the only person that does this. It's like some twisted human condition. I know it goes back to the idea of immediate gratification but how can we overcome the need for immediate gratification? 

I am finding a lot of self-control and determination is needed. Like A LOT! And I am still definitely learning not to choose immediate gratification over the long term gratification. 

But when I make the right decision, like I did today to go run, I never regret it and it reinforces why I am working so hard to not choose immediate gratification!

Search for those reminders and don't give up, life is too precious to waste on empty gratifications. 

"As we get past our superficial material wants and instant gratification we connect to a deeper part of ourselves, as well as to others, and the universe" -Judith Wright