The Power of Literature

I really love reading.  I can use it as an escape from reality, it can push my mind to grow, it can question everything I believe and let me dwell in thoughts I did not know I had.

At the moment I am reading two books. The first is The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown and the other is Thinking Slow and Fast by Daniel Kahneman.

They are very different books.

 Kahneman's book dissects the brain and how we think in a scientific manner and Brown's book takes a sociological perspective of looking at how people live life.

Ironically, I find reading the two together is the perfect combination. Kahneman points out how the brain works and breaks it down into system 1 and system 2. System 1 is our automatic response to life and system 2 is our critical thinking. He explains that the society we live in relies heavily on system 1, he even goes as far as to call people intellectual sloths (which I thought was quiet clever).

Brown confronts the idea the we are living in society that pushes superficial norms that creates people to work for perfection. She speaks to learning how to be vulnerable, to learn to spiritually connect and to live with people and for people; she asks people to accept their own flaws.

One idea that Kahneman and Brown have in common is how people avoid hard work. Brown coins it as "taking the edge off". We all have tactics to take the edge off of life, most of which are unhealthy. Brown talks about how she use to be an alcoholic and once she became sober, she used being a perfectionist to take the edge off. It is easier to mask the hardness of life with substances or an action that keeps us preoccupied.

I think it has become engrained in human nature to not want to deeply think or feel.

I know I have avoided it like the plague, I started by doing too much coke for too long to avoid the hardship of life, when I overcame that I hid from the pain by throwing myself into a relationship and giving my all to a person and expecting too much in return. The past few weeks I avoided it by keeping myself busy, some with activities that were healthy and others that weren't like drinking too much.

I am now realizing I have to think and feel deeply.

I spend most nights allowing myself to feel pain, to actually look at my life and start to accept my story.  I spend my days reaching out to people who are willing to listen to me and push me to be my best self. People that ask me to think and feel deeply.

I am starting to realize life is not worth living if we are just constantly hiding. I want to be vulnerable and raw and in relationships with people that are willing to reciprocate this openness.

I am exhausted from hiding.

People are magnificent, we must just learn to reach out and connect with them.

Happiness is a form of courage -Holbrook Jackson

Growing Pains

I had a brilliant friend tell this the other day when asked what was wrong with humanity:

"I don't know what is going on with humanity, but I do know that as much as their is shit and darkness that tries to make us feel like its worthless there is bigger and better things happening. Love is here, it is with us and alive, it is part of who we are and sometimes that doesn't show and we let the evil in the world overwhelm us. We can't though, this is a beautiful mess we are in and we need to love it as best and as fiercely as we can" -Josh Peterson

He proceed to send me this picture the next morning:

I need these reminders because sometimes life refuses to relent.

I spent the evening with one of my closest friends last night, she has more on her plate than any person should. I spent the evening doing my best to support her. I spent the rest of the night lying awake and wondering why the most amazing people sometimes are dealt the toughest hands.

And then this morning I met with my training group, TNT, for those who don't know TNT is the abbreviation for Team In Training. We are a group that runs to raises money for people with blood cancers. We started this mornings group talking about "Missions". Missions are the people we are running for. One of my teammates told us about a friend who was recently diagnosed with leukemia, another teammate  told us about Sophia, a one year old, who is about to pass from lymphoma.

It stories like my friend's, and the missions I run for, that are putting life in perspective for me. It people like Josh, who remind me that we live in a beautiful world.

This is necessary, especially on days like today. Today, I am having one of those days where life seems unreasonably hard, but I have to remind myself that in comparison my life is simple, but I also have to remind myself life is not about comparing. It is about feeling and accepting how we feel.

Feelings I am realizing can be paralyzing or they can create a revolution.

I have recently been feeling really angry with life. My trust in life and in people have been shattered. I am OK with being a recluse. Except I know I need people. I need people in my life that support me and help me grow into the person I envision myself to be. I know I have these people in my life but for a long time I didn't reach out.

When I was with Jordan I thought I was comfortable about being stagnant. Now that I look back, my seemingly irrational unhappiness, those talks we had and he didn't understand where they where coming from (and at times I didn't know where they were coming from) are starting to make sense. My subconscious was pushing me towards self-growth. I still want to push back, but I cannot.

I fear being alone, I fear change, but I know I cannot stay where I am, who I am. Through my convictions I will grow. It is my duty, because people like Sophia, will never have the chance to struggle with life. I cannot let this precious life go to waste.

As living beings it is our duty to live fully with whatever hand we are dealt.

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still. -Chinese Proverb

The First Trace

Incunabula: the first traces of anything.

For me this blog is the first traces of the New Year and the new me.

This past year was one of the hardest years of my life. Yesterday, the damn New Year, I felt defeated. I really didn't understand life and what the fuck I did wrong to be where I was.

Then I realized I wasn't living a life that wasn't congruent with who I am becoming.

Recap of the last year to understand where I am coming from:
Year start: Living with boyfriend of 2+ years, going to school, working as a barber.
Year end: Recently broke up with boyfriend, living with my parents, still going to school, working now as para-educator

It doesn't really seem like much has changed except that boyfriend part, but oh wait, that boyfriend part is a really big deal in the scheme of life and what it represents. The tumultuous end of our relationship ravaged me and ate me whole.

New Years Eve it all sank in. Holy shit, I am single and trying to be the girl I was before I met Jordan. That girl was a partier, didn't really think about things larger than herself, was self-centered and working to just be make it through the days.

I cried and screamed on New Year's Eve. It was an out of body experience, I watched myself that night and wondered who the fuck is this girl? I didn't know but I kept going, I kept trying to be someone I no longer am.

I woke up the next day feeling like death -- thank you booze, I was exhausted and not proud about how I had acted, a feeling that has become all to common, especially when I drink. I walked out to my car to find someone broke in and stole my purse which included my wallet, my make-up, and other various important things to me.

I sat on the curb and sobbed, I spent the rest of the day in bed crying, sleeping and keeping my head in my books to pretend life wasn't happening.

But life doesn't stop and I had to realize I had to keep going.

The funny thing is I received an email from Matt Frazier, a real cool dude that started No Meat Athlete website. He gave me a challenge to run and write for 31 days. So that is what I am now doing.

I am running and blogging my changes. I am accepting to the idea of being open and raw with life's daily bull shit and also life's beauty and splendor.

I am learning the universe will never give more then you can handle.

And I hope my honesty and ability to be raw and vulnerable will give people the hope and inspiration to do the same.

We live in a time where Facebook, Instagram, etc. makes every one's life seems so perfect, but let's face it. We all struggle and maybe, just maybe, uniting together and struggling together will make life not seem so horrific.

Here to the New Year.

I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. –Stephen Covey